J.R.R. Tolkien saved my life

Do any of you have a movie or book that is always your go to when you are just down or stressed? Sometimes for me its hunger games, sometimes Harry Potter. But above all my go to movies are the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
I fell in love with the Hobbit in 6th grade. When I checked out the book at the library my teacher told me that it was too advanced for me and I probably shouldn't read it. Well I am the most stubborn person and if someone tells me that I can't do something I am determined to prove them wrong. It was definitely a hard read but I was not going to give up. I ended up liking it and read the whole series.
In high school my mom gave me a tiny TV that had a VCR player and I would play one of the movies every night before I would go to bed.

I bet you are wondering why I would do a post about Lord of the Rings. This is going to be hard for me to explain but I will try. When I used to watch the movies religiously I would get really into the depth of the movie. I thought it was symbolic for me at the time when I was in high school. I was strongly into drugs and alcohol and it was when I was experimenting with heroin. I didn't do it long it was only about a 6 month period and when I did it I was get violently sick. I don't know why but my body would react to it. I still tried doing it because the people around me were doing it and I enjoyed being in their company.
I cleaned up and moved away and shortly after moving to Las Vegas one of my friends who was struggling with this addiction had committed suicide. It was very heart breaking and I had drove up from Las Vegas to be at his funeral. It was very surreal and devastating to lose such a wonderful person. This is when I was realizing the connection of Lord of the Rings and specifically heroin/opiate addiction. 

This is my inspiration for this blog post. We just found out that another one of our good friends from high school has lost his battle to addiction. He was best friends with the person that committed suicide I talked about. Just like the other friend He was an amazing person who was inspiring. He had such trials in his life and he managed to always be a positive person and he was kind to everyone. When we heard the news it devastated Cody and I. Cody was telling me about the guilt and helplessness he felt with this situation. He wished he would have reached out to him or have been a better friend. 

These are normal feelings when you are placed in these circumstances. 

I had to dig through my piles of stuff I kept from High School. I had to write poetry for my English class. I wrote this during the time I was hanging out with the two people I am talking about in this blog post. Here is the poem. 

Heroin 

by Katie 

Our Burdens are getting heavier

we travel through the trees 

all we have to drink is the dampness 

of our spirits

The rain clouds determines your mind 

you wonder if the burden will last 

Day by day you go by 

pitying yourself and others like you 

No one can be trusted 

they betray you in every breath they take 

they lie and deceive 

their promises they swear 

You go on with a little chance of hope 

you feel the blood underneath your  fingers 

as you drag yourself 

across the stinging ground 

your burden is treacherous 

you see yourself in a hundred years 

in darkness 

darker than shadow 

you are almost there

to the black gate of the black city 

where the sweet taste in your mouth 

grows colder 

the cold liquid burns through your veins 

your eyes on fire. 

you tell yourself its not true 

but you caught yourself red handed. 

 It was how I saw a life of a heroin addict.  This was some deep stuff for the 16 year old me, but I am glad that I kept this and have this record of my thoughts during that time of my life.

When it consumes your life and you let it take you, you would become someone like Gollum. It would make someone like Smeagol and take his soul into a creature that you don't recognize. 
Everyone in Middle Earth always recognized and admired the strength of the hobbits and even during such trial times, and temptations of the Ring they stayed stronger than any other race. 
The relationship that Frodo and Sam had was amazing because they were a team and they pushed through together. Frodo wouldn't have made it without Samwise. And he is always been my favorite character of the book. 
Every addict needs a Sam to be right behind them and always keep them from their own weaknesses. Even though Sam couldn't help him with his burden and he desperately wanted to, he relieved the burden when Frodo couldn't go on.  
I love when Samwise saves Frodo from Shelob the giant spider and he tells him,

When a loved one is an addict that is kind of the relationship you have. You have to just stand by and watch someone you love suffer and you feel like it is your responsibility. You go through the guilt and what you could have done differently or to make their life better. You feel totally helpless. It is hard to see hope in your own happiness when they are unhappy. It feels like their failure is your failure and you are tied to their fate. Sam felt guilty and wanted to share the burden of the ring. He wanted to take away his pain. Frodo tried to tell him that it wasn't his burden and he couldn't help. but even with Frodo pushing him away Sam is the one that saved Middle Earth. These feelings of guilt and helplessness just come with the addiction relationship.
Gollum was already past the point of redemption but Frodo was hanging on to the idea that there was still good in him because he didn't want to face the fear in himself that he too would be lost in the darkness like Gollum. Sam had repeatedly told him that he was a liar and a thief, and there wasn't changing him, but Sam still stuck by Frodo even though he chose to keep Gollum around. but it was hard and hurtful for Sam.
Sam also went back to help Frodo even though he sent him away and made him feel like he wasn't wanted or needed. But he knew he was in danger so he went to find him. Sam had literally carried frodo on his back to the last and final stages of ridding the world of evil in Mordor. Frodo and Gollum fought to the death to get this ring and it ended in Gollum's demise because he would rather die with it than let it go.

Well, I really do not think that there is ever a point of no return. There is ALWAYS hope and Samwise tells us that. when he says.

When you are stuck in such darkness, believing there is still good and hanging onto a small amount of hope is the only way you will get yourself through. The addict just can see the eye controlling them and they can't see the light and hope. You need to be a Samwise to show them there is something to fight for. However, we are asked to love and help where we can but we can not force change or recovery if they do not want it.

But I have had to learn this through the battle with Cody's addiction. People have free agency. We can not control people and it is the hardest thing to watch someone you care about suffer. Last night Cody and I had talked about the reality of drugs and how it can affect other people. Because we can't control others actions we sometimes can't control the pain that comes from it. 

All we can do is choose to deal with those feelings when they come. How we react to them and how we control our feelings and minds is where our healing and happiness comes from, and not other people's actions. 

How liberating is it to learn that we aren't responsible for other people? All we are asked of God is to take care of ourselves and to find our strength so we can be a light to other people. It is only our responsibility to love and cherish the time we have with our loved ones. Even though it is not our battle we are expected to help them through theirs. The only way we can be there for others if we choose to take care of ourselves. Whether it is through being an example or through service. 

We will be praying and sending love and light to those families who have lost those people in this hard battle. These were Frodos who were just trying to make it and didn't succeed. but I know that because of the atonement these wonderful people are not lost and they are in a beautiful place. I have a testimony of the unity of our families when we pass, and that we have the opportunities to be saved. There is hope always with our Savior. 

When I was going through a hard time while Cody was gone working in Las Vegas and I felt like I was barely afloat I was watching the Hobbit- battle of the five armies almost every night to help me to sleep. I do not like sleeping by myself. I would fall asleep and then when the credits came I woke up because I would hear this song. It is probably the most beautiful song and when we heard about our friend this song came to my mind. 

The actor that played Pippin in the lord of the Rings wrote this song for the ending of the Hobbit Trilogy and combing the 6 movies together as one. 

The Last Goodbye by Billy Boyd

Lyrics

I saw the light fade from the sky
On the wind I heard a sigh
As the snowflakes cover
My fallen brothers
I will say this last goodbye

Night is now falling
So ends this day
The road is now calling
And I must away

Over hill and under tree
Through lands where never light has shone
By silver streams that run down to the sea

Under cloud, beneath the stars
Over snow and winter's morn
I turn at last to paths that lead home

And though where the road then takes me,
I cannot tell
We came all this way
But now comes the day
To bid you farewell

Many places I have been
Many sorrows I have seen
But I don't regret
Nor will I forget
All who took that road with me

Night is now falling
So ends this day
The road is now calling
And I must away

Over hill, and under tree
Through lands where never light has shone
By silver streams that run down to the sea

To these memories I will hold
With your blessing I will go
To turn at last to paths that lead home

And though where the road then takes me,
I cannot tell
We came all this way
But now comes the day
To bid you farewell

I bid you all a very fond farewell

watch the YouTube video HERE