How you can help someone in need

I know that I have promised a blog post from Cody, which we will still do. But we have been extra crazy busy this month and I also needed to take a break from blogging. I have been dealing with vertigo for a couple years and it is just hard to get things done when I have the sickness.

I also want to first thank all the people who were involved in our auction for Cody's treatment. We were both so overwhelmed by people's generosity. There were some who donated large amounts of money that totally blew me away. And we had so many friends who were willing to donate and support us. It is a great experience to be able to receive help from people and so humbling. 

Which leads me to the post I want to talk about today and it is how to help the needy. It has also been on my mind since all of the natural disasters and I know it has affected everyone with inspiration of trying to be more of service to people. We shouldn't wait until there is a large disaster like that. We should ask ourselves how we can be helpful to those around us. 

When I think of being of service my mind automatically think of the homeless shelters, natural disasters, and helping people move. Maybe helping people move is a Mormon thing. 

But we have visiting and home teachers for the reason that we may be able to help someone on a very personal level. To be helpful in many ways from being a listening ear, a person you can ask if you can borrow some sugar, or someone who can help you will a real life crisis and get you through it. 

I know in previous posts I have talked about my visiting teachers and how awesome they were. I was too scared to ask for help and even though they didn't know my situation they served anyway. 

The past couple of years we went from being totally independent to completely needy. And it was a very hard transition. Especially for me because I felt like it was totally out of my control. And always being an independent person it took a lot for me to ask for help. When I did there was so much weight off my shoulders. I could finally breathe and not hold it all in.  The people around you that you believed would judge you or wouldn't understand, are the ones that are first to your aid. And it turns out to be a bonding experience with people when you allow people to share burdens with you. 

So as I went through this experience I want to share with you my thoughts on what I found being helpful and what I felt was more problem for me than help. Now things can always get twisted, and I want to be clear that I was so grateful for ALL the help we got. 

But there was things that I found was enabling Cody's addiction, and I also felt some things were discouraging on my end trying to be an mom of four kids and attempting at staying afloat. 

number 1

Give fresh food that can make meals 

Do not give someone needy your old groceries or cans of food. This was true for me, and I have also seen it be true for natural disasters. Sometimes it takes more stress and time to try to make a meal out of some random groceries. Or when we get random cans of different foods that we can't really make a meal out of, it is very disappointing. We have gotten moldy strawberries, or cheese that tastes kind of questionable, and when you are stressed about feeding your family this is seriously the worst. Just because someone can not help themselves it does not mean that they deserve your old food. 

 Also being LDS, we see often the relief society bring meals for after you have a baby. This is the best when we are able to receive so much love and support from our sisters. Most people are very considerate and helpful, and other times we have received things that my kids would never touch, or just not nearly enough food. When I am bringing a meal to someone I want to first make sure there are no diet restrictions, allergies, or things that they hate eating. It is not helpful if you bring something the kids are not familiar with and be too difficult for them to make a change in diet when they are already having a big change with a baby. 

When it comes to canned food drives for homeless people or during the holidays, It is actually causing more problems with finding help sorting and organizing all the cans, and they have to be distributed out evenly so not one family gets 10 cans of green beans. It is hard to donate to charities because we have seen so many corruption and people who abuse peoples charity in stealing peoples money. but donating money to a charity that is able to buy fresh food that will be organized in giving to families it is more helpful than canned goods.  

See this here to explain more about canned food drives. 

The best thing you can do is find a reputable source that will make sure the money gets the right products for the right people. One charitable organization that I trust is my church's organization. 

Latter day saint Charities 

If you read through these charities and understand how the church is organized, you will also see that the LDS family services is there for members to get help with addiction treatment, and family counseling. I want more people to be aware of this because we shouldn't have suffered as long as we did. And even though there are many options for addiction help we should feel love and support when you are so vulnerable and needy when you have an addict in your family. 

number 2

Do not use needy people as your dumping ground with your old clothing, toys, or unwanted items.  

I am so grateful for my ability to thrift. Meaning find good stuff at thrift stores because clothing four kids is no joke. And they are growing every 3 months. When people found out that we were financially struggling they wanted to help and so they went through their old things and gave it to us. The people close to us knew us and our kids sizes etc so it was always so helpful to have donated clothing. 

Other times when someone donated us toys, clothing etc they did not have our needs in mind it was more of a box of things going to a donation and gave it to us instead. This causes more stress on the needy person because if they can not use any of your clothing, like not the right season or size, then we are the ones who have to get rid of the items for you. 

I also recently saw on the news somewhere about now people who were trying to donate to the natural disasters recently were donating things that we simply not helpful. Like winter coats to Florida, or old books. When you are thinking about people who are needy you must thing of what THEIR needs are. Not what you are able to get rid of. That is the thing I want to emphasis the most. It is not up to you to decide what is helpful to them. You ask, you hear, and you decide what in those areas you can help with. If you can't then you can ask someone else who would be able to help in the area of need. And do not tell someone that they don't need something. If someone needs help in a way that you don't agree with, it does not mean you can tell that person that they don't deserve that help. 

Number 3- Do not enable someone to not help themselves

This is a hard one for addiction. Behind every addict is an enabler. In most cases, addicts can find multiple enablers to get what they want. And it is very tricky to understand because enablers believe they are being helpful and it is hard for them to see the help as problematic. And this also goes hand in hand in codependency. 

When you get into a codependency relationship the enabler becomes over worked, and the addict becomes under worked. It is total unbalance and you can't have a healthy relationship. When you enable you feel like when the needy person is in distress you feel like it is your responsibility. And you do things you normally wouldn't do to help their situation. One reason why stopping enabling isn't easy is because the addict will get very upset. And they can blame you for their problems. 

If you find yourself in having this type of relationship with your spouse, sibling, child, or whoever it may be, you have to stop immediately. 

How you do that is put up your boundaries. There are lots of books and ways of understanding codependency and how to establish boundaries. And I would do that TODAY if you have this kind of situation. It will slowly crush you. But you first have to admit that your complete sacrifice and service is not really helpful at all. 

You could be one helping act away from putting them into their grave. Sometimes they have to lose their job, lose their family, or live on the streets.  When you love someone you don't want to see that happen. But you have to allow them to see their consequences. Becoming a person who doesn't enable takes a lot of faith and courage. You have to trust God that he will be the caretaker for that person in their time of crisis. And it is also important that we take care of ourselves and not become victims of the addicts behavior. 

When specifically talking about enabling an addict here are some examples. 

Do not give them money 

Addicts ask for money quite often. Usually it is a very reasonable request. Like gas money for a job interview, or money for food to meet a boss or lunch. It will always be a reasonable request but if you know that this person struggles with addiction you should NEVER give them cash. Sometimes you justify that just this one time they are probably telling the truth.  If you give them money you won't see it again, and you could potentially be helping them kill themselves. It is very important you do not give an addict money. 

Do not clean up their mess 

When they puke all over your porch, or come to your house drunk/high and need a warm bed, you are essentially enabling that person by not giving them consequences of their actions. They need physical evidence of what their addiction has led them and if it is being in the street throwing up all over the place ( I know this is gross ) or go to jail, they need to experience this. It feels like helping when you love the person and don't want them to suffer those consequences. But until they hit their bottom they will not get themselves back up. They will just continue to abuse you and take everything you've got. 

The definition of enabling is : taking away the natural consequence of someone else's behavior. 

Do not do things for them that they could normally do themselves 

This is classic enabling is doing acts for people so that they can not do it themselves. Moms are notorious for doing their children's laundry, finding them jobs, registering their cars, calling for doctors appointments, etc and we all know the intentions are from pure love of a mother. However, it is making that person not be able to learn life lessons on their own. It is the old saying "If you give a man a fish he will eat for a day, if you teach a man to fish he will eat for a lifetime." We need to be helping each other learn how to be independent.  Sometimes we do need help from family, and you must learn the difference between helping and enabling. 

I am going to admit that I was enabling Cody. It was a freeing experience to understand that I was. So when I was giving all my energy to Cody's addiction I had not room left for myself and the kids. I was finding myself needing help because I wasn't using boundaries.  This is the domino affect of addiction. 

Your addiction affects your whole entire family!!!!!

So I hope that some of these thoughts will be helpful for the next time you want to be service to someone. It takes true charity to understand someone else's needs. You have to crawl down into their hole and really see and understand what that person's needs are. 

thanks for reading!

Love you all. 

xoxo 

LOVE BUG probiotics

People who know me personally know that I am a health nut. It is not always easy because of the way our culture has made it into a hovering parent or simply unnecessary to be so involved in our kids health.
The most important thing I want my kids to understand about their health is that it is THEIR body. Meaning it's their job to take care of it. I want to teach them tools and understanding of what is healthy and what is not. It is their responsibility to make good choices for their health so that they will be able to develop and grow. As well as learn healthy eating habits and health awareness when they are older.
I can't even express how important it is to take care of your body. I have first hand experienced being very healthy with lots of energy, and putting everything else first before my health and slowly watched myself fall apart.

For adults and children, the most important health choices is about our gut health. If we have an unhealthy gut, our bodies are not able to heal, give us proper energy, or makes us have a low immune system. What we need for good gut health is probiotics.

They are something you can take on a daily basis and can help your body find balance. I found this product. Love Bug Probiotics. My favorite part of their brand is that they have different types with herbs that fit your needs. Because I am a nursing mom still, I check labels and question if I should take it nursing. They have one for pregnant/lactating moms called labor of love.
and also other women's health formulas.

I have been taking it every morning for about a month and the first thing I noticed was I became more regular with my digestion. I had less stomach and gas pains. I had more energy because my body was not using the energy to digest food.

They also have a formula for colds and my husband has been grateful that we had them handy when we had a plaque hit out house.

What is even better about Love Bug is they have some for kids that are special for the kids age!
it is seriously brilliant because the older kids have tiny little pills that they can swallow. I tried to give some to Sage but she acted like she was gagging every time and I was torturing her to take a pill.

So she started liking the baby and toddler kind that is a powder that you put in water. You can put it into a bottle or sippy and it tastes like water! I am so happy that they didn't try to flavor it and it is flavorless because they don't even know that I put it in there.

I have seen an improvement with all the kids taking these every morning before school and I am very happy with them. I will definitely be a solid customer of this brand.

Smile Brillant -Teeth whitening part 1

I am a coffee drinker.

I am sorry but I live for an iced chai tea when I am a mom on the go and need my energy. My husband bought me a french press for Christmas and I started getting out of control with the coffee. I think it is part of the reason I wasn't coping well and started getting vertigo. Coffee is just not good for you. I have gone off and on it since I was 16 and worked at Callie's Cafe. I started drinking it since it was free and I was a tired high school student trying to work and do school at the same time.
My whole life I have always been in a hurry to do everything.

I also believe that is part of the problem with caffeine addiction and any other addiction really, is that we are pushing ourselves to do more than we should. I think that instead of accepting I can't do it all I will push even harder. But you guys, Caffeine withdrawals are no joke! I thought that they would only last a week or so with the headaches and the tiredness, but you could be fine for a couple days and then your body reminds you again that you are low on caffeine, and you must have it now or you won't get through your day.
Since I have been getting sicker I have more motivation to quit drinking it and I have not been drinking it on a daily basis. I have had a couple chai lattes here and there but I am doing much better and starting to feel like I can beat it.

Well after I finally realized what the affects of coffee are I have noticed my teeth are not as sparkling as they once was and wasn't ready to accept the damage I have done.
But then Smile Brilliant wanted to send their teeth whitening kit. Hallelujah!
I can erase the damage I have done and start fresh.

I haven't bleached my teeth since I was in high school. I have also been really scared of using any of the crap at the grocery store. And I always use the whitening toothpaste and it's totally a scam. I have never seen any improvement. But, I was nervous about opening up the box and it would be super complicated to use.

The instructions are very clear on how to use it, and it is really a simple process.
First you have to make the molds for your teeth whitening trays. They are custom to your teeth so you know that it will cover all over your teeth.
You mix the blue and white mixtures together and stick it in the teeth tray, then stick it in your mouth and hold 30 seconds (I forgot to hold that long.) and then pull it out.
Luckily mine both worked on the first time, but there is another set in case you made a mistake. And of course while trying to make my molds the kids think it is play-doh and just want to touch it.  Watch the video of Raelyn sticking her sweet little finger in it.

Then you mail them in to the company with the envelope they provide for you, and wait or your trays! It was a very easy process. I am still waiting for my trays to come back and then I will start the whitening process.

In the video I am talking to my friend Taylor. As she was filming me I was actually telling her about how I started using CBD oil and I love it. (more on that one maybe in a later post)

If you want to see more of her work of photo and film.

www.tsphotoandfilm.com 

I will also be writing a part 2 with the teeth whitening, of me using the gel and then also the before and after photos. You will be able to get a discount for the whitening kit.

If you want to get started on your own kit you can save 10% by clicking on the link below and get your tray creation kit. The coupon code expires 8/31!


www.smilebrilliant.com/g/itsoktowander

Love is the Drug - Auction for helping with addiction treatment

Hey guys!

We are doing okay. We are making it through the days with what we have to deal with but we are humbling asking for our friends and family's help. 

When I signed Cody up for the treatment center back in March I knew that it was the right decision for our family at the time. When we signed up for it we knew that it was going to be a big expense, but I was ready to pay any amount of money to help my husband beat his addiction. I was very afraid everyday that he could die any day from an overdose.

I had an overwhelming feeling to not worry about the money, that something would work itself out. Within the first two weeks of treatment Cody was doing so much better, and we both felt a little hope for him. 

Before I took Cody to treatment I asked our Bishop for help. I asked if he could help us with couple's counseling, as well as individual counseling for both of us. We currently don't have insurance so we thought this might be a good option for save our marriage. 

He gave us the phone number to a counselor and I made us an appointment. When we showed up there was some mix up of the scheduling. Cody had taken off work to come to the meeting, and I had to get a babysitter, and I made us both stand there like idiots on the wrong day of the appointment. I was so ready to have some help that I went home pretty devastated. 

When we went back on the right day we talked to the counselor and from the first minute I did not have a good feeling. My gut was telling me to run as fast as I could out of that building. I did not feel sincere help. So we did not go back. 

Then when I decided that I wanted to check Cody into treatment I went to my bishop and asked him to help us pay for some of the cost of the treatment.  The Bishop was not happy that we did not go to the counselor he chose for us, and was even more unhappy that I made a decision to put him into treatment without talking to him first. Well, when I checked Cody in he was in pretty bad withdrawals and there wasn't much room for anything but getting him immediate help. We couldn't be in state funded waiting lists, or waiting for the Bishops approval. 

I felt as though the Bishop was not sympathetic or understanding of the situation. He was being very hard on Cody and his exact words were, "I don't think you are worth the church member's money." 

I turned into mama bear and I defended Cody in saying that he was worth it to me, and he is also worth it to my family so we would find help somewhere else. 

He told me to calm down because he loved me and was happy with my church attendance and efforts, but not Cody's. I told him that if he wasn't willing to help Cody then he wasn't helping my family, because Cody IS my family. He had set his terms on how he was going to help us and then we walked out leaving with the impression he was going to support us in this treatment. 

Well, about three months went by without the bishop's payments and the bill was starting to get higher. We have to pay for the medications out of pocket and it has made our budget even tighter. 

We were getting nervous about how to pay for it since we are struggling to make ends meet as it is without all the added expenses of the treatment. 

Cody talked to them about doing trade work for the treatment center since he is a carpenter and handy man. He has been hanging dry wall and doing small repairs in trade for the expenses. So I thought that was going to be our saving grace, that we would be able to work off the money and we wouldn't pay out of pocket anymore. 

Cody's schedule during the week is this

Monday - work 6:00-2:30- work at treatment center 3:00-5:00 treatment class 5:30-8:30

Tuesday- work 6:00-2:30- works at treatment center 3:00-5:00 treatment class 5:30-8:30

Wednesday- work 6:00-2:30- works at treatment center 3:00-5:00 treatment class 5:30-8:30

Thursday - work 6:00-2:30- works on treatment center 3:00-7:00 comes him for me to go to meetings or work for my new business and watches the kids 

Friday- works on treatment center 3:00-7:00 comes him for me to go to meetings or work for my new business and watches the kids 

Saturday- works on construction side jobs 9:00-6:00 

Sundays- Church and helping me with the crazy kids

If you have followed all of that, Cody and I see each other at nights, and sundays. which also means that I have the kids most of the time, and can be hard for me since I have made the decision to start my design business. I have been willing to balance it all because it was all for a good cause and because Cody is getting better. But after many months it has started to get stressful. The kids are also really missing their daddy. Even though Cody is working every spare minute at the treatment center, we haven't even dented 5% of the cost and it increases every month. We are both running on a treadmill that stays in one place and running out of energy. It would be worth it if we were getting somewhere but it is just getting more discouraging. 

We went back to the bishop a second time and asked him if he was still going to help us, and he totally forgot that we even came to see him about it. He agreed to give us some money but it would be only a one time payment and also was only going to be a very small portion. We graciously accepted because we were happy to get any help we can get, and then he has never made a payment. 

I am not going to say that this is what happens all the time with LDS bishops. I know there are other bishops who are understanding and helpful. We unfortunately have not had a pleasant experience asking for help and has made us both very scared to ask anyone. We have not asked money from family because of fear of judgement and all the questions they will ask. 

Understandably I think people will be afraid of paying for a person who they aren't sure that are really interested in getting better. Or enabling an addict to not take responsibility for their behaviors. 

I was crying to my sister about how frustrating all of this is and how I was so unsure of what we were going to do. I am afraid that the treatment center will not let him keep coming when he still needs treatment and he will relapse. And then we will still be owing all that money. 

She offered to help me host an online instagram auction to help us cover some of the cost of the treatment.

 At first I was hesitant because 

1- there are so many auctions these days for everything. 

2- it is straight up embarrassing 

Of the few people  I have told about the auction I have got responses from family about how embarrassing it will be, and they won't help us financially if we agree to this. So As I write this post, I am going to tell you that this is something not easy for Cody and I to do. 

We also agree that when we get our treatment costs covered, we want to continue to do the auction to help organize money to help other addicts get the funds to go to a reliable treatment center. This is such a problem in the US and Utah and we want to share out story to help others. I would love to help other grieving spouses and family members of addicts because it is such a long and scary road. We can't predict anything in the future and we just want to help our loved ones. 

I would love to help carry the load and burdens of other struggling families.

 I think that the Go Fund Me and auctions are a great resource to help people raise money. 

Unfortunately there are too many people that use it for the wrong reason and makes people not want to donate money anymore due to so much fraudulence. I even stopped donating to anything unless I knew that person personally. 

My sister Annie and I will be hosting the auction. Annie will be handling all of the money and also be paying the treatment center and posting the receipts publicly so there will never be any question as to if this money will be going to the right place. 

I have donated my knits goods to many auctions throughout the years. And every time I have I felt good about my small part in helping people. When everyone helps a little bit it can make a huge impact. I will also be donating knit beanies in my own auction but I won't do just one. I will make chunky beanies that are easy for me to make, but if people will purchase them I will be able to make money for the treatment center and will post all the payments going to the treatment center. 

So we are humbly asking for donations of any kind to host our auction. We don't have a date set yet but more information will soon come. It can be anything to Vintage items, handmade items, boutique clothing stores, services, photography, baking, hair stylist, gift cards etc. 

If you have something to donate or have any questions about what we are doing here or how you can help you can email 

loveisthedrug08@gmail.com

or send a DM on instagram 

Love is the Drug Auction

xoxo 

Are you going crazy because of your spouse's addiction?

My last post was about Cody's negative actions when it comes to his addiction. I don't want to put emphasis on Cody's weaknesses and wrong doings, but it is very difficult to face the realities without facing the dark parts as well.

It is his 30th birthday next week and I want to celebrate Cody and all his efforts he has done in the past few months. You would think that I would be less stressed and feel hopeful now that he is in a treatment center, but I have found it the complete opposite.

I have started to see my mental and physical health go way down and I started letting it get out of control. I have been acting pretty childish. When he does something I don't like I will pout and let myself do things I normally wouldn't do because I "deserve" it. I will eat junk food, not get chores done, or live off granola bar, jerky, and caffeine to get through the day.
And I kept justifying my bad behavior on my circumstances and that it isn't my fault. Cody calls me a ticking time bomb, because the slightest movement will set me off. I am jumpy and run off very little sleep. When I do fall asleep my body wakes me up in a panic like a loud noise woke me up. I am very irritable and I snap if someone is chewing too loudly. I usually get pretty severe PPD after having a baby but after the year mark, this is something much different.
And I am not going to make excuses for myself anymore. The negative talk and the excuses only lead to guess what? Shame, guilt, depression.

I have wallowed in self pity because nothing is enough. I blame others for my unhappiness. I have to make up for his absence and I get very overwhelmed. The people that I have kept close to me have always been super supportive and listened to me. Some of them are usually praising me on how strong I am. At first it was nice to feel acknowledged for the strength I have been forced to have. But I just keep telling people that I am not special. I haven't graciously accepted my trial. I have been angry and selfish. I have been letting my past hurts come out and affect my life in an negative way. I have acted out negatively towards Cody. When he was at his worst his actions were strictly addictive related and trying to get away with his actions. Cody has never verbally or physically abuse me and he never would. He treats me like a queen and I have not given him that same respect. So I will admit that I am not the perfect wife, or mother, and have made some really bad mistakes.
Cody hasn't given up on me.

 I have my own personal beliefs on anxiety/depression disorders. Since there isn't any evidence on mental health with its genetic factors, they call it a pre-disposed condition. Well, I believe it comes from mainly the experiences and circumstantial factors we go through. Although we can all get anxious, nervous, stressed at times in our life, it is when we let it get to the point of debilitating our lives is when it becomes a real problem. Because I am also religious, I believe that there can also be spiritual factors as well as mental and physical factors that can affect our health. Just like our physical bodies can heal, our spiritual and mental health can heal but it takes more effort to get to the root, because we can't physically see where the wound is.

The reason that we look to biblical trials, ancestors, and ancient medicine is because people would stop using treatments that didn't work, and continue to use the ones that are helpful and found healing. I would trust thousands of years of trials and errors, than the opinion of someone who doesn't know your situation. If you ever feel like no one can understand you, turn to Christ, because he is the one who does. We know that in the scriptures people found hope in their depressive times through Christ.

6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 

7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

1 Peter 5:6-7

I have been dealing with dizziness and vertigo off and on for the past year. It will happen every couple of months, and mainly when I am at my highest stress level. I have tried to direct it to any other reason on google. Ear infection, BPPV, dehydration, vitamin deficiency, and convinced myself I have a brain tumor.
When it comes to my mental health I have been too afraid to open the wounds and will avoid it if at all possible. In my last post I talked about how I have developed a type of post traumatic stress disorder. When certain things happen that feels like I will experience the same pains and emotions I have gone through when it comes to the addiction, I will respond into a fight or flight response that feels uncontrollable. Poor Cody has not known how to handle my outbursts. I have also tried my best to understand what is wrong, and even though I've tried to change my attitude it just seems to get worse. Even though he is in treatment for his addiction and continues to improve every day, I am constantly afraid. Fear of the future. Fear of what has not happened. I wrongfully believed that if I changed Cody's situation, that if he got better then everything would be better. I also wrongfully believed that if he was gone, then the pain wouldn't linger. Nothing outside of going to the root cause of the pain and healing it will make it go away. Sometimes I scared myself into thinking that nothing would make the pain go away. When I would get into my full blown panic mode it would feel like someone was sitting on my chest and made it hard to breathe. And I would panic that I couldn't make it stop.

 Don't do that. Have hope that things can change.

When I get vertigo I can't even stand up, and if I try to keep going then it makes me nauseous and I get hot/cold flashes. And because I can't stand up I will just lay like a sack of potatoes and don't drink water, and don't eat and then it makes it 100 times worse. It feels like the room is spinning and even lying down doesn't help. I want to cut open my head and take out whatever is making me spin.
Because I haven't been feeling well it makes my stress and anxiety even worse because I can't get the things done that I need to and then I take out all my stress out on Cody.

 Cody has been a very strong person. He has been going to the clinic three nights a week, working at the clinic to pay off the fees, and then doing side jobs when he can. Then he comes home and helps get the kids to bed, and tries to spend time with me because I get needy and want him to comfort me. And I am also in the start up phase of my business that is very exhausting, and I feel like I have eyes rolling at me all the time because it doesn't seem necessary right now with the position we are in. He is always willing to do whatever I need to and has been supportive.

I could not do any of it without him. I don't tell him that enough. Sometimes I pout and tell him that I don't need him and I can do it myself. My dad would call it, "cutting off my nose in spite of my face." Its a gross analogy but my dad tells me that I do that a lot.

There has been times in our marriage where I contemplated divorce and if I did people wouldn't blame me for it. But I didn't because Cody has never given up on me. Sometimes thinking about divorce sounds great, I would be able to have the credit and money to buy my own house and fix it up with recycled hand painted tile, wide open windows, hexagon shaped dining nook,  and afford boutique candles. My house is much cleaner without him around. But thinking about life without Cody is unbearable. That dude loves me with every cell. Even in his worst times, his lying would be to cover up his bad actions, but he would never verbally or physically abuse me. Cody would do anything for me.

To make this clear to any other spouse with an addict, it is impossible to have a healthy relationship while they are still addicted. You can not have a relationship with two selfish people who won't see the others needs. I am trying my best to find advice and read up on things to save a marriage after addiction just like you probably are. That is why I am writing these blog posts. I am not an expert on marriage. I am just going through this and want to give hope to people that I believe it's possible to save a marriage after addiction. But, I also think it is nearly impossible if you don't add Christ in the picture to heal the wounds and see each other the way God sees us.


 “That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.”
president Thomas S Monson 



If you are in my same position, with a addictive-alcoholic spouse, and you feel like you might be going crazy. I am going to give you the answer. YOU ARE.
If you try to control or save them, you are drowning yourself. In your efforts to support your addict you have to first take care of yourself. I have heard many different sides and opinions when it comes to addiction.  I personally believe addiction is another sort of mental illness waiting to be healed by Christ if we allow it. It is also a spiritual disconnect with giving away our free agency. Also allowing yourself to mentally and physically lose control you are also letting go of your freedom.
 Don't do this. It only leads to unnecessary suffering. How do you love them without losing yourself?
boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. My boundaries were, he was not able to use in the house, he was not to lie to me, he was not to be left with the kids while under the influence, but none of these boundaries were able to help myself. Because we are in a different position my boundaries have changed, and I am going to use those boundaries to better help my situation. To allow Cody to have his time to unwind and relax, and likewise for myself. It doesn't need to cost a lot of money but we both need our down time. I plan on getting my summer routine, and taking me time more seriously. I am finding my healthy ways of coping with stress.



For caregivers, in your devoted effort to assist with another’s health, do not destroy your own. In all these things be wise. Do not run faster than you have strength.7 Whatever else you may or may not be able to provide, you can offer your prayers and you can give “love unfeigned.”8 “Charity suffereth long, and is kind; … [it] beareth all things, … hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth.”9

quote from Elder Holland 


Thank you Cody for seeing me past my faults and mistakes. For being patient with my craziness. You're the cream to my corn , you're my Robert Plant, my partner in crime. And all the other sappy sayings.

Xo Xo

"When Mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me."
-Led Zeppelin 

                                                           photos by April and Trish 

This Boy Mama Sews Giveaway

So when I see someone who is a hard working, artistic, and genuine human being I just want to share them with the world and help them in any way that I can.

Back when I was making beanies and t-shirts I found a lot of other fellow mamas trying to make it as a instagram shop and be able to make cash flow from home. I am retiring my knitting and tee shirts business but I will forever knit because it is my passion. 

                   

I  want to share with you a brand I have come to love following because everything she posts is so unique and different than any other shop. This mama makes handmade comfy kimonos. And the best part is the prints are amazing. I have always wanted the kimono style tops for spring/summer to wear over a tank or swim suit and not be hot. But I have shopped at every place with kimonos and none of them have a print or color that I like. And also this mama sells them for real cheap. Like, I think she should charge more. When I was scrolling through her feed again even though I wanted to buy a spring/summery kimono, this comfy sweater like kimono caught my eye and I knew I just had to have it.

 And I wear it every day. It goes with everything. It is not too hot so it has been so perfect for spring to have something like a jacket but not a heavy winter jacket.

And I will definitely be wearing this all summer long when we go camping, after dinner snow cone runs, watching the fireworks late at night, carnivals and festivals. Every mom on the go needs a comfy kimono to cover up. And Guess what Mamas! I have used it to nurse in public like a nursing cover. BOOM. It is like the perfect mama must have. It will flatter any body type and you can just be comfy and casual. 

She also started making these darling bows and they are like a silky vintage scarf material. My girls are loving them and are always fighting over who gets to wear the bows. My favorite is the mustard yellow of course but they fight over the black and pink. Raelyn won this time because she is the most stubborn of them all. 

                                             

The headband bows are super soft and comfy so Betty doesn't even rip them out like other bows. 

She  doesn't want it on her head but when you say, "OOOHH so sweeeettt Betty!" She will stop and stare at you and not touch the bow because she loves the attention. And Taylor Holley Photography captured Betty's showing off face. 

            

Have you ever been so sad about your babies getting too big for their swaddle blankets? I think that has been my hardest transition is accepting they won't be swaddled and laid gently into their crib. But the cutest thing is seeing the girls use the blankets they were swaddled in on their dolls. This bow mama sews also sells the super soft jersey swaddle blankets. 

               

So the best part of this post is that This Boy Mama Sews is going to give you a kimono just like mine! That's right a free kimono and we get to match! It is such a good giveaway. 

All you have to do is Follow both

     This Boy Mama Sews

 and me

 Cold Pine Knits

 and tag as many people you want on my instagram post. Each person is one entry and we will pick a random winner 

Friday evening  June 2 2017. 

Good luck and may the odds be ever in your favor. 

               

                                            


                                


                                               Photos by // Taylor Holley Photography

                                              Blanket from //  Indy Brand Clothing 

Treatment

I have been busy the past few months and I had plans on writing a motherhood blog for Mother's Day but now it has come and gone. I will just say that I did not have a good Mother's Day. Addicts are typically self indulged and thinking of someone else's needs for a day can be challenging for them. Which leaves us feeling unappreciated, unseen and lonely.

So here is an update with what is going on with us lately. I haven't written about Cody and I and our addiction recovery for a while so I thought I would give an update. Cody relapsed last fall and it was another long hard struggle trying to balance our life again. It was a VERY rough Christmas.
We have a great family who was able to help us get through it.
 There was many family relationships broken, and lots of trust shattered. Past trauma opened back up. Fear and anxiety took over our home once again. Trying to keep it from the kids is another challenge in itself.
Being a mother is hard but I felt like our unusual circumstances were traumatic and started getting down on myself that I wasn't able to give my kids the life I wanted for them. I want them to not feel the dark circumstances. I felt super stuck. I felt like there was no way to stop the achy pain in my chest. The emotional pain was actually starting to feel "physical."  It starts to become a cycle that you feel like any hope you might have will come around in a full circle and just never end. I had to fully rely on clinging to my faith in Christ and that he was going to carry me through, because I couldn't trust anyone, even myself.


What I want to share with you that I learned is that the most dangerous thing you can do, especially as a mother, is to feel alone. I can promise you this, whatever struggles you have and whatever feelings that arise, there is someone out there in this world who knows that struggle. That is the beauty of this earth is there is billions of people and there is someone out there that has experienced your feelings and emotions. Sometimes we want advice or help with our struggles. But most of the time we just want someone to say "I know how you feel". You may say to yourself that other moms have it better, because of their social media. They look happy so they can't possible understand you. I don't like it when people say blogger moms are being "fake" when they appear happy in their pictures but they are really struggling behind it. The truth is, why would anyone post pictures of them struggling or having a messy house? No one wants to see those pictures. So mamas out there, stop judging instagram feeds. And you might say that your struggles are different and people don't understand you. You are right!
But so does everyone else. I was playing that victim of no one understood the struggles of being a mother with an addicted husband. It would cause me to not open up about my struggles to other moms. But if you find someone you can trust to talk to, you will find that person has a lot of struggles themselves. They might be different but we can relate to each others as moms if we understand that no one has a picture perfect home. And just because their kitchen is sparkling clean in all of their instagram posts does not mean they are being unreal.
Focusing on our blessings is something to help you get through the hard stuff. Even if it is only one or two things. Hold onto those. And when you are counting blessings do not compare them to others. For example I recently heard someone say about their own struggles, "things could be worse, I could be a drug addict."This is a common comparison. What that implies is that 1. that is the worst thing that could happen. Well I am living in the mess of an addict so am I living the worst life? It can certainly be worse. And 2. saying things could be worse/better is not being appreciative and the wrong perspective. You should say "I am so grateful for ... (fill in the blank.) Which is how prayer should come into your life.
Comparing blessings to someone or hypothetical is not the best way to get your happiness. Also not blaming other people for your unhappiness. Trust me I am working on this issue myself. It is so easy for me to blame Cody for a lot of my problems. It makes things difficult and symptoms of PTSD arise when I think I will go through those traumatic experiences again, but that does not mean I can let it control my life.

The second most dangerous thing to do as a struggling mom is to keep all your feelings a secret.

TELL SOMEONE.

Tell someone about your addiction. Tell someone about your pain.  Tell someone you are just angry and don't know why. Tell someone that you are overwhelmed and are scared.
You have to admit to yourself that you have lost control, of your thoughts or your actions. My very first blog post about Cody's addiction was a very hard one and lots of anxiety came from it, wondering what people would think. But it was also the most weight lifted off my shoulders that I didn't have to keep it a secret anymore. That it was okay to have struggles and be open about it. We can help each other by sharing what we are going through. That is the whole point of struggles is to be there for each other. I recently put it into my instagram profile feed "wife of a recovering addict." and I sat there forever wondering if I should put that. But I left it there. It is front and center of my profile as to what my blog is about. The reason is, I hope someone will see it and say "hey, I am a wife of an addict too. She is sharing it with the world and so can I." Or even just for myself to understand that there is just no more secrets. Satan wants you to keep it a secret.

Truth will set you free. 

Truth is everything. 

If you have an addicted spouse I am going to share this with you so that you don't feel so alone. And maybe people who don't have this experience might not understand. And that is okay, just know that this is something we have to go through with an addicted spouse and that it's painful.

 Any holiday whether it be Christmas, birthdays, mother's day, valentines day, anniversary's, or whatever special day it might be, it becomes an incredibly painful experience for the spouse.
When you have an addict this can make memorable moments into a bad one, and you usually have photos to remember forever how bad it was. I am going to try my best not to "husband bash" in this post but I want to share this pain with you.

Typical Christmas - Cody begs for cash to buy me a present. He goes to my parents + $50 he went to his parents + $100 he goes to his sister + $200 he asked me for money for presents + $200.
When Christmas came and there was zero presents and his lie was that he ordered a target purse for me and it was on lay away and he needed more money to get it. The addict fed his addiction leaving family and his wife feeling unloved, unappreciated, undeserving of a present and total trust and hearts broken.

Typical kids birthday party- We are of course broke so I have to do work to make a couple extra bucks for some balloons and a cake and stay up late making crafts and getting glitter everywhere to make it special. Day of event, addicts believe they "deserve" a little extra of their drug of choice that day because its special. So they are usually high and hiding from you. Or completely disappear and doesn't answer his phone. So instead of setting up for a party I am driving around with the kids finding my husband, who went to meet his dealer up the street and had to bring him back and tell him to shape up for one hour for his daughter. And then I put on a happy face and blow up balloons for a party. Leaving me feeling overwhelmed, unappreciated, unloved, and another disappointment.

typical MY birthday- Cody asks for money for a present, I tell him I want a massage or go to dinner. He asks again for a birthday present because he loves me and I deserve the moon but only wants just $200 for a present. I tell him I don't want a present. He begs again to give him the trust back that he lost.
I finally give in, and my anxiety at its peak because I know what he will likely spend it on, wondering if this will be the time that he overdoses, or goes to jail (PTSD kicks in). I can't function as a human or mother because my fear is taking control of my life.
It only results in many lies, many fights, trust lost, heartache, financial struggles, fear and anxiety and it makes all birthdays dreadful and scary to even think about. This year in February my birthday and Valentines are around the same time so he has to do double duty.
He took lots of money from the account, purchased an $10 necklace and put it into a "Kay Jewelers"
box and tells me that its a real diamond necklace so to be careful with it. He also said that there was a guy at work that could get a good deal so he had to bring him cash and was meeting up with him at a parking lot. So he also believes that I am idiot and would believe that he isn't getting drugs he is just doing a drug deal but getting a necklace instead.
Okay....this necklace had no diamonds I assure you. And it was probably the most hurtful thing he has done to me on a holiday. What was even more hurtful is the person that was helping him come up with this lie was someone I was knew. And it hurts even more to know that this person has no problem with coming up with such an elaborate scheme for the sake of the addiction.
And then somehow I become a bad guy because I didn't appreciate his efforts, and that he has tried everything and I just don't give him any trust.

typical Cody's birthday- he celebrates by getting high and then we can't function as a couple or family.

typical Mother's day- I just want a day to relax, maybe a card. my kids will color me pictures, go pick flowers in the yard, (sorry neighbor) but my husband will not say a word to me all day, and just sleep the day away because he is tired from working, or sick.

Addicts make you feel unseen on holidays. If you have an addicted spouse and you have felt this way on these holidays YOU ARE NOT ALONE.


 If it makes you feel better at all I want to tell you that I see you. I understand you. I know the hard struggles that come from mothering what seems like without much help. I know that you have to pull extra weight when you spouse is not able to. And then feel unappreciated when you do. You feel like your two hands will never be enough and feel guilt about not being able to do it all yourself.
I also want you to know that your addict still loves you. We can't make excuses for them, but we can understand their decisions are much harder when the addiction takes over.
We need to continue to develop healthy boundaries, protect ourselves and our children, and still love them unconditionally through their bad decisions.

Just keep going.

On St. Patrick's Day march 17 2017, I cornered Cody and gave him a decision.
I said you can either continue your lifestyle on your own, or I will give you the option of an outpatient treatment center and get help.
He finally agreed to an outpatient so that he would be able to go to work, see his children, be with me and still get the treatment he needed. For the first time ever I saw hope in Cody's eyes.
 He was pretty sick so I basically had to carry him in on a stretcher emergency style (not really) but we got him help.
He has been able to do it for 8 weeks and he has been doing really well. There is still bumps along the way and many years of pain that need to heal. But we are on a slow uphill road that I am trying to be hopeful that it will be a true recovery.
The treatment center is extremely expensive and that is one reason that it has been a hard decision to make to check him in.
When we went to sign him up I had an overwhelming feeling that it was the right decision and to not worry about the money. I knew that it would work itself out somehow, and things have been working out and right now we are hopeful. We still have some of the challenges that come with it.
Because he is at his treatment most of the week I am alone a lot more and taking the kids with me everywhere I go. It makes it more stressful for me but at least he is getting better, and hopefully temporary. So Cheers to that!



xoxo

"Truth is everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for."
- Bob Marley 

                                            Photo Credit to Taylor Holley Photography