Thanksgiving Special

I am going to be the first one to admit on Thanksgiving, I have not always been a grateful person. I am going to give you some truths that might get me in trouble, but oh well.
I kind of hate the long facebook posts about I am thankful for my house, my family, my health, my kids, my food, my clothing, etc etc etc. I know that there are genuine people who understand what true gratitude is. But, I was one of these people who made those long lists but behind it was really just a ungrateful person. It was super easy to name of all the things we are grateful for and move on. That is not what gratitude is. I tried to do a challenge with my kids that we try to think of something we are grateful for every night for 20 days. And to be honest, I got lost after my kids, my health, my house etc. I could be real specific but thinking of 20 things was hard.
The past couple of months I have been really trying to figure out True humility and also more understanding of myself and other people. Perspective is really the key in everything when it comes to how you see yourself and others. I do think that I have at times been grateful, but maybe only in times of seeing others suffer. Like when you see someone have a hardship you are like, I am so grateful I do not have to face that. Or I am so grateful that I am safe. But times goes on and you go back to your normal ungrateful self.
I think this can be a huge part of anxiety and depression. That we "think" we are grateful and we believe that we are doing everything right and are still depressed. But maybe we aren't as grateful as we see ourselves being.

We can be grateful for the thorns on the rose, instead of complain that roses have thorns. 


For myself I did this for years until I found a glimpse of true gratitude and it was only when I had nothing. Or so I thought. When I have talked about how when we were so poor because of Cody's addiction I sold so much stuff. And Sometimes it felt like we had very little but the truth was I was more grateful for my belongings when I had much less. Outside people thought it was sad or stressful for me to sell my stuff but it was such a cleansing and relieving experience. It made me realize how possessions are really not important. When you think the cup is half empty just realize that it can be refillable.
Cody once told me when we were just fighting and I had to make the choice to let him stay here, He said that he was going to change now because he had lost everything. It made me realize that he really was not being grateful because at the moment I could give him a huge list that he was missing. Yes we lost LOTS of money, both cars, one to an accident and one because he got a title loan that we couldn't pay and we lost our truck. We lost tools to pawn, furniture I sold, little food, and if it wasn't for us living in a place my grandparents owned we would have been homeless a long time ago. but at that moment I realized that we were all still alive, we had family and friends who wouldn't allow us to suffer, we weren't homeless and most of all we had each other still. It was not rock bottom. Then I thought of how things could be so much worse like homeless, death, jail, or our kids starving. And the gratitude flooded me and I realized that we were being ridiculous and we were fine.
 
I come from a family of hoarders and so I definitely have that problem with stuff and I have also seen how it has totally consumed their lives and they can't let anything go without mental stress.
I did not want to be one of those people. It has taken me time to get over that. I know there are sentimental and sacred things we keep and that is fine if you have a place for it.
But stuff is stuff and I promise there is more out there. Things are replaceable. And it has also made me be more choosy with what I allow in my home. If it is not 100 percent me and what I want then why waste the money on it? If its temporary or will make do then I didn't really want it, even if it was Free! Life is too short to be complaining about what we have and that we wish we had better things. Or have things that just don't make us happy. I know we can blame social media on making us believe we have to have all white sparkling clean kitchens with designer cookware and designer clothes while baking homemade goods. But the truth is some people are just that awesome, and just because they have those things doesn't mean you can't be grateful in your circumstances. So if it really bothers you then clean the clutter. Start over.


"Let us give thanks for what we are and for the circumstances God has given us for our personal journey through mortality."

Elder Dallin H. Oaks

Now I am not just talking about stuff. I felt true gratitude in my pain and suffering because it caused me to have so much more understanding and growth. When Cody did something that was so incredible hurtful it was just too much. I felt like my chest was going to explode. I went to my emotional healer and He said that most of that pain is not Cody's actions. It is little Katie that learned when I was young that I didn't matter and I was not important. When Cody lied to me, it made me feel like my feelings did not matter to him. Or when he chose to use that I was not important to him.
And when this happened I mean I got angry. SUPER angry.  And then I would allow dark spirits and negative energies to enter our home and then it just made things worse for me.
When that pain comes back I just lash out at Cody and it made me realize that no matter what he does I have no excuse to act like that. And I had to work on myself and find how I can better handle the hard situations that he has laid me with. It is also a catch 22 when I am in so much pain, that one and only person I want to comfort me is my husband. And I found so much gratitude that he was just still there. He was still my husband and just like I love him, I do know that he loves me so hard. I don't know if that many people have that kind of Love strength in their marriage.  I am grateful that we were able to have these experiences to really test it and see if we would really do the vows we made through sickness and health. I don't believe in death do us part, I believe in all of the eternities so it better be the right person. because you may have to take on a lot of baggage.
I am grateful for Cody's strength that when he was faced with his temptation that he made the choice for his family. It is going to be a long struggle and I know there is still a chance we can't beat it. but TODAY I am grateful that we have everything we need and we are all healthy. And start over again tomorrow. I am also grateful for our trial because I have so much more understanding. That when I see quotes on Pinterest I'm like Yup Yup, and nod along and know I learned it the hard way.
If we totally *&^% up, it doesn't matter! What matters is what you do next. Do you fall back or keep moving forward?
I am making the effort to be grateful in ALL circumstances. Or you will get lost in the darkness. It is very easy to go there. And it is going to take a lot of work and effort and I know that I can not be successful on any level if I am not showing true gratitude to myself and also to the man upstairs.

Cheers

Katie's Whole Wheat Stuffing Recipe


1 cup    Butter
3 celery staulks
1/2 onion
15 slices whole wheat bread
2 tbsp fresh sage
2  tbsp fresh thyme
1 cup dried cranberries or raisins

In saucepan cook butter til melted, saute celery and onion in butter until tender.
Tear bread into small cubes in large bowl. stir in 1/3 of the bread cubes into butter mix.
stir in chopped herbs and add dried fruit.
Stuff turkey before roasting or place stuffing into baking dish and cook COVERed for 15 minutes and Uncovered for 15 mintues at 325 degrees.

You're welcome.

Betty's Birth Story

I have been telling my recovering addiction story for the past couple of years of my life so you can jump back posts to read about my story.

Last post was about the final break through with Cody that I knew what was going on with our family and I made the decision to stay with him and help him in the recovery process.

After that I made the decision I realized that I still needed to be able to support myself if things went bad with Cody. I am a massage therapist but getting a license in Utah was difficult and I had to pay lots of money for CE classes and paying for the licensing and I wasn't 100 percent sure if that's what I wanted to do.
I had kind of been thinking about a wedding rental with my antiques for a while but I was too overwhelmed with everything going on and so I didn't know where to start. but I finally decided I needed to make some real money and not just knitting.
So I found some facebook pages that are wedding related and put it out there that I was going to start being a wedding planner and was willing to work for really cheap to build my portfolio.
I did get a bride that was willing to let me do her wedding and I was so grateful for her. She gave me some confidence and allowed me to have a project and not just sit around thinking about how my life was falling apart.
I had a little budget so I was doing lots of DIY projects to cut the cost and I really enjoyed doing it. but there was one project that I needed Cody's help. It was just too hard to do by myself. I asked him if he would take the materials to Las Vegas and work on them when he got off work. He promised he would do it and then he just didn't. We were two days away from the wedding and it was Sunday night and he was having to get ready to go back to Las Vegas for yet another week.
At this point I was 8 months pregnant and doing anything was just harder. He left me with the materials and I was angry and depressed and didn't know how I was going to pull off this wedding by myself and being pregnant with three little kids.
Cody had his bags packed and was ready to leave, but when his parents came to pick him up he made the decision he wasn't going back and that he was going to stay the week to help me with the wedding and he also knew that he wasn't going to be able to get the pills he needed. He would then have to do the final step of going through the withdrawals.
All day and night we made the things we needed and the wedding went great.

 Cody and I call it "hell week" it was so miserable watching him go through withdrawals. It was scary at times, and I was trying to keep the kids away while still being there for Cody.
We also knew that without him working we were going to be in trouble financially but at this time getting him clean was the most important thing.
It was sleepless nights, and lots of hopelessness and feeling useless. But I was right there with everything.
He had cleaned my puke many times through all my pregnancies and always took care of me when I needed it. So it was my turn to just be there for him. Even though it seemed like an eternity to both of us, it was short. And it was worth it to both of us because we had a bonding experience from all of it. Cody knew the day was approaching to get clean because our baby was Due and I had to make the hard decision to tell Cody that he was not going to be able to attend the birth if he was not clean. Some people told me that was cruel and I wasn't able to do that because it was his kid. but I know it was the right decision because Cody needed something to motivate him and a reason to get clean. I was very scared that I was going to have to fulfill my threat of him not being there because it was something I did not want to do alone. but I wasn't able to relax and give birth if I had contention and knew that my husband couldn't fully be there for me.

Cody managed to stay clean for the next few weeks working for my grandpa doing side jobs  and Feb 9 2016 that morning I was starting to feel contractions.
By evening I was calling Cody every hour and telling him to be ready and telling my mom to be on call to come get the kids.
They were finally strong enough that we had to go to the birthing center and we made it there before the midwives. I have had faster labors each time so I was definitely worried it would be too quick. but when we got there she checked me and I was at a 4 CM. and said that we have plenty of time and I wanted to get into the water.

Cody went to get a shake next door and it took him about 20 minutes and when he got back my water broke. Midwives came in and said everything was looking great, and so we waited and I just let the baby come down without pushing, and just enjoying each contraction and allowing my body to adjust and prepare for the baby. The head came out and the shoulders struggled a bit so I stood up and put one leg up and that baby slid right out.

And then we had four babies. She was perfect and beautiful and Cody was freaking out because she didn't cry she was just content looking around. We were all not worried about her but Cody wasn't there for any of the meetings or orientations with the midwives and so he thought that the oxygen mask was because she was in distress. But they told me that they usually give them a puff of air to help clear the lungs and speed up the process of them breathing on their own.
but once we calmed Cody's nerves and got me into bed it was so amazing.

The bed was so comfy and warm and I didn't bleed very much which is something I usually have a problem with. and they told me that I didn't tear at ALL. and that is another story about my births that it was something traumatic for me healing from births.
She was healthy and beautiful and I felt great.

I was able to stand right up and walk around and we said we want to go home. so about an hour after being born we took her home and the kids wanted to love on her but it was late so we just went to bed and started our new life together. We named her Betty Bloom Bushell.

 

I thought everything was going to be fine, but that was short lived because Cody had relapsed and things were getting stressful again. I was really scared because I now had a newborn and didn't know how I was able to work or support myself and I just didn't know how he was going to support us.
When Betty was four weeks old there was something off with her. I co-sleep with my babies and one night I was waking up all night and telling Cody it felt like she wasn't breathing. He just brushed it off and said she is fine but the next day I didn't want to leave her alone. I didn't even want to shower because I felt like something was wrong. She started developing a cough and runny nose so I knew she was sick. She didn't have a fever so I thought she would be okay. but when I went to nurse her she had a really nasty cough and she couldn't stop and then her lips were turning blue. It was the scariest thing I have ever witnessed on any of my babies.  I said a really quick prayer and I said, Heavenly Father my instincts tell me that I need to take my baby to the hospital and I get a very clear and quick answer back and it was YES take her to the hospital.

I called my dad and he came over to babysit and everyone was kind of acting like I was over reacting.
When we got there they confirmed it was RSV and deadly to infants and she needed to stay.
They got her in and put some oxygen tubes up her nose. That night she was having apnea spells and would stop breathing for a long period of time. Every time the machine went off my heart was pounding and my brain went foggy and I just thought my baby was dying. The nurses couldn't give me straight answers except "most" babies survive RSV but they couldn't guarantee it.
That night the baby next door to me had the exact same Virus and she had got so bad they were taking her by helicopter to take  her to primary children's in salt lake because they had a better equipment and team for babies that severe. I started freaking out that that was going to be me next. And I just prayed for her to have a quick recovery. I could not sleep and my anxiety was through the roof.
The next day she had gotten worse and she had spiked an fever and needed to do blood tests and make sure she didn't have meningitis and take her urine to do more tests and it was just stressful. She was a beautiful healthy baby and it all changed in an instant.
Her oxygen levels were getting worse so they told me that had to jump to the highest BPAP so that she could get the most oxygen and if it got worse she would have to go by helicopter.
Because the mask covered her face she wasn't able to nurse so I had to pump and feed her through tubes. So I knew that this was for the long haul and I went home and got new clothes, my laptop, and some things to do while I was there.
During this time I hadn't talked to Cody and he was starting a new job with a company and I was stressed because I knew that Cody was withdrawing at home and he had to take care of my kids.
So I was a total mess having my baby sick and worrying about my family at home and I have never felt so much anxiety in my life. My adrenaline had spiked a few times and found myself having shakes. It was like the feeling of when you are really Cold and getting shivers uncontrollably. It was scary and I thought I was going bonkers.
Cody came to see her after day 3 and it went was bad, we just fought and then he left. I was so nervous about how our family was going to survive this at all.
After 6 days 5 nights in the hospital we were finally discharged and I was scared to leave because those machines were the only thing telling me that she was alive and she was okay.
but we went home and started over yet again and knew that this was a long road ahead of us.

When I got pregnant with Betty I thought how could this be right. The timing was all wrong. but now I know that Betty was part of saving our family. When I heard the name Betty it was an immediate I knew that was her name.
I like to look up the meaning of names and the meaning of Betty is "God's inspiration." and that is exactly what she is to our family. She completes us and makes us better because of her presence on the earth and we are going to watch that beautiful soul grow and help heal us.

Photo by Aly Collins Photography

Now she is 9 months and is already walking (I know) and she is a talker. Anytime I talk she is trying to talk over me with her jibber jabber. Her hobbies are ripping my knitting to shreds and tangling it up and climbing up the stairs every 10 minutes. You just look at her and she laughs.  She is such a blessing to us. She also looks exactly like her dad. We love our chunky cheeked Boomers.

photos by Maria Camila 

J.R.R. Tolkien saved my life

Do any of you have a movie or book that is always your go to when you are just down or stressed? Sometimes for me its hunger games, sometimes Harry Potter. But above all my go to movies are the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
I fell in love with the Hobbit in 6th grade. When I checked out the book at the library my teacher told me that it was too advanced for me and I probably shouldn't read it. Well I am the most stubborn person and if someone tells me that I can't do something I am determined to prove them wrong. It was definitely a hard read but I was not going to give up. I ended up liking it and read the whole series.
In high school my mom gave me a tiny TV that had a VCR player and I would play one of the movies every night before I would go to bed.

I bet you are wondering why I would do a post about Lord of the Rings. This is going to be hard for me to explain but I will try. When I used to watch the movies religiously I would get really into the depth of the movie. I thought it was symbolic for me at the time when I was in high school. I was strongly into drugs and alcohol and it was when I was experimenting with heroin. I didn't do it long it was only about a 6 month period and when I did it I was get violently sick. I don't know why but my body would react to it. I still tried doing it because the people around me were doing it and I enjoyed being in their company.
I cleaned up and moved away and shortly after moving to Las Vegas one of my friends who was struggling with this addiction had committed suicide. It was very heart breaking and I had drove up from Las Vegas to be at his funeral. It was very surreal and devastating to lose such a wonderful person. This is when I was realizing the connection of Lord of the Rings and specifically heroin/opiate addiction. 

This is my inspiration for this blog post. We just found out that another one of our good friends from high school has lost his battle to addiction. He was best friends with the person that committed suicide I talked about. Just like the other friend He was an amazing person who was inspiring. He had such trials in his life and he managed to always be a positive person and he was kind to everyone. When we heard the news it devastated Cody and I. Cody was telling me about the guilt and helplessness he felt with this situation. He wished he would have reached out to him or have been a better friend. 

These are normal feelings when you are placed in these circumstances. 

I had to dig through my piles of stuff I kept from High School. I had to write poetry for my English class. I wrote this during the time I was hanging out with the two people I am talking about in this blog post. Here is the poem. 

Heroin 

by Katie 

Our Burdens are getting heavier

we travel through the trees 

all we have to drink is the dampness 

of our spirits

The rain clouds determines your mind 

you wonder if the burden will last 

Day by day you go by 

pitying yourself and others like you 

No one can be trusted 

they betray you in every breath they take 

they lie and deceive 

their promises they swear 

You go on with a little chance of hope 

you feel the blood underneath your  fingers 

as you drag yourself 

across the stinging ground 

your burden is treacherous 

you see yourself in a hundred years 

in darkness 

darker than shadow 

you are almost there

to the black gate of the black city 

where the sweet taste in your mouth 

grows colder 

the cold liquid burns through your veins 

your eyes on fire. 

you tell yourself its not true 

but you caught yourself red handed. 

 It was how I saw a life of a heroin addict.  This was some deep stuff for the 16 year old me, but I am glad that I kept this and have this record of my thoughts during that time of my life.

When it consumes your life and you let it take you, you would become someone like Gollum. It would make someone like Smeagol and take his soul into a creature that you don't recognize. 
Everyone in Middle Earth always recognized and admired the strength of the hobbits and even during such trial times, and temptations of the Ring they stayed stronger than any other race. 
The relationship that Frodo and Sam had was amazing because they were a team and they pushed through together. Frodo wouldn't have made it without Samwise. And he is always been my favorite character of the book. 
Every addict needs a Sam to be right behind them and always keep them from their own weaknesses. Even though Sam couldn't help him with his burden and he desperately wanted to, he relieved the burden when Frodo couldn't go on.  
I love when Samwise saves Frodo from Shelob the giant spider and he tells him,

When a loved one is an addict that is kind of the relationship you have. You have to just stand by and watch someone you love suffer and you feel like it is your responsibility. You go through the guilt and what you could have done differently or to make their life better. You feel totally helpless. It is hard to see hope in your own happiness when they are unhappy. It feels like their failure is your failure and you are tied to their fate. Sam felt guilty and wanted to share the burden of the ring. He wanted to take away his pain. Frodo tried to tell him that it wasn't his burden and he couldn't help. but even with Frodo pushing him away Sam is the one that saved Middle Earth. These feelings of guilt and helplessness just come with the addiction relationship.
Gollum was already past the point of redemption but Frodo was hanging on to the idea that there was still good in him because he didn't want to face the fear in himself that he too would be lost in the darkness like Gollum. Sam had repeatedly told him that he was a liar and a thief, and there wasn't changing him, but Sam still stuck by Frodo even though he chose to keep Gollum around. but it was hard and hurtful for Sam.
Sam also went back to help Frodo even though he sent him away and made him feel like he wasn't wanted or needed. But he knew he was in danger so he went to find him. Sam had literally carried frodo on his back to the last and final stages of ridding the world of evil in Mordor. Frodo and Gollum fought to the death to get this ring and it ended in Gollum's demise because he would rather die with it than let it go.

Well, I really do not think that there is ever a point of no return. There is ALWAYS hope and Samwise tells us that. when he says.

When you are stuck in such darkness, believing there is still good and hanging onto a small amount of hope is the only way you will get yourself through. The addict just can see the eye controlling them and they can't see the light and hope. You need to be a Samwise to show them there is something to fight for. However, we are asked to love and help where we can but we can not force change or recovery if they do not want it.

But I have had to learn this through the battle with Cody's addiction. People have free agency. We can not control people and it is the hardest thing to watch someone you care about suffer. Last night Cody and I had talked about the reality of drugs and how it can affect other people. Because we can't control others actions we sometimes can't control the pain that comes from it. 

All we can do is choose to deal with those feelings when they come. How we react to them and how we control our feelings and minds is where our healing and happiness comes from, and not other people's actions. 

How liberating is it to learn that we aren't responsible for other people? All we are asked of God is to take care of ourselves and to find our strength so we can be a light to other people. It is only our responsibility to love and cherish the time we have with our loved ones. Even though it is not our battle we are expected to help them through theirs. The only way we can be there for others if we choose to take care of ourselves. Whether it is through being an example or through service. 

We will be praying and sending love and light to those families who have lost those people in this hard battle. These were Frodos who were just trying to make it and didn't succeed. but I know that because of the atonement these wonderful people are not lost and they are in a beautiful place. I have a testimony of the unity of our families when we pass, and that we have the opportunities to be saved. There is hope always with our Savior. 

When I was going through a hard time while Cody was gone working in Las Vegas and I felt like I was barely afloat I was watching the Hobbit- battle of the five armies almost every night to help me to sleep. I do not like sleeping by myself. I would fall asleep and then when the credits came I woke up because I would hear this song. It is probably the most beautiful song and when we heard about our friend this song came to my mind. 

The actor that played Pippin in the lord of the Rings wrote this song for the ending of the Hobbit Trilogy and combing the 6 movies together as one. 

The Last Goodbye by Billy Boyd

Lyrics

I saw the light fade from the sky
On the wind I heard a sigh
As the snowflakes cover
My fallen brothers
I will say this last goodbye

Night is now falling
So ends this day
The road is now calling
And I must away

Over hill and under tree
Through lands where never light has shone
By silver streams that run down to the sea

Under cloud, beneath the stars
Over snow and winter's morn
I turn at last to paths that lead home

And though where the road then takes me,
I cannot tell
We came all this way
But now comes the day
To bid you farewell

Many places I have been
Many sorrows I have seen
But I don't regret
Nor will I forget
All who took that road with me

Night is now falling
So ends this day
The road is now calling
And I must away

Over hill, and under tree
Through lands where never light has shone
By silver streams that run down to the sea

To these memories I will hold
With your blessing I will go
To turn at last to paths that lead home

And though where the road then takes me,
I cannot tell
We came all this way
But now comes the day
To bid you farewell

I bid you all a very fond farewell

watch the YouTube video HERE