May 15 2020

 Today is the first day of at home church. I am taking time to blog because I think this is a historic moment, and I want my kids to remember it. I want them to write in their own journals and feel the spirit that is so strong today.
I have not been a part of the panic, but I also take the virus seriously. I am optimistic, and I am excited for the learning experience that will come. I am not afraid of the uncertainty but looking at it as an adventure. I have been getting the answer to my own personal prayers to "slow down." I am very excited about this break and it is kind of like the world is taking a big breath. Everyone has been traveling, and working, and moving, and it is a opportunity to prioritize and understand what the important things are. 
With having church at home it has given me an insight to some things. That our Heavenly Father's plan of salvation is not excluded to only people who do good deeds. It has to do with the ordinances like baptism, the sacrament, and temple work. Those great works are necessary for the Kingdom of Heaven. Since we are doing social distancing it makes you realize how important those things are in your life.

Cody is a priesthood holder but we weren't sure how this first Sunday was going to go. We had a ward member come and bless the sacrament for us today. He is from Ukraine, and he was missing his flight back home to see his family. He was looking forward to it for almost a year. It broke my heart that he was not able to go and visit his family. These times are going to be challenging but doesn't mean that we can't do it. We have been preparing for this.

This was our at home sacrament. Some lovely organic sprout wheat bread and Sage's tea cups for the water.

We then had our church lesson on the trampoline. Most of the neighborhood probably heard me yelling at them to sit still and listen.
The lesson we did was Jacob 1-4. The end of the lesson it told us that if you want to have unwavering faith you need to come unto Christ with a pure of heart and a firmness of mind.
If you're faith is like a branch it will be easy to shake. But the trunk of a tree is harder to shake. We happen to have a big apple tree outside, and the kids were able to have their visual come to life.

There was once a church that was up in the mountains of Sundance, called Wild Wood. I would  go with my grandma and grandpa. It isn't there anymore, but sometimes going outside to learn about Christ can become an adventure.

We then made some mac and cheese from our home storage stash and enjoyed the play house that is still unfinished. We have made everything with wood donated to us, so we haven't had to spend a dime. Every time we decide to buy something, some wood comes up from Cody's work, or we find someone donating wood. And it has been more fun to be able to use things that would otherwise be wasted, and see it come to life.

So here are some documentary photos of this day and you can also see the progress of the play house. During the social distancing, I am going to get my garden prepped and maybe even try to do some more starter seeds. And convince Cody that he needs to get started on the chicken coop. I also ordered some raffia and I want to figure out how to make some sun hats for the spring so we can be garden in style.

For the rest of the evening I plan to be relaxing and spending quality time with my kids. Enjoy the break and slow down.


xoxo

Sage's Baptism

On October 12 2019 Sage Bushell made the decision to become a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. 

I completely understand why people have reservations about the church. I understand members who struggle with the church. The reason why I joined the church was because of my family. There is no worldly thing that is more important than eternal families. 

I have seen evil. I have felt demons, and have even had to cast them out of my home. I have used the priesthood power to protect myself. (you heard that right, I use the priesthood) And if there is that much darkness then there must be a light, and I am striving to keep that in my life. And my kid's lives. 

The church is kind of like a Lord of the Rings movie. And I am pretty sure that I have correlated the two before in a earlier post. (I am a LOTR nerd) And President Uchdorf's talk was amazing right? If  I don't have time to hear all the talks I always make sure I hear his. He is the most inspirational to me.

Here is a link for those of you who may have not heard it or aren't a member. 

The Hobbit Talk HERE 

But it is kind of magical that we have powers to protect ourselves, to heal ourselves, to have guidance to make important decisions in our life.  I personally know the power of prayer. I believe in magic. I believe in angels and I have personally felt my own watching over me and giving me comfort when I need it. This life is full of challenges, and temptations to keep us off the path. And I want my kids to know that they have magic powers that will keep them safe from the darkness. 

There is a common misconception about the church. That women are not able to obtain the priesthood. Well I am going to tell you that for a while I believed that because Cody was not temple worthy that I was not able to have that in my home. But covenant women who need to use it have that power. I want my daughters to know that they are daughters of God, and they can receive the blessings of the priesthood. And that they are sacred to God. And will also have our ancestors and guardian angels protecting them and watching over them. 

Sage's baptism was extra special because there have been so many recent changes in the church that we were able to do things a little differently. 

The announcement that women were able to be witnesses to baptism was days before Sage's baptism. 

So my mom and I were able to witness. And even though Cody is not temple worthy, he is a priesthood holder and he was able to baptize Sage. And Grandpa Don was able to give her the power of the Holy Ghost. 

As Thanksgiving approaches naturally I am thinking of things that I am grateful for. I am grateful that I have knowledge of the Savior. And know that I am not in this life alone. And that I have protection and guidance. 

When Benjamin Bjorn approached me with a beautiful ornament that helps us to remember her baptismal day I knew I had to share this product. It is something that is special, and you can bring it out every year and your child can remember the day they were baptized every time they decorate their tree. 

This product is good quality. It is handmade and a thick porcelain, and you even get to customize the font. 

I am going to give this to Sage as a christmas gift this year in her stocking. 

Sage is a beautiful spirit and I know that she is going to be a strong woman. She is one of those people that you will just follow whatever she does because she radiates light in her. 

She is creative and funny and deserves everything in the world. Including Eternal Life. 

Here is a link to purchase your own Baptismal Dove ornament this year. 

Benjamin Bjorn ornament HERE 

Here are some photos from her Baptism. 

Photography is by Indigo Images. Her Instagram is found HERE 

xoxo

Guest Post: Never Alone Recovery

Pop Culture, Psychology, and My Love Addiction

I used to confuse codependency with love. Sometimes I still do. We're almost raised to confuse the two these days. We revel in bittersweet stories about someone who dies of a broken heart. Romantic movies about couples who save each other or forgive egregious hurts are favorites across the nation. And why are we always obsessed with this idea of "love at first sight?" Certainly you can have feelings for someone very quickly, but you really don't know someone well enough at first sight to know if you actually love them. Those types of feelings are more codependent than genuine love.

According to Billboard, the most chart topping love song of all time is "Endless Love" by Lionel Richie and Diana Ross. It's a good song, and they are talented musicians. But the song opens with "My love, there's only you in my life. The only thing that's bright." Very sweet, but is it healthy if your romantic partner is the only thing in your life? Probably not the best situation!

Like many people with codependent tendencies, some of my actions can be traced back to childhood. Through trial and error I had learned that certain tactics would get me affection while others would lead to chaos in my home. These positive behaviors became second nature to me while I avoided the negative ones whenever I could. I learned to be seen and not heard. I learned that good people give others "the shirt off their back." I learned not to question authority. I also learned to mediate arguments and avoid confrontation.

But the thing is, as I got older these tactics became less and less effective. As I started to get into romantic relationships, things started to get real dysfunctional. I found myself ending up in relationships with controlling partners who took more than they gave. I didn't understand why it kept happening. What I didn't realize is that the vibes I put out attracted that kind of person. I was attracting people who felt insecure, and saw that I wouldn't challenge their authority or question their abilities. I was willing to acquiesce to their opinions and needs, being seen in the relationship but not truly heard. And these insecure partners used the emotional shirts off my back to comfort their own pains. It was exhausting. My needs never mattered. I kept waiting for my needs to matter because I thought that's how they would show their love. I never complained because I avoided confrontation. Despite using my whole bag of usual tricks, I wasn't happy anymore.

And yet I would stay in these relationships. From my first relationship as a teen, I entered into a string of back to back long term relationships. I never ended the current exhausting relationship until I had the next one lined up. If I ever sensed a partner might leave me, I doubled down on meeting every need they had so they would see how great I was. I had no concept of boundaries or how they could be helpful in a relationship. Sometimes in movies I would see someone set a boundary. For example, maybe a woman would get cheated on, and in a moment of self-respect she would kick her husband out and then cry herself to sleep. But I didn't want to cry myself to sleep. That looked terrible.


I didn't want to be alone. I would rather put up with the most bullshit treatment than be alone. I tried to learn how to do relationships. With no good examples of a healthy relationship in my personal life, I turned to pop culture. I watched Princess Leia try to tame the wild man Han Solo, a man so emotionally unavailable that he can't even say the words "I love you." He was jealous and willing to walk away at any moment and she would repeatedly comfort his fears. I mean if that's what Princess Leia has to do, I guess that's what we have to do. And remember sweet Forrest Gump? Somehow his "happy ending" involved the object of his affection hiding a biological son for years and then only coming to settle down with Forrest because she was terminally ill and needed someone to help her. After a lifetime of unrequited love, he tells her "I'll take care of you if you're sick." Finally she loves him. Did I mention he had also become a millionaire by then? Hmmmm….. 

You see, stability doesn't sell. A movie or tabloid story about two people who respect each other is boring. A tumultuous relationship inspires more passion - albeit negative - than a relationship where the partners trust each other and communicate effectively. People can even become addicted to the ups and downs of a turbulent relationship. In a volatile relationship (of any type) the occasional expressions of affection and forgiveness create a natural high because it makes us feel happy. We enjoy this part of the relationship and our brains enjoy the "reward" of happiness. In psychology there is something called <a href=https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-schedule-of-reinforcement-2794864>the partial (or intermittent) variable interval schedule of reinforcement</a>. Basically it just means that when we get a reward occasionally (but not every time) for doing an action, we want to keep doing that action. So when we're occasionally (but not always) rewarded for staying in a relationship, we want to stay in it.

I personally think it's important to understand these ideas to understand ourselves. I can't always tell you why I would stay in relationships that weren't fulfilling. I suspect it's a complex answer. But I think some of it can be traced to basic psychology in terms of things that happened when I was young, things I've observed growing up, and things that happen in real time. Especially because I personally have a history of addictive behaviors. I started stealing candy and treats when I was just a kid, and continue to struggle with food as an adult. I've suffered from substance addiction and have an unhealthy relationship with shopping. So in a way, it's no surprise that I'm also addicted to love and affection. And just like the substances that ruined my life at one point, I sometimes seek love and affection at the expense of my own well being. My fear of being alone and miserable kept me in the situations that made me miserable.

So what defense do we have against reward pathways that may have been forming in our brains since we were young?  Well, awareness is a good start.  Understanding why our first impulse might not be the best idea can give us a minute to get out of autopilot (or emotional thinking patterns) and start to examine the situation rationally.  We need to stop thinking about how we can save someone, or how they might be able to save us. We need to be okay with who we are BEFORE we decide to partner up with someone. Our partner shouldn't be the co-star in our life, compensating for our short comings, and sharing credit for our successes. They should be more like the person operating the spotlight. We're doing our scene independently and our partner is ready to believe in us, help us shine, and show all of our amazing-ness to the world. And when the time comes, we'll be there for them too.

Speaking of shining bright, pop culture has our backs too, when we look for it. I try to keep my playlist on positivity and remember that everyone makes mistakes or gets stuck sometimes. But it is possible to face our fears and step out of unhealthy situations. Here's a few of my favorite divas that stand strong in the spotlight and sing about life's challenges:

Now that you're out of my life

I'm so much better

You thought that I'd be weak without you

But I'm stronger

You thought that I'd be broke without you

But I'm richer

You thought that I'd be sad without you

I laugh harder


How could this man I thought I knew

Turn out to be unjust so cruel

Could only see the good in you

Pretended not to know the truth

You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself

Through living in denial

But in the end you'll see

You won't stop me

























































I am a fighter and I ain't goin' stop 

There is no turning

 back I've had enough




It took all the strength I had not to fall apart

Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart

And I spent oh-so many nights just feeling sorry for myself

I used to cry

But now I hold my head up high

And you see me

Somebody new

I'm not that chained-up little person and still in love with you

And so you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free

Well, now I'm saving all my lovin' for someone who's loving me

References:


https://www.therapyinphiladelphia.com/tips/co-dependent-relationships


https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/healthy-connections/201507/what-codependency-is-and-what-it-isnt



Kaye can usually be found blogging for Never Alone Recovery, a group of addicts in recovery who help other addicts.  She’s in recovery for drug and alcohol addiction, and is an admitted co-dependent.  She continues to address all of these issues through counseling and support groups and believe growth is a lifelong process.

Self care?

All month long I was going to do a mental health post for May but I have waited until the last day.
I am no stranger to mental illness on minor levels and extreme levels, with either myself, family and friends.
Mental illness is not rare, and it is rapidly growing. The biggest question for everyone is why? I am constantly seeing fingers pointed at many things including religious groups, instagram bloggers, skinny models, to poor air quality.

I am not a scientist, or a doctor, and I don't claim to be. This is just my opinion so you can take it or leave it. This is just my own personal journey to what I believe what is healthy and what is not. And if it helps someone then great. If not you can just move on. I have a belief that just like a cut or bruise can heal, so can our mental wounds.

 When you are a spouse of an addict, self care that is something talked about a lot. Because you can not control the addict and so you need to talk care of yourself. But what does that even mean? When you are depressed and are on a path to becoming healthier it is a lot different than when you are in the spiral life of living with an addict.
When they are in active addiction you need to go to your knees and pray, pray, pray. When the pain is just too painful to bear, the only comfort I found anywhere was praying and feeling the comfort from Him. I also numbed myself with lots of television and cookie butter, but truthfully it didn't help anything and my laundry was piling up.

In this situation self care starts with setting your boundaries. When your addict is consuming your life you have to put the walls up for a time until you can get your self straight. Then you need to have an awareness of  you can not change them, and your healing is not dependant on their recovery. Your happiness and well being is separate from them. When you bring awareness back to yourself, then your addict will do better. When they are in an environment of resentment, fear, and anger then it makes everything worse.
Then you need to REST. I mean physically, spiritually, emotionally just let it go. Take a nap, read a book, or watch your favorite movie. Something that takes you away from your reality for a minute. But make sure your soul is getting some serious rest. You can't abandon your duties, but it is important to set aside this time for yourself.

 “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28–30).

It is okay to reach out to friends that you trust with your situation. Sometimes the addiction and depression can be a little dark for some people. So choose the people that will be supportive and helpful, but don't be afraid to ask for help. Because we need to allow people to help us.

Then you need to be thankful in all things.Stop complaining and only seeing all the negativity around you because the truth is, darkness is there. But stop focusing on it and look through the cracks because light is in there you just have to train your brain to start focusing on the light. I did an exercise where I tried to come up with 10 things a day to be grateful for and to be honest, the first week I could only think of like 5. Which is pathetic. After about two weeks of doing this I had a better attitude. And when I found myself getting down, I would do this again and it made me feel better. 

Then you need to learn what true forgiveness and patience means. Forgiveness is not allowing the person to continue to abuse you, but for your own spiritual healing. You have to let it be. 

And then because you learned you can't control anything, you have to sit back and be patient. The Lord is taking care of them and you need to trust that everything will work out. That also doesn't mean you stop loving them, or leave them alone completely. Just go back to boundaries, and know what is enabling and what is helping, and loving them while they fix themselves.

I think that my definition of self care would be to not find happiness, but to know that happiness is just one emotion and it is okay to be uncomfortable. And finding joy in the uncomfortable because it is unavoidable. And slow down. Do not run faster than you have strength.

And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order. (Mosiah 4:27)

But after about 3 years I have finally figured out the formula for self care outside of addiction. Are you ready?

Stop thinking about yourself.

Revolutionary right?

What I have found with myself is that when I am constantly being a victim and blaming others for all of my unhappiness I am consuming my thoughts with myself. The key to taking care of yourself is to go outside of yourself.  I would indulge in some junk food because I "deserve it." Or spend money on myself with new clothes, or get my hair or nails done, for the sake of "taking care of me."  I am not saying you can't get your hair and nails done or get a fresh wardrobe if you need it, but just don't use it in the meaning of "self care" because it won't always make you happier. Satan is taking a sacred thing such as self care and turning in into an indulging lifestyle. It was marketing telling me what self care looks like. Taking care of yourself is important not for your own well being, but when you are self sufficient, you are able to take care of others.

Another thing that is important to remember is that in the commandments "thou shalt not covet" is among murder, and stealing. So it must be an important one to follow.

10. “Thou shalt not covet” (Exodus 20:17). Coveting, or envying something that belongs to another, is damaging to the soul. It can consume our thoughts and plague us with constant unhappiness and dissatisfaction. It often leads to other sins and to financial indebtedness. 

A lot of people blame social media for their unhappiness. And I believe them. And it is because it is the Adversary's easiest tool to get you with. Coveting has always been a problem but with social media it just makes it 100 times easier. He is helping you covet everyday. And not only covet but become addicted to it and spend hours a day focusing on how other people are better than you. You will be in a constant state of depression if you do this. I am one of those people. I definitely spend more time than I should coveting other people, and becoming scared to post things because of how people will judge me. And it is something that I am still working on. It is no wonder why we have a culture of debt, cosmetic surgeries, addictions, because we have a skewed version of what value is.

Stop giving yourself value to yourself with "likes" or "followers." It really means nothing to Heavenly Father so why should it matter at all to you?

I am aware that there are many other factors into depression and mental illness, but let's start with what we can be aware of and can control. And when we do service for others then you really see things differently and appreciate where you are in life.

And I am also aware that these things are not easy, and they don't happen overnight. But it is a constant awareness and we are only expected to better ourselves, not be perfect.

 Feel free to message me with ideas or what has helped you become aware of yourself and your self care journey.

XOXO

Rosco Bushell's Obituary

ROSCO BUSHELL 

                                                          July 2006 - December 2018

This is the official Obituary of our first love Rosco Bushell. Cody bought me Rosco shortly after dating because I told him that I had always wanted a dog.

Cody bought Rosco from a dog breeder in Southern Utah. Remember the TV show Wishbone? Rosco was his grandson. He had the best genes and we loved to brag about his bloodline. I remember Rosco was the puppy who was biting all the other pups. This puppy loved to bite. He was constantly biting your fingers and he pretty much didn't ever like to be put down.

When we brought him home he met his best friend Remington Cody's big golden lab. Remmy was not exciting about a puppy in the house but he was always so patient with him. Rosco did not want to sleep in the little box we made him with his blankets and dog toys. So I had to rock the dog to sleep! It was like having a newborn.

He also had an obsession with this monkey toy when he was young an would suckle it like a nipple.

He was so hard to potty train because he was so stubborn. He always thought that he was the alpha dog from the beginning. Even though he was my dog he only responded to Cody.

His first tricks we taught him was "pretty dog" where he would  roll over and show his belly. If you didn't have a treat in hand he would not do the trick. His most prideful moment was when he killed a pigeon in our backyard in Las Vegas and ate the whole thing.

He was a pretty good dog until we started having kids. He was so jealous and did not adjust well to having kids around. He would chew up their binkies, tear apart their diapers and destroy every toy that touched the ground. It took him a long time to realize that he was not the only one we loved anymore and soon found that they were the best fun to play with.

He has been following around the kids ever since hoping to steal some food from their hand or drop balls in front of them in hopes that they would want to play.


His favorite things to do was camping, fishing, swimming, chasing birds, digging holes, getting into the fridge, and playing catch.

Rosco has been suffering with some kind of hernia or tumor in his stomach for the past 4 years. We didn't have the money to get him treated and it has gotten worse over the years and caused him pain and he walked with a limp for about a year. He started to seem to be getting better so we decided to wait to put him down even though we had accepted that he had started to age.

On Tuesday December 4 Rosco woke up with a neurological disorder and it was causing him to not be able to see straight and he couldn't walk. His eyes were going back and forth and he was very delusional. He did not want to eat or drink and he was very lethargic.

Cody and I had finally accepted that he couldn't live with this condition. I had been planning on getting photos taken of Rosco so that I could have a wall photo of him but I didn't know he would take a turn so quickly. We put him down on December 6th.

Cody took him to the vet and Rosco gave him one final kiss before he peacefully went to sleep.


Even though it was such a sad and stressful time I am at peace knowing that he does not have to be in pain anymore and that he is in doggy heaven. During this time it has given us a way to explain to the  kids about the atonement and how are able to see each other again after we die because of the Savior.

We will always remember our first doggie Rosco Bushell.

XOXO

These photos were taken on his last day of his life.