My last post was about Cody's negative actions when it comes to his addiction. I don't want to put emphasis on Cody's weaknesses and wrong doings, but it is very difficult to face the realities without facing the dark parts as well.

It is his 30th birthday next week and I want to celebrate Cody and all his efforts he has done in the past few months. You would think that I would be less stressed and feel hopeful now that he is in a treatment center, but I have found it the complete opposite.

I have started to see my mental and physical health go way down and I started letting it get out of control. I have been acting pretty childish. When he does something I don't like I will pout and let myself do things I normally wouldn't do because I "deserve" it. I will eat junk food, not get chores done, or live off granola bar, jerky, and caffeine to get through the day.
And I kept justifying my bad behavior on my circumstances and that it isn't my fault. Cody calls me a ticking time bomb, because the slightest movement will set me off. I am jumpy and run off very little sleep. When I do fall asleep my body wakes me up in a panic like a loud noise woke me up. I am very irritable and I snap if someone is chewing too loudly. I usually get pretty severe PPD after having a baby but after the year mark, this is something much different.
And I am not going to make excuses for myself anymore. The negative talk and the excuses only lead to guess what? Shame, guilt, depression.

I have wallowed in self pity because nothing is enough. I blame others for my unhappiness. I have to make up for his absence and I get very overwhelmed. The people that I have kept close to me have always been super supportive and listened to me. Some of them are usually praising me on how strong I am. At first it was nice to feel acknowledged for the strength I have been forced to have. But I just keep telling people that I am not special. I haven't graciously accepted my trial. I have been angry and selfish. I have been letting my past hurts come out and affect my life in an negative way. I have acted out negatively towards Cody. When he was at his worst his actions were strictly addictive related and trying to get away with his actions. Cody has never verbally or physically abuse me and he never would. He treats me like a queen and I have not given him that same respect. So I will admit that I am not the perfect wife, or mother, and have made some really bad mistakes.
Cody hasn't given up on me.

I have my own personal beliefs on anxiety/depression disorders. Since there isn't any evidence on mental health with its genetic factors, they call it a pre-disposed condition. Well, I believe it comes from mainly the experiences and circumstantial factors we go through. Although we can all get anxious, nervous, stressed at times in our life, it is when we let it get to the point of debilitating our lives is when it becomes a real problem. Because I am also religious, I believe that there can also be spiritual factors as well as mental and physical factors that can affect our health. Just like our physical bodies can heal, our spiritual and mental health can heal but it takes more effort to get to the root, because we can't physically see where the wound is.

The reason that we look to biblical trials, ancestors, and ancient medicine is because people would stop using treatments that didn't work, and continue to use the ones that are helpful and found healing. I would trust thousands of years of trials and errors, than the opinion of someone who doesn't know your situation. If you ever feel like no one can understand you, turn to Christ, because he is the one who does. We know that in the scriptures people found hope in their depressive times through Christ.

6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.

7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

1 Peter 5:6-7

I have been dealing with dizziness and vertigo off and on for the past year. It will happen every couple of months, and mainly when I am at my highest stress level. I have tried to direct it to any other reason on google. Ear infection, BPPV, dehydration, vitamin deficiency, and convinced myself I have a brain tumor.
When it comes to my mental health I have been too afraid to open the wounds and will avoid it if at all possible. In my last post I talked about how I have developed a type of post traumatic stress disorder. When certain things happen that feels like I will experience the same pains and emotions I have gone through when it comes to the addiction, I will respond into a fight or flight response that feels uncontrollable. Poor Cody has not known how to handle my outbursts. I have also tried my best to understand what is wrong, and even though I've tried to change my attitude it just seems to get worse. Even though he is in treatment for his addiction and continues to improve every day, I am constantly afraid. Fear of the future. Fear of what has not happened. I wrongfully believed that if I changed Cody's situation, that if he got better then everything would be better. I also wrongfully believed that if he was gone, then the pain wouldn't linger. Nothing outside of going to the root cause of the pain and healing it will make it go away. Sometimes I scared myself into thinking that nothing would make the pain go away. When I would get into my full blown panic mode it would feel like someone was sitting on my chest and made it hard to breathe. And I would panic that I couldn't make it stop.

Don't do that. Have hope that things can change.

When I get vertigo I can't even stand up, and if I try to keep going then it makes me nauseous and I get hot/cold flashes. And because I can't stand up I will just lay like a sack of potatoes and don't drink water, and don't eat and then it makes it 100 times worse. It feels like the room is spinning and even lying down doesn't help. I want to cut open my head and take out whatever is making me spin.
Because I haven't been feeling well it makes my stress and anxiety even worse because I can't get the things done that I need to and then I take out all my stress out on Cody.

Cody has been a very strong person. He has been going to the clinic three nights a week, working at the clinic to pay off the fees, and then doing side jobs when he can. Then he comes home and helps get the kids to bed, and tries to spend time with me because I get needy and want him to comfort me. And I am also in the start up phase of my business that is very exhausting, and I feel like I have eyes rolling at me all the time because it doesn't seem necessary right now with the position we are in. He is always willing to do whatever I need to and has been supportive.

I could not do any of it without him. I don't tell him that enough. Sometimes I pout and tell him that I don't need him and I can do it myself. My dad would call it, "cutting off my nose in spite of my face." Its a gross analogy but my dad tells me that I do that a lot.

There has been times in our marriage where I contemplated divorce and if I did people wouldn't blame me for it. But I didn't because Cody has never given up on me. Sometimes thinking about divorce sounds great, I would be able to have the credit and money to buy my own house and fix it up with recycled hand painted tile, wide open windows, hexagon shaped dining nook, and afford boutique candles. My house is much cleaner without him around. But thinking about life without Cody is unbearable. That dude loves me with every cell. Even in his worst times, his lying would be to cover up his bad actions, but he would never verbally or physically abuse me. Cody would do anything for me.

To make this clear to any other spouse with an addict, it is impossible to have a healthy relationship while they are still addicted. You can not have a relationship with two selfish people who won't see the others needs. I am trying my best to find advice and read up on things to save a marriage after addiction just like you probably are. That is why I am writing these blog posts. I am not an expert on marriage. I am just going through this and want to give hope to people that I believe it's possible to save a marriage after addiction. But, I also think it is nearly impossible if you don't add Christ in the picture to heal the wounds and see each other the way God sees us.

“That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.”
president Thomas S Monson

If you are in my same position, with a addictive-alcoholic spouse, and you feel like you might be going crazy. I am going to give you the answer. YOU ARE.
If you try to control or save them, you are drowning yourself. In your efforts to support your addict you have to first take care of yourself. I have heard many different sides and opinions when it comes to addiction. I personally believe addiction is another sort of mental illness waiting to be healed by Christ if we allow it. It is also a spiritual disconnect with giving away our free agency. Also allowing yourself to mentally and physically lose control you are also letting go of your freedom.
Don't do this. It only leads to unnecessary suffering. How do you love them without losing yourself?
boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. My boundaries were, he was not able to use in the house, he was not to lie to me, he was not to be left with the kids while under the influence, but none of these boundaries were able to help myself. Because we are in a different position my boundaries have changed, and I am going to use those boundaries to better help my situation. To allow Cody to have his time to unwind and relax, and likewise for myself. It doesn't need to cost a lot of money but we both need our down time. I plan on getting my summer routine, and taking me time more seriously. I am finding my healthy ways of coping with stress.

For caregivers, in your devoted effort to assist with another’s health, do not destroy your own. In all these things be wise. Do not run faster than you have strength.7 Whatever else you may or may not be able to provide, you can offer your prayers and you can give “love unfeigned.”8 “Charity suffereth long, and is kind; … [it] beareth all things, … hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth.”9

quote from Elder Holland

Thank you Cody for seeing me past my faults and mistakes. For being patient with my craziness. You're the cream to my corn , you're my Robert Plant, my partner in crime. And all the other sappy sayings.

Xo Xo

"When Mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me."
-Led Zeppelin