I know that I have talked about mainly prescription drug/heroin addiction because that is what our family has struggled with. However, I know that there are so many of you out there with a spouse with a porn addiction and have no where to turn. I am not a professional by any means. I am just a mom and wife trying to figure out this hard topic of addiction.
I know that women can be addicted to porn too but I am going to mainly talk about men who have a pornography addiction. I think that porn is one of the most dangerous addictions when it comes to destroying families and I will tell you why.
Sex is Natural.
Many men justify this behavior because it is only "natural" to seek after these kinds of feelings and emotions. So it can be so confusing that looking at porn is very wrong. Satan is cunning and knows exactly what he is doing.
But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
Matthew 5:28
People who are religious know that lusting after another woman is sinful. But for anyone else it goes beyond that. It actually changes the chemicals in the brain just like a drug addict. It will also slowly but surely destroy your marriage and your relationships, and take you down a very lonely path.
There has been some confusion on whether looking at porn is really an addiction or just an obsession or habit. That they can just stop at anytime.
In my opinion I think that because of the chemical changes in the brain that occur that someone can't simply just stop looking at porn. (And it also doesn't even have to include masturbation.) It actually gives the brain a buzz. It doesn't always have to be for a sexual reason. Some people may use this as an outlet for depression, loneliness, or stress. If they are going to choose to stop they most likely will need some kind of therapy and treatment to find healthier ways to deal with stress or other triggers for the addiction.
Here is my other blog post about someone who can help you with your addiction treatment.
God gave sex to us for pleasure, and for procreation. It is a sacred and special thing that should be shared with your spouse. If it is used properly it can give so much joy to a couple and a spiritual connection. If it is not used in this way it is the complete opposite. It is very dark and causes much heart ache and can turn very grim.
So how do you know if you spouse is looking at porn?
Here are some tips that I came up with that might help you decide if you have this problem in your home. The hard part is that people who look at porn are very sneaky and know the best ways to avoid getting caught.
1- They seem pulled away or distant in the relationship. The shame they feel makes them become more secretive and they don't seem to be the person that they used to be. They aren't interested in spending time with their spouse or children. They have anger outburst or irritability.
2- They are spending more time away from home or from normal house hold activities. They have to be alone to do this kind of thing so they will be physically distant as well.
3- They will not be as interested in sex. I know it sounds like the opposite. Like they must be horny and want to have sex all the time. But they will start to not get as much pleasure from actual sex and will only get it from looking at porn. They also may have porn induced erectile dysfunction because they can't get stimulation in a natural way.
4- When they do have sex they may want to try positions that are not what you usually do. I know sometimes couples will try new things, but this is only if this is not normal routine in your relationship. Never let your spouse make you do anything that makes you uncomfortable or painful.
5- Their search history is empty. I know they think they are super smart by covering their tracks. But the fact that their phone search history is cleared, that is a big red flag. When you start confronting them or start getting warmer to finding out their dark secret they will become defensive and angry.
So if you look at the above things, you can also relate these things to a drug addict. Even though porn can be free and a drug addict will clean out your bank account pretty quick, the same feelings of betrayal are there with porn addiction. It is more difficult to place an porn addict because there is no "substance" to try to find. As a wife of a drug addict you will find yourself do crazy things like call and scream at your husband because you found his stash. And then when you licked it, you found out that it was breathe mints. True Story.
If you found out that your spouse is addicted to porn what do you do?
This is the question that I really wanted to answer for you. Because there is so much pain associated with this problem.
You will first feel anger at him, or shame for not knowing sooner.
You will feel the most powerful betrayal that it will make it hard to breathe.
You will feel rejected and feel like you are just not enough.
You will become self conscious of your body because you do not look like those fake people and fantasy world he is consumed in.
You will then become obsessed with checking his phone and computer to "catch" him in the act.
You will become jealous of any pretty woman that walks by because you will be wondering if your husband is looking at them.
It will spiral into a relationship that is empty and full of fear, resentment and rejection with both parties. You simply can not have a healthy marriage if there is addiction involved.
The only way for your relationship to change is to take it by the horns and confront the problem and
talk this out.
It is a very scary and difficult thing to do. To bring up such a sensitive subject will bring up emotions. You can do this alone or find a counselor who can help you talk to your husband. There will be walls put up and on the defense, but understand that this is the addiction itself and not your husband.
What you need to know is even though you are so hurt, that you need to try your best to treat him with love and understanding. He is not a pervert or a sick person. He just has developed an unhealthy way of coping with life and needs some help. He needs your support. Satan knows that because sex is a natural and beautiful thing he can twist the truth into thinking that porn is natural. Do not let him fool you. But also don't let him win! Don't let him destroy your family. Do everything you can do to mend your relationship. It can be done with Christ.
I know that most of the time we walk around touching the surface of our actions. We know that the things we are doing are wrong. We have some remorse and then do the same mistakes over again. In order for us to have true happiness we have to get deep to the root of the issue. You have to have a change of heart. You have to be willing to sacrifice to be in the presence of God. It doesn't have to mean sacrificing your time and money. It can also mean sacrificing your desires and making your family and personal health a priority over your worldly temptations.
Christ gave us the ultimate sacrifice and he has already paid for your sins.
I can not give you marriage advice. Or tell you if you should stay married to your husband if he has an addiction problem. I can tell you that you can not control your spouses decisions. Their decisions affect us tremendously and even though it is just not fair, we are responsible for our own lives. We need to pray and turn to Christ so much more often when you are dealing with addiction. It is too difficult to do on your own. You need His help with the comfort as well as the guidance on what to do in your situation. It is not easy but it is not hopeless!
What I want to tell the addict of porn is that while we still love the person that you are, we hate the behavior. You are hurting your wife. Your are damaging your relationships, as well as your own health. Your family loves you, and want to support you in getting you better. Don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help. Your wife may not trust you but she will understand. She will be by your side, but you have to accept her help.When she finds out she will be angry and may say some hurtful things. She may throw nearby objects, and dry wall may need patching, but do not give up on her! All she wants is to know that you still love her and need her in your life.
What I want to tell the wife of the porn addict is that this is NOT YOUR FAULT. You are enough. You are beautiful. There is nothing you could have done to prevent your spouse from becoming addicted. There is also nothing you can do to make him stop except for offering him professional treatment. It is not your responsibility to fix him. You need to focus on creating a warm healthy environment for yourself so that you can be there for your children and your addict.
Also I have found the LDS addiction recovery program to be very helpful. There is a great support group and all you have to do is find a meeting in your area.
Even if I don't know you please feel free to reach out to me. I am here for you because I want you to know that there is people out there that know how you feel.
I see you.
I will be here for you.
xo
photos by Meg Bird Photo
