Challenges of Mompreneur

Last time I talked a little about my personal life and reflecting on how I got to the place I am today. Writing things down has helped me get my thoughts together and maybe understand them myself. Things got so ugly so fast and I am still figuring out how I let my life get so out of control. I am still finding that path of what career I am going to take, but there has always been one thing for sure and that is I was going to be a mom. It has always been my calling.

I went to my first Tuesdays Together meeting and it is entrepeneurs coming together and giving each other advice and talk about our businesses. The topic that month was the "why" and how we started. And what makes us do the things we love about our business. My very first thought for all of my business ventures was for my kids.

During the times of having babies I was working on and off with massage therapy and I was glad that I was always able to fall back on that when we needed it. But I have a passion for knitting and crochet so I started making a thousand beanies and scarves and got the idea to sell them. I am not a business woman so it was a long and difficult process and I would put in many hours into this business with very little results. I decided I needed to add something to my business and started a clothing line "It's Ok Apparel." I had intentions for this brand to start a movement and I really wanted to make a difference with my clothes and be able to donate to charities.

We moved to Utah and I was for the first time in a while really happy. We had made money from selling our house, and we were going to be close to our family. I was excited to take the kids hiking and camping. I had bought tons of camping gear including a trailer. We were having so much fun as a family and Cody wasn't working because we both agreed he needed some time off. But when he started spending a lot of money and wasn't having any income I started to panic and got really serious about my clothing line. I depended on Cody to print the t shirts and so it was getting stressful and really affecting our relationship. When I would get an order and he wouldn't get it done I would have unhappy customers and then I wasn't able to sleep and was so stressed. I felt like I deserved his support when he was choosing not to work.

 I was cyber bullied when I made the decision to donate to a charity that I wanted to be a part of. I had done a few of them before with my shirts but I donated to parents who lost their child that got hit by a car and he was only 4 years old. I had followed this mom's blog and my heart ached for her so I made the decision to donate the profits of some shirts and posted a picture that I was smiling in on instagram. So many people were calling me bad names that I still can't really understand. I guess because my picture reflected that I was happy about this unfortunate situation and looking for a way to benefit my business. They also said that "It's Ok" is the worst thing you can say to someone who is grieving. Which really hurt me because that is the direction I was going with in my business. I then believed some of the things they were saying and I had a lot of negative thoughts about myself. I began to wonder about my intentions and if I was a good person or if I was just donating to get praise or fame from it.  It was such a horrible experience. I even got lots of new followers that were just trying to follow the drama of it and I had to stop posting for a while.  It was stomach wrenching pain and is hard to look back on. I think of this quote.

"Some people hate you only because of how other people love you."

 I tried to talk to Cody about how hurtful this was and he was not any help in this area of my life during this difficult time. I was starting to feel us drifting apart and it scared me.

I had to make a really important decision for our family and I had prayed about the business and what part of me I should be putting into it. I remember the very night that I chose to quit the business and it was such a relieving feeling. I felt the weight off my shoulders and I had to trust that God was going to take care of me. I was financially stressed and I was nervous about letting go of our only little income.
 It was a depressing time for me because all my spare time and money had been put into this business.  And I really loved doing it. I got to use my art skills for designing the shirts and I loved going to the mountains with my kids to take pictures and enjoy time together. It was a really hard thing for me to let go. but I knew that my relationship with Cody and being a less stressed mom to my kids was much more important. I still sometimes wonder if I would have kept doing it where I would have been or what would have happened. but it was then I realized how bad Cody and I's marriage had gotten and I felt so far away from him and I really needed him back.



"Loneliness doesn't come from having no one around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that are important to you. "
-Carl Jung


So then I decided to throw myself back into my knitting because I could do this mostly on my own without needing his help and hoping to relieve some pressure off of him. I re-branded myself and named it Cold Pine Knits.  There was pressure to make money and I felt like I was starting to lose myself with who I was as a designer. I was also afraid to put myself out there again in fear of failure. It is hard to put yourself out there and really show who you are and hope that people will accept it. I couldn't afford to pay for models/photographers so I was awkwardly posting selfies of myself and trying to not reflect how horrible my circumstances were turning. I was trying hard to keep my family together as much as I knew how and I was able to come in contact with amazing people who were very supportive and wanted to help my brand. These people are always in my prayers and I still thank them to this day. From photography, website design, with setting up for markets, and buying my products. I started feeling a little hope that I could maybe make it. All winter long I was doing lots of handmade markets and made enough money for Christmas and helping with keeping the water, lights, gas, and some groceries. I was humbled that I was able to find a talent that I could utilize so I was able to make it through this hard time. I believed that it was going to be a short season of financial struggles so it kept me going that I only had to hold on a little longer. but it turned out to be much longer than anticipated and progressively getting worse all the time.
During all of this I was trying so hard to get Cody back into my life. He was always gone and he was lying about where he went. When he did come home we were just fighting. He also started to not sleep in our bed anymore and I really needed him. I was sleeping alone for a while and things slowly spiraled from there. We started going to a life coach that was really helping me get through some hard times.
All of the events soon took a turn and it made me see the strength in myself and found a new way to be creative in making money. I looked around my life and trying to see things for what they were and I had started to sell off my furniture,clothing, toys, decorations, etc. because I needed money desperately. I was also too prideful to ask for help from anyone around me and no one knew for a long time about my situation. And it was entirely my fault that I made myself be so alone.  I saw how I was blessed to have so many things and I really didn't need any of them. I just needed my family and nothing else mattered.
I have always had a passion for weddings and saw my antiques as being able to rent them and still keep some of my favorite collections and not sell them off. I had hit bottom I am grateful for it because it inspired me to find myself and who I want to be. I am crossing my fingers that it will work out for me this time. and that is how Havenwood Wedding Rental & Design was born.

www.facebook.com/havenwoodweddingrentals

Be Careful about what you think, your thoughts run your life.
proverbs 4:23

photos by Courtney Campbell Photography

dark cloud

There has been a very dark cloud over my head for a really long time. I am finally seeing a glimmer of light and trying to sort things out. As I have been doing some recent soul searching and figuring out how to heal the wounds, all I am getting is God telling me to write. I do not know what he wants me to write or how much he wants me to share, but I am just going to start doing it. I am going to share some personal things in hopes that I may be able to relate to someone, or help someone understand that everything can be healed with our heavenly father if we seek it. But I don't think I am ready for getting all the criticism you get from posting things on social media.  so bear with me as I write some things that are hard for me to write about.


Ether 12

 25 Thou hast also made our words powerful and great, even that we cannot write them; wherefore, when we write we behold our weakness, and stumble because of the placing of our words; and I fear lest the Gentiles shall mock at our words.

 26 And when I had said this, the Lord spake unto me, saying: Fools mock, but they shall mourn; and my grace is sufficient for the meek, that they shall take no advantage of your weakness;

 27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.
So where do I even begin telling my story? I think I should start with childhood I suppose.  My parents have done their very best with what they had. They have gone through some tough times and they always come out the other end. I was one of those challenges that they had to trust God through because I was an awful kid. I rebelled for the sake of rebelling.
I would run away and make my parents worry sick about me all night long. My poor dad went through so much anxiety every night I would leave, wondering if I would be home on time. He would knock on everyone's door that I knew looking for me. I know that my dad would never give up trying to find me. I hated it at the time because I didn't want to be found, But how lucky am I to have parents that care so much about me? There is nothing that I could do that would make my mom not be there for me, or fight for me.

 I have never wanted to admit the depression that I went through in my younger years because I see it as a weakness. Even now as an adult I don't like saying that I am depressed, and refuse to believe it or I fake my way through it. Recently someone told me, "Katie, you are always smiling but you are so sad in your eyes. I can see it and you can't fool me with it. Start owning your feelings and say I'm not okay." I have never had someone be so honest with me before and at first I was pretty shocked. And I just started bawling. She said ,"You need to take care of yourself or you are going to fall apart." And I went home and was determined to take care of myself but the problem is, I don't even know what that means. And then I was bummed again. I can't take care of myself because I don't have a clue as how to do that. and I guess that is my current journey in finding that healing I need and blogging might be the first step in getting there. And as I continue to find those things I will blog about it, in hopes that I can help others take care of themselves in the most healthy way.

 I started turning to drugs and alcohol when I was 11 years old. I remember the first time I took a drink and I really enjoyed it. I wanted to numb the pains I had and I started taking any mind altering substance I could  because I just wanted to feel nothing.
Junior high is hard for a lot of kids. I know most of you remember the awkward moments where you are trying to find your friends and figure out who you were. I was so self conscious about myself that I couldn't even socialize without having some kind of drug. I felt more confident and it made me forget the pain for a moment.  I think that was probably one of the loneliest times of my life because I felt like I had so much to hide. I wanted attention so bad, but yet I didn't want anyone to look at me at the same time. I really didn't know what I wanted and I was getting it from all the wrong places. I had way too many stupid boyfriends or bad friends that were just not who I needed in my life.  It is a time in my life that I really don't want to go back to but I think that the things I have been going through now, I realized that some of the hard things I went though then has prepared me for some of the darkest things to come.

When I reached a point in my life that I really wanted to give up Cody all of a sudden came into my life at the most important time. I know that it was fate and everything fell into place. He was my sun and I really didn't need anything but him.
We fell so hard in love.
I just knew he loved the real me and I felt like I didn't have to hide anymore. I knew everything would be fine now that he was with me, and I felt safe. We were in this together and there wasn't anything that would keep us apart. While I was finishing the last few months of high school it was difficult because all I could think about was Cody. I would drive down to Vegas and he would drive up to me even if it was for a few hours. About a week after graduation I moved down to live with him and he was a total bum and unemployed but I just wanted to be with him. I saw the potential in him and talent he has.
In the beginning years it was a rocky road.  We were very different and believed in and wanted different things. It took us a while to realize that all of those little things didn't matter because we were so in love, and we got married after living together for three years. It was the time right after high school that you had to figure out what political party you were a part of, and what college to go to, and what jobs we had to find to pay the rent. We were teaching each other about everything we had figured out so far. It was difficult but I am glad that we had each other to figure all that stuff out. It was after we had Zion that we realized we weren't young kids anymore and we really had to figure out life,because we had to teach little people about the world. It was when I realized I needed to find God again and needed guidance through this life. Cody got baptized and we got sealed together right after having sage. It was a beautiful day that I will never forget. 

Cody has always been a good provider and supporter of me through my adventures. He supported me while I went to massage therapy school. He allowed me to stay home with my kids because that was something important to me. He always listened to my outrageous business ventures even though they were totally lame sometimes. I still want to invent a self filling thermos though.
 He always wanted to work but his job required times of not having work and getting laid off for half the year. When Zion was born he was unemployed.when Sage was born he was unemployed. When Rae was born he was unemployed, and yes even when Betty was born he was unemployed. And I can complain and say how hard it was and the times we really didn't know how our financial situation would work out.  I would have to go back to work pregnant, or find ways to get cash to stay at home with the kids but all of it has shown us how much strength we have and I am sincerely grateful for those challenges we had to go through.

I don't think I am ready to share some of the recent personal experiences that I have gone through just yet, or at least not all the details. I will slowly revisit some of the wounds over the past couple of years with you, and also the spiritual growth that I have had to face. but I can say that I have learned even more, I have seen my strength even more, I am grateful even more and I have loved Cody harder than ever before.
When you see someone going through something hard the very best thing for you to do is be there for them. Instead of advice tell them you will be by their side with whatever they chose to do. And that they are doing a great job given what their circumstances are. When you are in a deep despair you will believe all the negative things that satan is telling you. And it is needed for someone to say that you are a strong person and you can do this. All of this I have learned because I went thought this. You don't need to go through the same things as someone to understand that there are going to be hard times. And the same rules apply to anyone going through a hardship and that is showing unconditional love.
One day at a time, sometimes even one hour at a time. If everything is falling apart, then find one thing that is right and hang on to it. Try to let go of whatever is bringing you down, and completely give your trust in God and believe he will take care of it. We don't need to ask our Heavenly Father to correct the situation but simply asking him to ease the pain a little and sit with you for a moment can just be enough to get you through your hour.

  I need thee every hour; stay thou nearby;
temptations lose their power when thou art nigh.

 I need thee, O I need thee;
every hour I need thee;
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to thee.

I am going to try and blog about once a week and share what I feel like I need to, but not sure if I can do it. Currently rae just spilled chocolate milk and sage and zion are fighting. So to start with I will post when I can. And this post took me like three days.

I am very into quotes and I think they are great for you to read to help you get through tough times. and I will end my post with this one.

“Go back?” he thought. “No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!”
          -bilbo baggins