My husband has struggled with a prescription pill addiction.
This is what inspired me to start my blog again. My intentions with sharing is not husband bashing or sympathy, but I want one of my readers to relate and feel hope in a similar situation that I have been in.
I am appreciative of this challenge because I have learned and grown so much. I know there are many people out there that struggle with addiction and we need to talk about it because it can be very painful and sometimes you aren't sure what you are supposed to do. There isn't a right answer for everyone and it is a hard struggle because sometimes it feels like there isn't any hope.
It has tested my faith and also my marriage, and I know now that I can love my husband through sickness and health. I want you to know if you are going through this that there is hope. And you are not alone in those feelings and emotions that come with living with an addictive spouse.
My last post about being a mompreneur I talked mostly about the year 2014 when we moved from Las Vegas to Utah and things were starting to go downhill for us. I lost my t shirt business and rebranded myself to make money.
The year 2015 turned even harder than I thought could even be possible. We have had challenges and struggles but this struggle of my life made all other trials seem minimal in comparison. Cody and I were doing really bad and I was seriously considering divorce for the first time. I had never pictured my life without him. I realized how much I depended on him because I was starting to fall apart and it was because I felt like I wasn't whole. When I looked into Cody's eyes he was not there. Everything about him and who he was as a person was gone and it felt like mourning the loss of my husband.
I had suspicions of drugs and asked him numerous times if it was and he would look me in the eyes and tell me that it wasn't. I was on a mission to get him to confess or prove he was doing drugs and he just wouldn't admit it. I would even catch him doing things and he would still come up with lies. My dad was telling me that it was drugs and I was trying to convince him that it wasn't because I didn't want anyone to think badly of my husband. And I didn't want to believe that such a good person could do something so wrong. I was trying to treat Cody innocent until proven guilty, but I could't prove it so I was focusing myself on just being there for him when he asked, but he never did.
At this point we had $0.00 and I was far too afraid to ask anyone for money. I had looked around my house and saw a lot of STUFF. I have always been an stuff collector. I sold off a lot of my things. At first it was hard to let go of some of the things that I really loved and wanted to keep but I saw it making money so I kept doing it. This is how I found one of my most dear friends today because she was buying a lot of my stuff. The more I sold the more I felt good about the fact I could make money and also made me feel good to clear out all the clutter in my home. Things became just stuff to me and I didn't care anymore. My bedroom became bare, down to just a mattress and clothes on my floor, my living room down to a couch and a TV on the ground, and we even didn't have a kitchen table but my grandpa let me use an old pioneer table of his. And I kind of loved it. It was such an humbling experience. Because I still had enough and my family.
I was on an emotional roller coaster where one day I would be certain that I was going to stick to my marriage and then the next day I was very certain that it just had to end. When I prayed about it I was asking for a very direct answer but didn't get any real direction. The feeling I got was that it was my decision and he was going to help me through whatever I chose. I was such a mess emotionally and I didn't want to see anyone so I pretty much isolated myself. Cody was always gone, and when he was there we would just fight. I had finally decided to see what it would take for a divorce and looking online for some kind of DIY paperwork because I didn't have money and I was scared to involve my parents or anyone in the process. The reason I needed legal papers was because Cody was not being rational when it came to the kids and he wouldn't agree on any terms. I told Cody it was time and he broke down and was on his knees and begging me to stay and that he was going to do better.
July 4, 2015 I took a pregnancy test because I had missed a period and was feeling sick for a long time and I just knew that is what it was. I feel terrible about this, but I was not happy about the pregnancy and it was very unexpected. Cody hadn't even wanted to touch me in months and we call her our miracle baby because we don't know how it happened. But it gave us both a wake up call. I thought that I was going to be able to work and make it on my own without Cody but now with being pregnant it changed the whole game. I could not work being pregnant because I get HG and become debilitated and sick for months of my pregnancy. I now needed Cody desperately because I could not take care of the kids being sick.
I soon starting throwing up 5 or 6 times a day and was trying to keep my kids fed and still trying to sell things to make money and my body was not handling it well. My mom was doing politics at the time and she helped when she could. My mom is always willing to help her children and has always held me together, but during this time she was busy and I just had my dad to help. My dad would vacuum or just come play with the kids or just come and talk to me and see how I was doing. He brought me some soup and I don't know what I would have done without my dad. And then I was assigned some new visiting teachers and these ladies were so selfless and brought me food, came and cleaned my bathrooms, and dishes once or twice a week. They were angels from heaven and they took care of me. I have a testimony and understanding of the importance of visiting teaching because of these ladies and the service to me.
I felt like Cody was away even more because of all the stress he had to help me at home and with the kids and when I didn't think things could get worse, they did. Cody was going on a fishing trip with the kids for his dad's birthday. We had yet another fight about drugs, and why he was always tired and I told him I was scared he was going to fall asleep at the wheel and begged him to not go. He left anyway and I was just sobbing for hours with just Rae and me throwing up by myself worried about my kids.
I get a call from Cody long after I was expecting him home. He was crying so hard he couldn't talk to me. He just said,"Katie we had an accident." My heart sank and my brain went cloudy. The EMT took the phone from Cody and she said,"Your family was in an accident and we need to meet you at the Provo hospital." I asked if they were okay and she just said your son is going to need some checking over. So of course I think the worst and starting freaking out and called my mom and I couldn't even tell her what happened because I was crying so hard. My parents dropped everything and came to my house. They were there in probably 10 minutes but it was the longest 10 minutes of my life.
When my parents got there they calmed me down. They were telling me that I can't panic or lose it until I know what had happened. I knew that at least Cody was okay. I wanted to strangle him and hold him at the same time. We got to the hospital and it was an eternity waiting for the ambulance to get there. When I saw Cody he wouldn't even look me in the eyes. Cody went with Zion and I went with Sage. They checked sage over and the EMT's kept saying things like, "These kids are so lucky." and "Those seat belts saved these kids lives." and "This could have been so much worse." I was still sick from being pregnant and I was just trying my best to not throw up. Once they assured me that Sage was okay with just some cuts and bruises, I ran to Zion's room and he just looked horrible. They had him stripped to his underwear and checking everything over.
When I came to the bedside I saw Zion's face go from terrified to comforted when he saw me. I tried not to panic or cry seeing him because I needed Zion to know that he didn't need to feel scared. I just asked him questions about fishing. If he caught any fish and what color life jacket he got to wear this time and he was just giving me nods. He finally says, "Mom, my stomach hurts really bad." I wanted so badly to comfort Zion and take all his pain away. I felt helpless and didn't know what to do for him. I tried to give Cody a hug and he wouldn't give me one back and it hurt because I knew Cody was not going to open up to me after fighting about this exact thing that I said would happen.
They did a cat scan on Zion to check for internal bleeding and the waiting was so hard. We just had to wait for results and were not sure how bad his condition was. Once they gave us the okay to go home we finally took the kids home and I couldn't sleep that night. I was watching them breathe as they slept. I was scared that something was going to happen.
Cody and I tried to talk that night but he was in shock from the accident and obviously PTSD because he was so gone mentally. He told me the story of the accident. He had gotten tired so he pulled over and took a nap with the car running. He woke up and started driving and fell asleep again and he lost control and went off a jump and the van rolled 4 or 5 times. He kicked out the window and people were right there to help him get the kids out. The people helping just happened to be two EMTs off duty and knew exactly what to do. They pulled some blankets and laid everyone down and the tried to send Zion via helicopter but Cody insisted they all stayed together. I thank god that these angels were there to help my family.
After the accident Cody was even more distant. During all of this difficult time and pain I knew that Cody was suffering but it was a deep pain for me and I didn't want to bring up all the other problems that was going on. I continued to pretend that everything was going to be okay and put on a fake face for everyone. I tried so hard to not let my kids see the pain in me and I didn't want all of this mess to affect the kids. So many decisions and pressure was on me and I just wanted everyone to be happy again.
Cody believed that he was keeping all of this secret from me. That is the thing that I wish most is that Cody didn't try so hard to keep it a secret. Addictions thrive in secrecy and I was trying to understand why he wouldn't tell me. I would be sobbing and begging him to tell me what was going on with him and no matter what I did he wouldn't talk to me. It felt like that he didn't love me anymore and didn't want to be around me. I still loved him but I didn't want to try so hard to make a marriage work if he was desperate to leave. I thought that a divorce would finally free Cody. But when I talked about it he wouldn't have that for our answer. I really didn't want to but I didn't know how to go on. We had started to go to a life coach and this was the only way I was able to get through my days. After this was probably the hardest time for our marriage.
Addictions are so hard, and they affect the people around you. I have had problems when I was young with drugs and alcohol, and I have had family members who have struggled with addiction but having your spouse as an addict and also with children. is totally different for me. It is the person who you need and want to hold you during such difficult pain, and they are the same person who is causing it. This experience gave me emotions I never thought was possible. And learned to only go through life one hour at a time.
If you are struggling with an addiction I beg you to stop living in secrecy and ask for help. It is the only way you can start your path to recovery. The affects of addiction can get extreme really fast and you don't need to wait until something bad happens before you decide to get better. It could be too late.
If you are willing to get help I found the best place to go is here. Go to a meeting place near you and they will have the best support and guidance for you in your recovery. There are many people who want to help and are waiting with open arms but you have to ask.
Everybody wants happiness, nobody wants pain, but you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain.
