Guest Post: Never Alone Recovery

Pop Culture, Psychology, and My Love Addiction

I used to confuse codependency with love. Sometimes I still do. We're almost raised to confuse the two these days. We revel in bittersweet stories about someone who dies of a broken heart. Romantic movies about couples who save each other or forgive egregious hurts are favorites across the nation. And why are we always obsessed with this idea of "love at first sight?" Certainly you can have feelings for someone very quickly, but you really don't know someone well enough at first sight to know if you actually love them. Those types of feelings are more codependent than genuine love.

According to Billboard, the most chart topping love song of all time is "Endless Love" by Lionel Richie and Diana Ross. It's a good song, and they are talented musicians. But the song opens with "My love, there's only you in my life. The only thing that's bright." Very sweet, but is it healthy if your romantic partner is the only thing in your life? Probably not the best situation!

Like many people with codependent tendencies, some of my actions can be traced back to childhood. Through trial and error I had learned that certain tactics would get me affection while others would lead to chaos in my home. These positive behaviors became second nature to me while I avoided the negative ones whenever I could. I learned to be seen and not heard. I learned that good people give others "the shirt off their back." I learned not to question authority. I also learned to mediate arguments and avoid confrontation.

But the thing is, as I got older these tactics became less and less effective. As I started to get into romantic relationships, things started to get real dysfunctional. I found myself ending up in relationships with controlling partners who took more than they gave. I didn't understand why it kept happening. What I didn't realize is that the vibes I put out attracted that kind of person. I was attracting people who felt insecure, and saw that I wouldn't challenge their authority or question their abilities. I was willing to acquiesce to their opinions and needs, being seen in the relationship but not truly heard. And these insecure partners used the emotional shirts off my back to comfort their own pains. It was exhausting. My needs never mattered. I kept waiting for my needs to matter because I thought that's how they would show their love. I never complained because I avoided confrontation. Despite using my whole bag of usual tricks, I wasn't happy anymore.

And yet I would stay in these relationships. From my first relationship as a teen, I entered into a string of back to back long term relationships. I never ended the current exhausting relationship until I had the next one lined up. If I ever sensed a partner might leave me, I doubled down on meeting every need they had so they would see how great I was. I had no concept of boundaries or how they could be helpful in a relationship. Sometimes in movies I would see someone set a boundary. For example, maybe a woman would get cheated on, and in a moment of self-respect she would kick her husband out and then cry herself to sleep. But I didn't want to cry myself to sleep. That looked terrible.


I didn't want to be alone. I would rather put up with the most bullshit treatment than be alone. I tried to learn how to do relationships. With no good examples of a healthy relationship in my personal life, I turned to pop culture. I watched Princess Leia try to tame the wild man Han Solo, a man so emotionally unavailable that he can't even say the words "I love you." He was jealous and willing to walk away at any moment and she would repeatedly comfort his fears. I mean if that's what Princess Leia has to do, I guess that's what we have to do. And remember sweet Forrest Gump? Somehow his "happy ending" involved the object of his affection hiding a biological son for years and then only coming to settle down with Forrest because she was terminally ill and needed someone to help her. After a lifetime of unrequited love, he tells her "I'll take care of you if you're sick." Finally she loves him. Did I mention he had also become a millionaire by then? Hmmmm….. 

You see, stability doesn't sell. A movie or tabloid story about two people who respect each other is boring. A tumultuous relationship inspires more passion - albeit negative - than a relationship where the partners trust each other and communicate effectively. People can even become addicted to the ups and downs of a turbulent relationship. In a volatile relationship (of any type) the occasional expressions of affection and forgiveness create a natural high because it makes us feel happy. We enjoy this part of the relationship and our brains enjoy the "reward" of happiness. In psychology there is something called <a href=https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-schedule-of-reinforcement-2794864>the partial (or intermittent) variable interval schedule of reinforcement</a>. Basically it just means that when we get a reward occasionally (but not every time) for doing an action, we want to keep doing that action. So when we're occasionally (but not always) rewarded for staying in a relationship, we want to stay in it.

I personally think it's important to understand these ideas to understand ourselves. I can't always tell you why I would stay in relationships that weren't fulfilling. I suspect it's a complex answer. But I think some of it can be traced to basic psychology in terms of things that happened when I was young, things I've observed growing up, and things that happen in real time. Especially because I personally have a history of addictive behaviors. I started stealing candy and treats when I was just a kid, and continue to struggle with food as an adult. I've suffered from substance addiction and have an unhealthy relationship with shopping. So in a way, it's no surprise that I'm also addicted to love and affection. And just like the substances that ruined my life at one point, I sometimes seek love and affection at the expense of my own well being. My fear of being alone and miserable kept me in the situations that made me miserable.

So what defense do we have against reward pathways that may have been forming in our brains since we were young?  Well, awareness is a good start.  Understanding why our first impulse might not be the best idea can give us a minute to get out of autopilot (or emotional thinking patterns) and start to examine the situation rationally.  We need to stop thinking about how we can save someone, or how they might be able to save us. We need to be okay with who we are BEFORE we decide to partner up with someone. Our partner shouldn't be the co-star in our life, compensating for our short comings, and sharing credit for our successes. They should be more like the person operating the spotlight. We're doing our scene independently and our partner is ready to believe in us, help us shine, and show all of our amazing-ness to the world. And when the time comes, we'll be there for them too.

Speaking of shining bright, pop culture has our backs too, when we look for it. I try to keep my playlist on positivity and remember that everyone makes mistakes or gets stuck sometimes. But it is possible to face our fears and step out of unhealthy situations. Here's a few of my favorite divas that stand strong in the spotlight and sing about life's challenges:

Now that you're out of my life

I'm so much better

You thought that I'd be weak without you

But I'm stronger

You thought that I'd be broke without you

But I'm richer

You thought that I'd be sad without you

I laugh harder


How could this man I thought I knew

Turn out to be unjust so cruel

Could only see the good in you

Pretended not to know the truth

You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself

Through living in denial

But in the end you'll see

You won't stop me

























































I am a fighter and I ain't goin' stop 

There is no turning

 back I've had enough




It took all the strength I had not to fall apart

Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart

And I spent oh-so many nights just feeling sorry for myself

I used to cry

But now I hold my head up high

And you see me

Somebody new

I'm not that chained-up little person and still in love with you

And so you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free

Well, now I'm saving all my lovin' for someone who's loving me

References:


https://www.therapyinphiladelphia.com/tips/co-dependent-relationships


https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/healthy-connections/201507/what-codependency-is-and-what-it-isnt



Kaye can usually be found blogging for Never Alone Recovery, a group of addicts in recovery who help other addicts.  She’s in recovery for drug and alcohol addiction, and is an admitted co-dependent.  She continues to address all of these issues through counseling and support groups and believe growth is a lifelong process.