I kind of hate the long facebook posts about I am thankful for my house, my family, my health, my kids, my food, my clothing, etc etc etc. I know that there are genuine people who understand what true gratitude is. But, I was one of these people who made those long lists but behind it was really just a ungrateful person. It was super easy to name of all the things we are grateful for and move on. That is not what gratitude is. I tried to do a challenge with my kids that we try to think of something we are grateful for every night for 20 days. And to be honest, I got lost after my kids, my health, my house etc. I could be real specific but thinking of 20 things was hard.
The past couple of months I have been really trying to figure out True humility and also more understanding of myself and other people. Perspective is really the key in everything when it comes to how you see yourself and others. I do think that I have at times been grateful, but maybe only in times of seeing others suffer. Like when you see someone have a hardship you are like, I am so grateful I do not have to face that. Or I am so grateful that I am safe. But times goes on and you go back to your normal ungrateful self.
I think this can be a huge part of anxiety and depression. That we "think" we are grateful and we believe that we are doing everything right and are still depressed. But maybe we aren't as grateful as we see ourselves being.
We can be grateful for the thorns on the rose, instead of complain that roses have thorns.
For myself I did this for years until I found a glimpse of true gratitude and it was only when I had nothing. Or so I thought. When I have talked about how when we were so poor because of Cody's addiction I sold so much stuff. And Sometimes it felt like we had very little but the truth was I was more grateful for my belongings when I had much less. Outside people thought it was sad or stressful for me to sell my stuff but it was such a cleansing and relieving experience. It made me realize how possessions are really not important. When you think the cup is half empty just realize that it can be refillable.
Cody once told me when we were just fighting and I had to make the choice to let him stay here, He said that he was going to change now because he had lost everything. It made me realize that he really was not being grateful because at the moment I could give him a huge list that he was missing. Yes we lost LOTS of money, both cars, one to an accident and one because he got a title loan that we couldn't pay and we lost our truck. We lost tools to pawn, furniture I sold, little food, and if it wasn't for us living in a place my grandparents owned we would have been homeless a long time ago. but at that moment I realized that we were all still alive, we had family and friends who wouldn't allow us to suffer, we weren't homeless and most of all we had each other still. It was not rock bottom. Then I thought of how things could be so much worse like homeless, death, jail, or our kids starving. And the gratitude flooded me and I realized that we were being ridiculous and we were fine.
I come from a family of hoarders and so I definitely have that problem with stuff and I have also seen how it has totally consumed their lives and they can't let anything go without mental stress.
I did not want to be one of those people. It has taken me time to get over that. I know there are sentimental and sacred things we keep and that is fine if you have a place for it.
But stuff is stuff and I promise there is more out there. Things are replaceable. And it has also made me be more choosy with what I allow in my home. If it is not 100 percent me and what I want then why waste the money on it? If its temporary or will make do then I didn't really want it, even if it was Free! Life is too short to be complaining about what we have and that we wish we had better things. Or have things that just don't make us happy. I know we can blame social media on making us believe we have to have all white sparkling clean kitchens with designer cookware and designer clothes while baking homemade goods. But the truth is some people are just that awesome, and just because they have those things doesn't mean you can't be grateful in your circumstances. So if it really bothers you then clean the clutter. Start over.
"Let us give thanks for what we are and for the circumstances God has given us for our personal journey through mortality."
Elder Dallin H. Oaks
Now I am not just talking about stuff. I felt true gratitude in my pain and suffering because it caused me to have so much more understanding and growth. When Cody did something that was so incredible hurtful it was just too much. I felt like my chest was going to explode. I went to my emotional healer and He said that most of that pain is not Cody's actions. It is little Katie that learned when I was young that I didn't matter and I was not important. When Cody lied to me, it made me feel like my feelings did not matter to him. Or when he chose to use that I was not important to him.
And when this happened I mean I got angry. SUPER angry. And then I would allow dark spirits and negative energies to enter our home and then it just made things worse for me.
When that pain comes back I just lash out at Cody and it made me realize that no matter what he does I have no excuse to act like that. And I had to work on myself and find how I can better handle the hard situations that he has laid me with. It is also a catch 22 when I am in so much pain, that one and only person I want to comfort me is my husband. And I found so much gratitude that he was just still there. He was still my husband and just like I love him, I do know that he loves me so hard. I don't know if that many people have that kind of Love strength in their marriage. I am grateful that we were able to have these experiences to really test it and see if we would really do the vows we made through sickness and health. I don't believe in death do us part, I believe in all of the eternities so it better be the right person. because you may have to take on a lot of baggage.
I am grateful for Cody's strength that when he was faced with his temptation that he made the choice for his family. It is going to be a long struggle and I know there is still a chance we can't beat it. but TODAY I am grateful that we have everything we need and we are all healthy. And start over again tomorrow. I am also grateful for our trial because I have so much more understanding. That when I see quotes on Pinterest I'm like Yup Yup, and nod along and know I learned it the hard way.
If we totally *&^% up, it doesn't matter! What matters is what you do next. Do you fall back or keep moving forward?
I am making the effort to be grateful in ALL circumstances. Or you will get lost in the darkness. It is very easy to go there. And it is going to take a lot of work and effort and I know that I can not be successful on any level if I am not showing true gratitude to myself and also to the man upstairs.
Cheers
Katie's Whole Wheat Stuffing Recipe
1 cup Butter
3 celery staulks
1/2 onion
15 slices whole wheat bread
2 tbsp fresh sage
2 tbsp fresh thyme
1 cup dried cranberries or raisins
In saucepan cook butter til melted, saute celery and onion in butter until tender.
Tear bread into small cubes in large bowl. stir in 1/3 of the bread cubes into butter mix.
stir in chopped herbs and add dried fruit.
Stuff turkey before roasting or place stuffing into baking dish and cook COVERed for 15 minutes and Uncovered for 15 mintues at 325 degrees.
You're welcome.
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