This Boy Mama Sews Giveaway

So when I see someone who is a hard working, artistic, and genuine human being I just want to share them with the world and help them in any way that I can.

Back when I was making beanies and t-shirts I found a lot of other fellow mamas trying to make it as a instagram shop and be able to make cash flow from home. I am retiring my knitting and tee shirts business but I will forever knit because it is my passion. 

                   

I  want to share with you a brand I have come to love following because everything she posts is so unique and different than any other shop. This mama makes handmade comfy kimonos. And the best part is the prints are amazing. I have always wanted the kimono style tops for spring/summer to wear over a tank or swim suit and not be hot. But I have shopped at every place with kimonos and none of them have a print or color that I like. And also this mama sells them for real cheap. Like, I think she should charge more. When I was scrolling through her feed again even though I wanted to buy a spring/summery kimono, this comfy sweater like kimono caught my eye and I knew I just had to have it.

 And I wear it every day. It goes with everything. It is not too hot so it has been so perfect for spring to have something like a jacket but not a heavy winter jacket.

And I will definitely be wearing this all summer long when we go camping, after dinner snow cone runs, watching the fireworks late at night, carnivals and festivals. Every mom on the go needs a comfy kimono to cover up. And Guess what Mamas! I have used it to nurse in public like a nursing cover. BOOM. It is like the perfect mama must have. It will flatter any body type and you can just be comfy and casual. 

She also started making these darling bows and they are like a silky vintage scarf material. My girls are loving them and are always fighting over who gets to wear the bows. My favorite is the mustard yellow of course but they fight over the black and pink. Raelyn won this time because she is the most stubborn of them all. 

                                             

The headband bows are super soft and comfy so Betty doesn't even rip them out like other bows. 

She  doesn't want it on her head but when you say, "OOOHH so sweeeettt Betty!" She will stop and stare at you and not touch the bow because she loves the attention. And Taylor Holley Photography captured Betty's showing off face. 

            

Have you ever been so sad about your babies getting too big for their swaddle blankets? I think that has been my hardest transition is accepting they won't be swaddled and laid gently into their crib. But the cutest thing is seeing the girls use the blankets they were swaddled in on their dolls. This bow mama sews also sells the super soft jersey swaddle blankets. 

               

So the best part of this post is that This Boy Mama Sews is going to give you a kimono just like mine! That's right a free kimono and we get to match! It is such a good giveaway. 

All you have to do is Follow both

     This Boy Mama Sews

 and me

 Cold Pine Knits

 and tag as many people you want on my instagram post. Each person is one entry and we will pick a random winner 

Friday evening  June 2 2017. 

Good luck and may the odds be ever in your favor. 

               

                                            


                                


                                               Photos by // Taylor Holley Photography

                                              Blanket from //  Indy Brand Clothing 

Treatment

I have been busy the past few months and I had plans on writing a motherhood blog for Mother's Day but now it has come and gone. I will just say that I did not have a good Mother's Day. Addicts are typically self indulged and thinking of someone else's needs for a day can be challenging for them. Which leaves us feeling unappreciated, unseen and lonely.

So here is an update with what is going on with us lately. I haven't written about Cody and I and our addiction recovery for a while so I thought I would give an update. Cody relapsed last fall and it was another long hard struggle trying to balance our life again. It was a VERY rough Christmas.
We have a great family who was able to help us get through it.
 There was many family relationships broken, and lots of trust shattered. Past trauma opened back up. Fear and anxiety took over our home once again. Trying to keep it from the kids is another challenge in itself.
Being a mother is hard but I felt like our unusual circumstances were traumatic and started getting down on myself that I wasn't able to give my kids the life I wanted for them. I want them to not feel the dark circumstances. I felt super stuck. I felt like there was no way to stop the achy pain in my chest. The emotional pain was actually starting to feel "physical."  It starts to become a cycle that you feel like any hope you might have will come around in a full circle and just never end. I had to fully rely on clinging to my faith in Christ and that he was going to carry me through, because I couldn't trust anyone, even myself.


What I want to share with you that I learned is that the most dangerous thing you can do, especially as a mother, is to feel alone. I can promise you this, whatever struggles you have and whatever feelings that arise, there is someone out there in this world who knows that struggle. That is the beauty of this earth is there is billions of people and there is someone out there that has experienced your feelings and emotions. Sometimes we want advice or help with our struggles. But most of the time we just want someone to say "I know how you feel". You may say to yourself that other moms have it better, because of their social media. They look happy so they can't possible understand you. I don't like it when people say blogger moms are being "fake" when they appear happy in their pictures but they are really struggling behind it. The truth is, why would anyone post pictures of them struggling or having a messy house? No one wants to see those pictures. So mamas out there, stop judging instagram feeds. And you might say that your struggles are different and people don't understand you. You are right!
But so does everyone else. I was playing that victim of no one understood the struggles of being a mother with an addicted husband. It would cause me to not open up about my struggles to other moms. But if you find someone you can trust to talk to, you will find that person has a lot of struggles themselves. They might be different but we can relate to each others as moms if we understand that no one has a picture perfect home. And just because their kitchen is sparkling clean in all of their instagram posts does not mean they are being unreal.
Focusing on our blessings is something to help you get through the hard stuff. Even if it is only one or two things. Hold onto those. And when you are counting blessings do not compare them to others. For example I recently heard someone say about their own struggles, "things could be worse, I could be a drug addict."This is a common comparison. What that implies is that 1. that is the worst thing that could happen. Well I am living in the mess of an addict so am I living the worst life? It can certainly be worse. And 2. saying things could be worse/better is not being appreciative and the wrong perspective. You should say "I am so grateful for ... (fill in the blank.) Which is how prayer should come into your life.
Comparing blessings to someone or hypothetical is not the best way to get your happiness. Also not blaming other people for your unhappiness. Trust me I am working on this issue myself. It is so easy for me to blame Cody for a lot of my problems. It makes things difficult and symptoms of PTSD arise when I think I will go through those traumatic experiences again, but that does not mean I can let it control my life.

The second most dangerous thing to do as a struggling mom is to keep all your feelings a secret.

TELL SOMEONE.

Tell someone about your addiction. Tell someone about your pain.  Tell someone you are just angry and don't know why. Tell someone that you are overwhelmed and are scared.
You have to admit to yourself that you have lost control, of your thoughts or your actions. My very first blog post about Cody's addiction was a very hard one and lots of anxiety came from it, wondering what people would think. But it was also the most weight lifted off my shoulders that I didn't have to keep it a secret anymore. That it was okay to have struggles and be open about it. We can help each other by sharing what we are going through. That is the whole point of struggles is to be there for each other. I recently put it into my instagram profile feed "wife of a recovering addict." and I sat there forever wondering if I should put that. But I left it there. It is front and center of my profile as to what my blog is about. The reason is, I hope someone will see it and say "hey, I am a wife of an addict too. She is sharing it with the world and so can I." Or even just for myself to understand that there is just no more secrets. Satan wants you to keep it a secret.

Truth will set you free. 

Truth is everything. 

If you have an addicted spouse I am going to share this with you so that you don't feel so alone. And maybe people who don't have this experience might not understand. And that is okay, just know that this is something we have to go through with an addicted spouse and that it's painful.

 Any holiday whether it be Christmas, birthdays, mother's day, valentines day, anniversary's, or whatever special day it might be, it becomes an incredibly painful experience for the spouse.
When you have an addict this can make memorable moments into a bad one, and you usually have photos to remember forever how bad it was. I am going to try my best not to "husband bash" in this post but I want to share this pain with you.

Typical Christmas - Cody begs for cash to buy me a present. He goes to my parents + $50 he went to his parents + $100 he goes to his sister + $200 he asked me for money for presents + $200.
When Christmas came and there was zero presents and his lie was that he ordered a target purse for me and it was on lay away and he needed more money to get it. The addict fed his addiction leaving family and his wife feeling unloved, unappreciated, undeserving of a present and total trust and hearts broken.

Typical kids birthday party- We are of course broke so I have to do work to make a couple extra bucks for some balloons and a cake and stay up late making crafts and getting glitter everywhere to make it special. Day of event, addicts believe they "deserve" a little extra of their drug of choice that day because its special. So they are usually high and hiding from you. Or completely disappear and doesn't answer his phone. So instead of setting up for a party I am driving around with the kids finding my husband, who went to meet his dealer up the street and had to bring him back and tell him to shape up for one hour for his daughter. And then I put on a happy face and blow up balloons for a party. Leaving me feeling overwhelmed, unappreciated, unloved, and another disappointment.

typical MY birthday- Cody asks for money for a present, I tell him I want a massage or go to dinner. He asks again for a birthday present because he loves me and I deserve the moon but only wants just $200 for a present. I tell him I don't want a present. He begs again to give him the trust back that he lost.
I finally give in, and my anxiety at its peak because I know what he will likely spend it on, wondering if this will be the time that he overdoses, or goes to jail (PTSD kicks in). I can't function as a human or mother because my fear is taking control of my life.
It only results in many lies, many fights, trust lost, heartache, financial struggles, fear and anxiety and it makes all birthdays dreadful and scary to even think about. This year in February my birthday and Valentines are around the same time so he has to do double duty.
He took lots of money from the account, purchased an $10 necklace and put it into a "Kay Jewelers"
box and tells me that its a real diamond necklace so to be careful with it. He also said that there was a guy at work that could get a good deal so he had to bring him cash and was meeting up with him at a parking lot. So he also believes that I am idiot and would believe that he isn't getting drugs he is just doing a drug deal but getting a necklace instead.
Okay....this necklace had no diamonds I assure you. And it was probably the most hurtful thing he has done to me on a holiday. What was even more hurtful is the person that was helping him come up with this lie was someone I was knew. And it hurts even more to know that this person has no problem with coming up with such an elaborate scheme for the sake of the addiction.
And then somehow I become a bad guy because I didn't appreciate his efforts, and that he has tried everything and I just don't give him any trust.

typical Cody's birthday- he celebrates by getting high and then we can't function as a couple or family.

typical Mother's day- I just want a day to relax, maybe a card. my kids will color me pictures, go pick flowers in the yard, (sorry neighbor) but my husband will not say a word to me all day, and just sleep the day away because he is tired from working, or sick.

Addicts make you feel unseen on holidays. If you have an addicted spouse and you have felt this way on these holidays YOU ARE NOT ALONE.


 If it makes you feel better at all I want to tell you that I see you. I understand you. I know the hard struggles that come from mothering what seems like without much help. I know that you have to pull extra weight when you spouse is not able to. And then feel unappreciated when you do. You feel like your two hands will never be enough and feel guilt about not being able to do it all yourself.
I also want you to know that your addict still loves you. We can't make excuses for them, but we can understand their decisions are much harder when the addiction takes over.
We need to continue to develop healthy boundaries, protect ourselves and our children, and still love them unconditionally through their bad decisions.

Just keep going.

On St. Patrick's Day march 17 2017, I cornered Cody and gave him a decision.
I said you can either continue your lifestyle on your own, or I will give you the option of an outpatient treatment center and get help.
He finally agreed to an outpatient so that he would be able to go to work, see his children, be with me and still get the treatment he needed. For the first time ever I saw hope in Cody's eyes.
 He was pretty sick so I basically had to carry him in on a stretcher emergency style (not really) but we got him help.
He has been able to do it for 8 weeks and he has been doing really well. There is still bumps along the way and many years of pain that need to heal. But we are on a slow uphill road that I am trying to be hopeful that it will be a true recovery.
The treatment center is extremely expensive and that is one reason that it has been a hard decision to make to check him in.
When we went to sign him up I had an overwhelming feeling that it was the right decision and to not worry about the money. I knew that it would work itself out somehow, and things have been working out and right now we are hopeful. We still have some of the challenges that come with it.
Because he is at his treatment most of the week I am alone a lot more and taking the kids with me everywhere I go. It makes it more stressful for me but at least he is getting better, and hopefully temporary. So Cheers to that!



xoxo

"Truth is everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for."
- Bob Marley 

                                            Photo Credit to Taylor Holley Photography