Mood Love styled shoot

For some reason I haven't blogged about my styled shoots. If you don't already follow me then you can follow my new business account

Havenwood Design Co & Antique Rentals 

Something like that, I have rebranded my name and still not sure what to call myself.

Basically I am advertising myself as a Designer. Interior design, Retail design, event planning and design, styling photo shoots for photographers or small business. To display their products and get better images for their instagram handles. Basically any element of design possible is where I want to be. I have had a natural talent for it since I was little and I have basically stayed away from it for some reason. I think it is because I didn't think there was money in it. Like art has always been a part of me but more as a hobby or an outlet.

When I was 19 I wanted to go to massage school because I was into the hippie granola stuff and I loved that lifestyle. I wanted to be a nutritionist so I changed my degree in Art that I originally had to Science. My mom was trying to push my artistic side and we went the art institute and I had to sell my soul to attend there so it wasn't an option. I have always felt that my design part of me was too much of a dream, that it was too far fetched to even attempt. I have been scared of it for some reason. I have kind of wondered why it took me so long to finally try it but I think the timing has been everything. I spend the last 8 years making and raising babies and that is where I needed to be.

Last year around this time I was pushed by something to really just stop trying to do the stuff that I have been doing and know like massage, and jump two feet into a business with my art. I started with wedding planning because I have a passion or all the elements of design that a wedding has. Cake, florals, decor, fashion, jewelry, food, it is like a designer's dream. So I got on the internet and googled on how to become a wedding planner. And I will save you time because there really isn't much info to go on. So I decided to go in through the route of my hoarder side and start renting my antiques. I reached out to some photographers and said I need photos of my rentals and I offered to style them as well.
After my first photoshoot I was getting inquiries about styled shoots ever since.

If you are curious about what a styled shoot is and what I have been doing I will try and explain. It is where people in the industry will collaborate in order to build portfolio photos,  get a bigger social media following and more exposure in the wedding industry. I have done it many ways.
Sometimes we do bigger events and charge photographers to come and take pictures of a fake wedding set up and brides and they can build their portfolio to show brides how they can photograph their wedding.
I have done it also where I work with one or sometimes two photograpers and videographers and all the vendors will collaborate (put their own time and money into the photoshoot) and they will gain free photos and exposure for their brand.


I have had to quickly learn the ropes, the etiquette and it really is a whole different world than I have ever worked in. But I have been able to meet amazing people that I normally wouldn't ever meet and I have made really good friends and relationships along the way. Each photo shoot has made me grow and learn each time. I will admit that I may have over worked last year to kind of distract me from all the chaos in my personal life and I probably shouldn't have done that....but...I am finally seeing the hard work manifesting.


After a year of styled shoots and doing everything that they say you should do to build your business and I have been discouraged without getting any real bookings besides a few rentals here and there. And I am putting blood, sweat, tears and my whole soul into these photoshoots just hoping that I will be successful one day but not really sure where it was leading me. Well, at the end of the year 2016 I was saying to myself I need to slow down on these photo shoots because it is just too much and taking away too much away from my family without any income or benefits.
As soon as I said that I took a little break and then Chantel Lauren Designs contacts me and I was like wwwwwhhhhat?!?!?! she is my favorite designer, and so much my taste that I was immediately in. Leah and Chantel are both of the most laid back people and so super nice. All of the people I worked with for this styled shoot were all very amazing artists and we all worked so well together. I felt like I finally found my cliche that totally understands my design and appreciates what I do. I can't even tell you how flattered I was to work with these people.

Since then I did another shoot with some of the same people and I am stoked I am about this one. It is so much of me in it and I kind of feel like I have finally hit a good place in my business and where I want to headed with it. Shelby from Bonfireheart Co we work really well together. We don't even need to talk and we just both know what each other is thinking.

 I have been getting little nibbles and inquiries and I am getting so excited. And I did finally get my first booking! So I just have a good feeling about this year and what it has for me. It just proves that hard work will not be overlooked when you really want something. So don't get discouraged and don't give up on something if you want it so fiercely.

But this is just the beginning for me, you just wait until I get my hands on some real money and some real brides! One day I will flying out to NY fashion week to pick out my brides dresses, and I will be flying to the bahamas and switzerland for an elopement wedding. I am shooting for the stars here, I am not going to settle for mediocre. I am feeling good about the place that I am in.

So this is the photo shoot that I am really proud of and want to share with you guys. Enjoy!

Link to awesome Video by Skye Films 

xoxo 



photography 
taylor holley photography 

video 
skye films 

model 
sam hobson 

dress 
sweet caroline styles 

florals 
the potted pansy 

head pieces 
Danani handmade 

cake 
rock star cakery

macrame art 
bonfire heart co

backdrop tapestry 
foxheron collective

hair and make up 
Cassie Dillard 

2016 What I learned about addiction

I have been sharing my personal story about us and our addiction recovery and have shared up until the beginning of 2016. I was going to go into depth about this year and share with you some of my life lessons along the way, but here it is in a nutshell.

January- recovering
February Betty was born
March-may we were making it
June Relapsed
July Okay -maybe
August Relapsed
September continued relapse
October continued relapse
November worse
December total disaster

Something like that. Because of course, there is a lot of lies and blurriness in there.

Today my whole body is numb because I have let Satan take control of all of my thoughts and allowed him to steal my joy and make me believe that my husband just can't be saved. I hurt. I hurt for my husband. I hurt for my kids. I'm scared. I feel alone. Emotions that I didn't even know existed. Emotions that make your body physically hurt.

This is the second night Cody is not living here officially and just praying that I am going to be able to be strong enough to not enable him and give him space to find his healing and recovery. I go from trying to control him, to not want to be around him, to want to just hold him, to just anger, then the feeling of I need to control him and my co dependent self just won't stop the cycle and neither will he. I've had to set boundaries that he will not be able to use in the house or around the kids and he has pushed boundaries that has forced me to follow through with my threats. It is the most important part of having a spouse as an addict but it is also the hardest one of all. Sometimes I just think that everything is so unfair. That our addicts can be total fools and hurt us so deeply and we are just asked to forgive, to be patient, to be loving without enabling and I'm like, How is that fair?
 Because we have been doing so bad lately I have really lost my relationship with God. Sometimes it is easy to pretend that we can do this on our own. The truth is I could never go through this without God in my life giving me guidance, comfort, and just help me understand truth.

I want to be clear about this. Cody is a good person. He is a great husband and father when he is not using. The addiction is strong and has taken the person that he once was. I love the person inside of him not the addiction. Sometimes it is hard to differentiate the two. He has helped me this year tremendously helping me build my business and doing whatever I needed of him. It wasn't always easy but he has been there for me.  I know he loves me but I can't understand why you would hurt someone you love. The answer is because of the addiction. In hopes to help Cody I have tried my best to really understand addiction.

I am going to tell you some things that I have come to understand about addiction and most people are really not going to like this. So I am putting up my shield while people through fruit at me. Because there are very common misconceptions about addiction. I have talked with many addicts, recovered addicts, spouses of addicts, family members of addicts, and they have all told me similar things. "Addiction is a disease." "Once an addict always an addict." "how will you ever know if he will stop when he has relapsed so many times before?" "He is going to be a recovering addict his whole life."
I am going to tell you right now if you have said these falsehoods to anyone I am begging you to STOP.

Addiction is not a disease.

IT IS A SIN

God has told us the he who indulges in self pleasure and sin will not inherit the kingdom of God. So if someone has a disease do you think they will not be allowed in the present of Him? I think God would not judge a diseased man. There is no room for corruption and that includes addiction.
Now, I am not talking about mental illness because that is a different story. Yes people with mental illness may be more drawn to addiction but I am not talking about that. I am talking about addiction itself. Drugs, alcohol, pornography, gambling, social media, video games, food, sexual addictions. They are all a consequence of being led astray of our Heavenly Father and being subject to immoral sin by the temptation of Satan's demons.

So what is a disease?

 a condition of the living animal or plant body or of one of its parts that impairs normal functioning and is typically manifested by distinguishing signs and symptoms :  sickness,malady

I also understand that man can heal the sick through the gift of Christ with the laying on of hands anointed with oil. We have seen in the scriptures Jesus healed the sick and afflicted.
I have yet to see the laying on of hands with an addict and they be cured of their disease. You can't be cured of a sin. He can only give you strength and wisdom to overcome your trials and temptations.

Matthew 9:35

• New Testament

And Jesus went about all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues, and preaching the gospel of the kingdom, and healing every sickness and every disease among the people. 

I also fully believe in the atonement of Jesus Christ. That he suffered for our sins before they have even been committed. He has asked us to in his name come to him in humility, with a change of heart and he will forgive our sins and heal our pains. But he won't do that if we do not do the work ourselves of coming to him. Everyone has sins. Everyone is expected of the same thing. To try our best to be who we were meant to become. We are judged by no one but our one and only God. Nothing else matters besides the relationship and understanding we have with him.
So if I believe that we can be cured and forgiven of ALL THINGS unto him then the phrase. "an addict will always be an addict" makes absolutely no sense in my mind. So someone is just going to walk around like a zombie the rest of their lives just trying to not sin? absolutely not. We are given specific instructions through the scriptures and our living prophets on the path to happiness.  We can have happiness. We can be saved  but we have to continue to make those decisions to follow him so we don't go down that path again. You can do it but only with Christ in your life. This life is too hard to do on our own.


I will tell you one story that happened this year. When Cody was doing really well and we were just happy for a short while we were trying to do more things outdoors and going fishing. Cody tried to take us to Utah Lake. I despise Utah Lake but I was trying to allow Cody to do his promises to me to do more stuff as a family. We got everyone out of the car and our poles, blankets etc and we started down this long path to the lake. The whole time I was like this isn't going to work. This is the wrong path. But I didn't really want to turn around because that was a long walk back too. So we decided to just keep going. And going. After walking through bugs and rocks and mud I was ready to just make camp because there I was not about to walk back with the kids. But then Cody says nope we need to find a new spot. And I reluctantly went back with the kids. I know what your thinking, what is the point of this?
At one point I thought we had made a point of no return even though we were half way there. I made up my mind that I was not going to go back. That the path back was too long and not ready to do it. The truth is, there is so such thing as the point of no return. We can ALWAYS return it just may not be easy or fun and bugs may attack our faces. It was just one step at a time.

I think the most dangerous part of telling an addict it is a disease is that it takes away the responsibility. It makes them believe that it is out of their control and the sins they are committing are not their fault it is the disease. This will lead them farther from recovery. The first step is admitting the problem and allowing a higher power to help them through this path. It first  starts with a choice of recovery. No matter how much help, love, healing, light you give to an addict if they do not want to receive it they will not recover. That is what I have had to really come to understand about Cody.

I can love and help my addict, but I can not disrespect their freedom.

I just have to continue to have faith that God knows my heart, he sees my pain and knows what I need. Trusting him with things and letting him take control is a hard thing to do. Right now I am having a hard time seeing hope in our marriage but I do know there can be hope for Cody if he chooses it. I am a person who needs answers right now. I need to know what my path is so I can just start living. but I really just need to calm down and I don't need to make any decisions right now. 

Everything takes time.

 I need time.

 Cody needs time. 

This is a really long road and we are just trying to make it as less bumpy as possible. I have been lately hearing the primary song in my head. 

The foolish man built his house upon sand 

the wise man build his house upon a rock

The rock is Christ and I just hope we are not blown away and we can stay strong as a family. I also want to thank all the people that have helped us get through this year. It has been a tough one and we have had family and friends help us in so many ways. You all know who you are. We are blessed to have such good people surrounding us. I am also grateful for these hard experiences. When you have had challenges of needing to be served you are able to learn how to serve others. I am now more able to see what other people need even if they aren't saying that they need it. 

It is amazing how many people who are willing to serve. Feed the hungry and cloth the naked. But also don't forget the people that appear to be healthy and fine but really are in pain and suffering on the inside. Serve ALL people but first start with your family. 

Ask them how they are. Ask them how you can help. Hear them and help with what you see needs service. You help people in a way they need it not with how you decide someone needs your help.

 We still have one more day left of 2016 and I hopeful that we can make it through this year. 

Right now I am at the point of hanging off a cliff, hopefully in Zion Canyon. There is the choice of pulling myself back up and just move on. There is the choice of letting go and plummeting to my death. Or maybe there is a super awesome trampoline and I go for a sweet ride. I really just don't know. 

One thing I know for certain is that God loves me. God loves Cody. God loves my kids. I love Cody. The kids love Cody. Cody loves me. Cody loves the kids. 

I just pray that it is enough for us to overcome the hardest thing of our lives and become selfless in serving each other to keep our family together. 

Cody never reads my blog posts but if you do read this Cody, I secretly do love your cheesy supertramp and ACDC song lyrics you text me. I love when you sneak me a snickers bar every now and then so I can indulge in my guilty pleasure of chocolate. I love that you will allow me to watch whatever show I want at night. I love you for all the efforts from this year and the progress you have made.

  You are enough. 

There is a friggin army of people waiting to help you when you are ready. Just ask for it. If you are an addict of any kind. Ask for help. Ask it today and start your new years of recovery.

We could use prayers tho....

Cheers
Happy New Year !
xoxo 

Bow Giveaway

I am so excited for this post because I have the opportunity to share one of my favorite shops. Not only does Anna make incredible quality bows for girls but she is one of those genuinely kind people that shines through instagram. I have never met her but I know she is an amazing person which makes it easier to want to promote and support her shop.

her instagram is Mina Loves Bows 


All I did was ask her to let me host a giveaway and she said yes with no question and she sent me so many cute ones it was hard to pick the ones I wanted to share with my followers.

You would think I have a million bows because I have three girls but truth is I have just enough and they are only from about 3 bow shops. When I found out that Mina Loves Bows made leather bows I was like, why would you use any material besides Leather? (heart eyes)
she has made me leather collars too that make any sweater way cuter.

Here are the bows I have chosen to give to you. It was so hard to pick because every single one is just so good and will go with any outfit. 

You just follow the rules on my instagram to enter to win. Follow @minalovesbows and @coldpineknits and tag your friends below in the comments to enter the giveaway and I will choose a random winner on December 22 2016. 

I usually don't enter giveaways because I hate to bug all my friends all the time with tags and I also know that I am not going to win. 

but don't worry because I don't have that many people who follow me and will actually enter so your chances if winning are good! I am so excited to share with you this really great maker and you will definitely want to buy more from her. 

My girls are very "girly" and LOVE bows. Because I am more of a tom boy and I can not stand pink glittery tutus these bows are the perfect mix of feminine but not tacky. Most of the time the girls hair is ratty and have pony tails that have been slowly coming out the past two-three days. but the moment we have to be somewhere I brush sage's hair while she screams bloody murder and stops breathing because she is crying so hard, and them throw on a leather bow. BOOM. It looks like we actually do their hair and they look like little gap models. These pics were taken at the end of the day when they have been playing hard and the bows are just worth it.

Raelyn took a while to let me do her hair but she likes to do everything that sage does so she finally let me start doing her hair. She is so much edgier than sage and so its fun to do her hair in funky ways, like I will do buns down the back like Ray in Star wars. When I ask how she wants her hair she will either say "sta-wers " or "piggy" or "elsa" (braid)
and thats about all I know how to do with the length of her hair. I am really not a hair stylist so it's a struggle in this department of girl hair.
Cody is always a good sport to help me with their hair. He isn't great at it but I love that he will make an effort to help make them presentable. Also I am the mom who will just let their faces be messy and let it wipe of their pillow cases at night. It just gets messy again so whats the point.

Because I have been so busy with my design and wedding business I have decided to slow down on the knitting life and just spend more time with my family. I decided to make a few more this year because we needed the extra income for Christmas so I decided to do local shows. I don't know if I will ever fully let go of knitting because I do have a passion for it. I am considered just doing a side thing and open an etsy because there are people who say they want beanies but just don't have a good way to shop and buy some. but then the next day I feel overwhelmed and then say I can't. So not sure what I am going to do at this point but in the mean time if you want a beanie, hood, bonnet, animal head etc just shoot me an email I am always happy when people want a custom order. I have only had two custom orders this season so please don't be afraid to ask! I also have leftover inventory that I am always willing to let go for a much lower price or trade.
If I can muster up enough energy to open an etsy I just might do that so stay tuned for that.

 

kids "vintage" beanie 

This year I am kind of obsessed with the "honey" color because it reminds me of vintage or "outdoorsy" so if you would like a honey beanie shoot me an email and I would love to get started.
but first go enter my giveaway and then check out Anna's feed because you will find the cutest kids wearing her stuff.

I hope you guys are having a very merry and joyful holiday. 

Merry Christmas xoxo 

cheers 

photography by 

Sam Kay Photo

If you need a photographer Sam was very good with my kids and they were comfortable with her. She has a good eye and her work feels natural. Check her insta for her portfolio. 

Thanksgiving Special

I am going to be the first one to admit on Thanksgiving, I have not always been a grateful person. I am going to give you some truths that might get me in trouble, but oh well.
I kind of hate the long facebook posts about I am thankful for my house, my family, my health, my kids, my food, my clothing, etc etc etc. I know that there are genuine people who understand what true gratitude is. But, I was one of these people who made those long lists but behind it was really just a ungrateful person. It was super easy to name of all the things we are grateful for and move on. That is not what gratitude is. I tried to do a challenge with my kids that we try to think of something we are grateful for every night for 20 days. And to be honest, I got lost after my kids, my health, my house etc. I could be real specific but thinking of 20 things was hard.
The past couple of months I have been really trying to figure out True humility and also more understanding of myself and other people. Perspective is really the key in everything when it comes to how you see yourself and others. I do think that I have at times been grateful, but maybe only in times of seeing others suffer. Like when you see someone have a hardship you are like, I am so grateful I do not have to face that. Or I am so grateful that I am safe. But times goes on and you go back to your normal ungrateful self.
I think this can be a huge part of anxiety and depression. That we "think" we are grateful and we believe that we are doing everything right and are still depressed. But maybe we aren't as grateful as we see ourselves being.

We can be grateful for the thorns on the rose, instead of complain that roses have thorns. 


For myself I did this for years until I found a glimpse of true gratitude and it was only when I had nothing. Or so I thought. When I have talked about how when we were so poor because of Cody's addiction I sold so much stuff. And Sometimes it felt like we had very little but the truth was I was more grateful for my belongings when I had much less. Outside people thought it was sad or stressful for me to sell my stuff but it was such a cleansing and relieving experience. It made me realize how possessions are really not important. When you think the cup is half empty just realize that it can be refillable.
Cody once told me when we were just fighting and I had to make the choice to let him stay here, He said that he was going to change now because he had lost everything. It made me realize that he really was not being grateful because at the moment I could give him a huge list that he was missing. Yes we lost LOTS of money, both cars, one to an accident and one because he got a title loan that we couldn't pay and we lost our truck. We lost tools to pawn, furniture I sold, little food, and if it wasn't for us living in a place my grandparents owned we would have been homeless a long time ago. but at that moment I realized that we were all still alive, we had family and friends who wouldn't allow us to suffer, we weren't homeless and most of all we had each other still. It was not rock bottom. Then I thought of how things could be so much worse like homeless, death, jail, or our kids starving. And the gratitude flooded me and I realized that we were being ridiculous and we were fine.
 
I come from a family of hoarders and so I definitely have that problem with stuff and I have also seen how it has totally consumed their lives and they can't let anything go without mental stress.
I did not want to be one of those people. It has taken me time to get over that. I know there are sentimental and sacred things we keep and that is fine if you have a place for it.
But stuff is stuff and I promise there is more out there. Things are replaceable. And it has also made me be more choosy with what I allow in my home. If it is not 100 percent me and what I want then why waste the money on it? If its temporary or will make do then I didn't really want it, even if it was Free! Life is too short to be complaining about what we have and that we wish we had better things. Or have things that just don't make us happy. I know we can blame social media on making us believe we have to have all white sparkling clean kitchens with designer cookware and designer clothes while baking homemade goods. But the truth is some people are just that awesome, and just because they have those things doesn't mean you can't be grateful in your circumstances. So if it really bothers you then clean the clutter. Start over.


"Let us give thanks for what we are and for the circumstances God has given us for our personal journey through mortality."

Elder Dallin H. Oaks

Now I am not just talking about stuff. I felt true gratitude in my pain and suffering because it caused me to have so much more understanding and growth. When Cody did something that was so incredible hurtful it was just too much. I felt like my chest was going to explode. I went to my emotional healer and He said that most of that pain is not Cody's actions. It is little Katie that learned when I was young that I didn't matter and I was not important. When Cody lied to me, it made me feel like my feelings did not matter to him. Or when he chose to use that I was not important to him.
And when this happened I mean I got angry. SUPER angry.  And then I would allow dark spirits and negative energies to enter our home and then it just made things worse for me.
When that pain comes back I just lash out at Cody and it made me realize that no matter what he does I have no excuse to act like that. And I had to work on myself and find how I can better handle the hard situations that he has laid me with. It is also a catch 22 when I am in so much pain, that one and only person I want to comfort me is my husband. And I found so much gratitude that he was just still there. He was still my husband and just like I love him, I do know that he loves me so hard. I don't know if that many people have that kind of Love strength in their marriage.  I am grateful that we were able to have these experiences to really test it and see if we would really do the vows we made through sickness and health. I don't believe in death do us part, I believe in all of the eternities so it better be the right person. because you may have to take on a lot of baggage.
I am grateful for Cody's strength that when he was faced with his temptation that he made the choice for his family. It is going to be a long struggle and I know there is still a chance we can't beat it. but TODAY I am grateful that we have everything we need and we are all healthy. And start over again tomorrow. I am also grateful for our trial because I have so much more understanding. That when I see quotes on Pinterest I'm like Yup Yup, and nod along and know I learned it the hard way.
If we totally *&^% up, it doesn't matter! What matters is what you do next. Do you fall back or keep moving forward?
I am making the effort to be grateful in ALL circumstances. Or you will get lost in the darkness. It is very easy to go there. And it is going to take a lot of work and effort and I know that I can not be successful on any level if I am not showing true gratitude to myself and also to the man upstairs.

Cheers

Katie's Whole Wheat Stuffing Recipe


1 cup    Butter
3 celery staulks
1/2 onion
15 slices whole wheat bread
2 tbsp fresh sage
2  tbsp fresh thyme
1 cup dried cranberries or raisins

In saucepan cook butter til melted, saute celery and onion in butter until tender.
Tear bread into small cubes in large bowl. stir in 1/3 of the bread cubes into butter mix.
stir in chopped herbs and add dried fruit.
Stuff turkey before roasting or place stuffing into baking dish and cook COVERed for 15 minutes and Uncovered for 15 mintues at 325 degrees.

You're welcome.

Betty's Birth Story

I have been telling my recovering addiction story for the past couple of years of my life so you can jump back posts to read about my story.

Last post was about the final break through with Cody that I knew what was going on with our family and I made the decision to stay with him and help him in the recovery process.

After that I made the decision I realized that I still needed to be able to support myself if things went bad with Cody. I am a massage therapist but getting a license in Utah was difficult and I had to pay lots of money for CE classes and paying for the licensing and I wasn't 100 percent sure if that's what I wanted to do.
I had kind of been thinking about a wedding rental with my antiques for a while but I was too overwhelmed with everything going on and so I didn't know where to start. but I finally decided I needed to make some real money and not just knitting.
So I found some facebook pages that are wedding related and put it out there that I was going to start being a wedding planner and was willing to work for really cheap to build my portfolio.
I did get a bride that was willing to let me do her wedding and I was so grateful for her. She gave me some confidence and allowed me to have a project and not just sit around thinking about how my life was falling apart.
I had a little budget so I was doing lots of DIY projects to cut the cost and I really enjoyed doing it. but there was one project that I needed Cody's help. It was just too hard to do by myself. I asked him if he would take the materials to Las Vegas and work on them when he got off work. He promised he would do it and then he just didn't. We were two days away from the wedding and it was Sunday night and he was having to get ready to go back to Las Vegas for yet another week.
At this point I was 8 months pregnant and doing anything was just harder. He left me with the materials and I was angry and depressed and didn't know how I was going to pull off this wedding by myself and being pregnant with three little kids.
Cody had his bags packed and was ready to leave, but when his parents came to pick him up he made the decision he wasn't going back and that he was going to stay the week to help me with the wedding and he also knew that he wasn't going to be able to get the pills he needed. He would then have to do the final step of going through the withdrawals.
All day and night we made the things we needed and the wedding went great.

 Cody and I call it "hell week" it was so miserable watching him go through withdrawals. It was scary at times, and I was trying to keep the kids away while still being there for Cody.
We also knew that without him working we were going to be in trouble financially but at this time getting him clean was the most important thing.
It was sleepless nights, and lots of hopelessness and feeling useless. But I was right there with everything.
He had cleaned my puke many times through all my pregnancies and always took care of me when I needed it. So it was my turn to just be there for him. Even though it seemed like an eternity to both of us, it was short. And it was worth it to both of us because we had a bonding experience from all of it. Cody knew the day was approaching to get clean because our baby was Due and I had to make the hard decision to tell Cody that he was not going to be able to attend the birth if he was not clean. Some people told me that was cruel and I wasn't able to do that because it was his kid. but I know it was the right decision because Cody needed something to motivate him and a reason to get clean. I was very scared that I was going to have to fulfill my threat of him not being there because it was something I did not want to do alone. but I wasn't able to relax and give birth if I had contention and knew that my husband couldn't fully be there for me.

Cody managed to stay clean for the next few weeks working for my grandpa doing side jobs  and Feb 9 2016 that morning I was starting to feel contractions.
By evening I was calling Cody every hour and telling him to be ready and telling my mom to be on call to come get the kids.
They were finally strong enough that we had to go to the birthing center and we made it there before the midwives. I have had faster labors each time so I was definitely worried it would be too quick. but when we got there she checked me and I was at a 4 CM. and said that we have plenty of time and I wanted to get into the water.

Cody went to get a shake next door and it took him about 20 minutes and when he got back my water broke. Midwives came in and said everything was looking great, and so we waited and I just let the baby come down without pushing, and just enjoying each contraction and allowing my body to adjust and prepare for the baby. The head came out and the shoulders struggled a bit so I stood up and put one leg up and that baby slid right out.

And then we had four babies. She was perfect and beautiful and Cody was freaking out because she didn't cry she was just content looking around. We were all not worried about her but Cody wasn't there for any of the meetings or orientations with the midwives and so he thought that the oxygen mask was because she was in distress. But they told me that they usually give them a puff of air to help clear the lungs and speed up the process of them breathing on their own.
but once we calmed Cody's nerves and got me into bed it was so amazing.

The bed was so comfy and warm and I didn't bleed very much which is something I usually have a problem with. and they told me that I didn't tear at ALL. and that is another story about my births that it was something traumatic for me healing from births.
She was healthy and beautiful and I felt great.

I was able to stand right up and walk around and we said we want to go home. so about an hour after being born we took her home and the kids wanted to love on her but it was late so we just went to bed and started our new life together. We named her Betty Bloom Bushell.

 

I thought everything was going to be fine, but that was short lived because Cody had relapsed and things were getting stressful again. I was really scared because I now had a newborn and didn't know how I was able to work or support myself and I just didn't know how he was going to support us.
When Betty was four weeks old there was something off with her. I co-sleep with my babies and one night I was waking up all night and telling Cody it felt like she wasn't breathing. He just brushed it off and said she is fine but the next day I didn't want to leave her alone. I didn't even want to shower because I felt like something was wrong. She started developing a cough and runny nose so I knew she was sick. She didn't have a fever so I thought she would be okay. but when I went to nurse her she had a really nasty cough and she couldn't stop and then her lips were turning blue. It was the scariest thing I have ever witnessed on any of my babies.  I said a really quick prayer and I said, Heavenly Father my instincts tell me that I need to take my baby to the hospital and I get a very clear and quick answer back and it was YES take her to the hospital.

I called my dad and he came over to babysit and everyone was kind of acting like I was over reacting.
When we got there they confirmed it was RSV and deadly to infants and she needed to stay.
They got her in and put some oxygen tubes up her nose. That night she was having apnea spells and would stop breathing for a long period of time. Every time the machine went off my heart was pounding and my brain went foggy and I just thought my baby was dying. The nurses couldn't give me straight answers except "most" babies survive RSV but they couldn't guarantee it.
That night the baby next door to me had the exact same Virus and she had got so bad they were taking her by helicopter to take  her to primary children's in salt lake because they had a better equipment and team for babies that severe. I started freaking out that that was going to be me next. And I just prayed for her to have a quick recovery. I could not sleep and my anxiety was through the roof.
The next day she had gotten worse and she had spiked an fever and needed to do blood tests and make sure she didn't have meningitis and take her urine to do more tests and it was just stressful. She was a beautiful healthy baby and it all changed in an instant.
Her oxygen levels were getting worse so they told me that had to jump to the highest BPAP so that she could get the most oxygen and if it got worse she would have to go by helicopter.
Because the mask covered her face she wasn't able to nurse so I had to pump and feed her through tubes. So I knew that this was for the long haul and I went home and got new clothes, my laptop, and some things to do while I was there.
During this time I hadn't talked to Cody and he was starting a new job with a company and I was stressed because I knew that Cody was withdrawing at home and he had to take care of my kids.
So I was a total mess having my baby sick and worrying about my family at home and I have never felt so much anxiety in my life. My adrenaline had spiked a few times and found myself having shakes. It was like the feeling of when you are really Cold and getting shivers uncontrollably. It was scary and I thought I was going bonkers.
Cody came to see her after day 3 and it went was bad, we just fought and then he left. I was so nervous about how our family was going to survive this at all.
After 6 days 5 nights in the hospital we were finally discharged and I was scared to leave because those machines were the only thing telling me that she was alive and she was okay.
but we went home and started over yet again and knew that this was a long road ahead of us.

When I got pregnant with Betty I thought how could this be right. The timing was all wrong. but now I know that Betty was part of saving our family. When I heard the name Betty it was an immediate I knew that was her name.
I like to look up the meaning of names and the meaning of Betty is "God's inspiration." and that is exactly what she is to our family. She completes us and makes us better because of her presence on the earth and we are going to watch that beautiful soul grow and help heal us.

Photo by Aly Collins Photography

Now she is 9 months and is already walking (I know) and she is a talker. Anytime I talk she is trying to talk over me with her jibber jabber. Her hobbies are ripping my knitting to shreds and tangling it up and climbing up the stairs every 10 minutes. You just look at her and she laughs.  She is such a blessing to us. She also looks exactly like her dad. We love our chunky cheeked Boomers.

photos by Maria Camila 

J.R.R. Tolkien saved my life

Do any of you have a movie or book that is always your go to when you are just down or stressed? Sometimes for me its hunger games, sometimes Harry Potter. But above all my go to movies are the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
I fell in love with the Hobbit in 6th grade. When I checked out the book at the library my teacher told me that it was too advanced for me and I probably shouldn't read it. Well I am the most stubborn person and if someone tells me that I can't do something I am determined to prove them wrong. It was definitely a hard read but I was not going to give up. I ended up liking it and read the whole series.
In high school my mom gave me a tiny TV that had a VCR player and I would play one of the movies every night before I would go to bed.

I bet you are wondering why I would do a post about Lord of the Rings. This is going to be hard for me to explain but I will try. When I used to watch the movies religiously I would get really into the depth of the movie. I thought it was symbolic for me at the time when I was in high school. I was strongly into drugs and alcohol and it was when I was experimenting with heroin. I didn't do it long it was only about a 6 month period and when I did it I was get violently sick. I don't know why but my body would react to it. I still tried doing it because the people around me were doing it and I enjoyed being in their company.
I cleaned up and moved away and shortly after moving to Las Vegas one of my friends who was struggling with this addiction had committed suicide. It was very heart breaking and I had drove up from Las Vegas to be at his funeral. It was very surreal and devastating to lose such a wonderful person. This is when I was realizing the connection of Lord of the Rings and specifically heroin/opiate addiction. 

This is my inspiration for this blog post. We just found out that another one of our good friends from high school has lost his battle to addiction. He was best friends with the person that committed suicide I talked about. Just like the other friend He was an amazing person who was inspiring. He had such trials in his life and he managed to always be a positive person and he was kind to everyone. When we heard the news it devastated Cody and I. Cody was telling me about the guilt and helplessness he felt with this situation. He wished he would have reached out to him or have been a better friend. 

These are normal feelings when you are placed in these circumstances. 

I had to dig through my piles of stuff I kept from High School. I had to write poetry for my English class. I wrote this during the time I was hanging out with the two people I am talking about in this blog post. Here is the poem. 

Heroin 

by Katie 

Our Burdens are getting heavier

we travel through the trees 

all we have to drink is the dampness 

of our spirits

The rain clouds determines your mind 

you wonder if the burden will last 

Day by day you go by 

pitying yourself and others like you 

No one can be trusted 

they betray you in every breath they take 

they lie and deceive 

their promises they swear 

You go on with a little chance of hope 

you feel the blood underneath your  fingers 

as you drag yourself 

across the stinging ground 

your burden is treacherous 

you see yourself in a hundred years 

in darkness 

darker than shadow 

you are almost there

to the black gate of the black city 

where the sweet taste in your mouth 

grows colder 

the cold liquid burns through your veins 

your eyes on fire. 

you tell yourself its not true 

but you caught yourself red handed. 

 It was how I saw a life of a heroin addict.  This was some deep stuff for the 16 year old me, but I am glad that I kept this and have this record of my thoughts during that time of my life.

When it consumes your life and you let it take you, you would become someone like Gollum. It would make someone like Smeagol and take his soul into a creature that you don't recognize. 
Everyone in Middle Earth always recognized and admired the strength of the hobbits and even during such trial times, and temptations of the Ring they stayed stronger than any other race. 
The relationship that Frodo and Sam had was amazing because they were a team and they pushed through together. Frodo wouldn't have made it without Samwise. And he is always been my favorite character of the book. 
Every addict needs a Sam to be right behind them and always keep them from their own weaknesses. Even though Sam couldn't help him with his burden and he desperately wanted to, he relieved the burden when Frodo couldn't go on.  
I love when Samwise saves Frodo from Shelob the giant spider and he tells him,

When a loved one is an addict that is kind of the relationship you have. You have to just stand by and watch someone you love suffer and you feel like it is your responsibility. You go through the guilt and what you could have done differently or to make their life better. You feel totally helpless. It is hard to see hope in your own happiness when they are unhappy. It feels like their failure is your failure and you are tied to their fate. Sam felt guilty and wanted to share the burden of the ring. He wanted to take away his pain. Frodo tried to tell him that it wasn't his burden and he couldn't help. but even with Frodo pushing him away Sam is the one that saved Middle Earth. These feelings of guilt and helplessness just come with the addiction relationship.
Gollum was already past the point of redemption but Frodo was hanging on to the idea that there was still good in him because he didn't want to face the fear in himself that he too would be lost in the darkness like Gollum. Sam had repeatedly told him that he was a liar and a thief, and there wasn't changing him, but Sam still stuck by Frodo even though he chose to keep Gollum around. but it was hard and hurtful for Sam.
Sam also went back to help Frodo even though he sent him away and made him feel like he wasn't wanted or needed. But he knew he was in danger so he went to find him. Sam had literally carried frodo on his back to the last and final stages of ridding the world of evil in Mordor. Frodo and Gollum fought to the death to get this ring and it ended in Gollum's demise because he would rather die with it than let it go.

Well, I really do not think that there is ever a point of no return. There is ALWAYS hope and Samwise tells us that. when he says.

When you are stuck in such darkness, believing there is still good and hanging onto a small amount of hope is the only way you will get yourself through. The addict just can see the eye controlling them and they can't see the light and hope. You need to be a Samwise to show them there is something to fight for. However, we are asked to love and help where we can but we can not force change or recovery if they do not want it.

But I have had to learn this through the battle with Cody's addiction. People have free agency. We can not control people and it is the hardest thing to watch someone you care about suffer. Last night Cody and I had talked about the reality of drugs and how it can affect other people. Because we can't control others actions we sometimes can't control the pain that comes from it. 

All we can do is choose to deal with those feelings when they come. How we react to them and how we control our feelings and minds is where our healing and happiness comes from, and not other people's actions. 

How liberating is it to learn that we aren't responsible for other people? All we are asked of God is to take care of ourselves and to find our strength so we can be a light to other people. It is only our responsibility to love and cherish the time we have with our loved ones. Even though it is not our battle we are expected to help them through theirs. The only way we can be there for others if we choose to take care of ourselves. Whether it is through being an example or through service. 

We will be praying and sending love and light to those families who have lost those people in this hard battle. These were Frodos who were just trying to make it and didn't succeed. but I know that because of the atonement these wonderful people are not lost and they are in a beautiful place. I have a testimony of the unity of our families when we pass, and that we have the opportunities to be saved. There is hope always with our Savior. 

When I was going through a hard time while Cody was gone working in Las Vegas and I felt like I was barely afloat I was watching the Hobbit- battle of the five armies almost every night to help me to sleep. I do not like sleeping by myself. I would fall asleep and then when the credits came I woke up because I would hear this song. It is probably the most beautiful song and when we heard about our friend this song came to my mind. 

The actor that played Pippin in the lord of the Rings wrote this song for the ending of the Hobbit Trilogy and combing the 6 movies together as one. 

The Last Goodbye by Billy Boyd

Lyrics

I saw the light fade from the sky
On the wind I heard a sigh
As the snowflakes cover
My fallen brothers
I will say this last goodbye

Night is now falling
So ends this day
The road is now calling
And I must away

Over hill and under tree
Through lands where never light has shone
By silver streams that run down to the sea

Under cloud, beneath the stars
Over snow and winter's morn
I turn at last to paths that lead home

And though where the road then takes me,
I cannot tell
We came all this way
But now comes the day
To bid you farewell

Many places I have been
Many sorrows I have seen
But I don't regret
Nor will I forget
All who took that road with me

Night is now falling
So ends this day
The road is now calling
And I must away

Over hill, and under tree
Through lands where never light has shone
By silver streams that run down to the sea

To these memories I will hold
With your blessing I will go
To turn at last to paths that lead home

And though where the road then takes me,
I cannot tell
We came all this way
But now comes the day
To bid you farewell

I bid you all a very fond farewell

watch the YouTube video HERE