car accident 2015

The past couple of posts about my personal life have been leading up to this post about what has been going on in my life for the past couple of years. I have been going back and forth about whether I want to share any of this but I am just going to do it and get it over with. I never know who knows our situation and who doesn't, so I am going to make it clear to people who may not understand why Cody and I have had such a hard time recently.

My husband has struggled with a prescription pill addiction.

This is what inspired me to start my blog again. My intentions with sharing is not husband bashing or sympathy, but I want one of my readers to relate and feel hope in a similar situation that I have been in.
 I am appreciative of this challenge because I have learned and grown so much. I know there are many people out there that struggle with addiction and we need to talk about it because it can be very painful and sometimes you aren't sure what you are supposed to do. There isn't a right answer for everyone and it is a hard struggle because sometimes it feels like there isn't any hope.
It has tested my faith and also my marriage, and I know now that I can love my husband through sickness and health. I want you to know if you are going through this that there is hope. And  you are not alone in those feelings and emotions that come with living with an addictive spouse.


My last post about being a mompreneur I talked mostly about the year 2014 when we moved from Las Vegas to Utah and things were starting to go downhill for us. I lost my t shirt business and rebranded myself to make money.

The year 2015 turned even harder than I thought could even be possible. We have had challenges and struggles but this struggle of my life made all other trials seem minimal in comparison. Cody and I were doing really bad and I was seriously considering divorce for the first time. I had never pictured my life without him. I realized how much I depended on him because I was starting to fall apart and it was because I felt like I wasn't whole. When I looked into Cody's eyes he was not there. Everything about him and who he was as a person was gone and it felt like mourning the loss of my husband.
 I had suspicions of drugs and asked him numerous times if it was and he would look me in the eyes and tell me that it wasn't. I was on a mission to get him to confess or prove he was doing drugs and he just wouldn't admit it. I would even catch him doing things and he would still come up with lies. My dad was telling me that it was drugs and I was trying to convince him that it wasn't because I didn't want anyone to think badly of my husband. And I didn't want to believe that such a good person could do something so wrong. I was trying to treat Cody innocent until proven guilty, but I could't prove it so I was focusing myself on just being there for him when he asked, but he never did.

At this point we had $0.00 and I was far too afraid to ask anyone for money. I had looked around my house and saw a lot of STUFF. I have always been an stuff collector.  I sold off a lot of my things. At first it was hard to let go of some of the things that I really loved and wanted to keep but I saw it making money so I kept doing it. This is how I found one of my most dear friends today because she was buying a lot of my stuff. The more I sold the more I felt good about the fact I could make money and also made me feel good to clear out all the clutter in my home. Things became just stuff to me and I didn't care anymore. My bedroom became bare, down to just a mattress and clothes on my floor, my living room down to a couch and a TV on the ground, and we even didn't have a kitchen table but my grandpa let me use an old pioneer table of his. And I kind of loved it. It was such an humbling experience. Because I still had enough and my family.

I was on an emotional roller coaster where one day I would be certain that I was going to stick to my marriage and then the next day I was very certain that it just had to end. When I prayed about it I was asking for a very direct answer but didn't get any real direction. The feeling I got was that it was my decision and he was going to help me through whatever I chose. I was such a mess emotionally and I didn't want to see  anyone so I pretty much isolated myself. Cody was always gone, and when he was there we would just fight. I had finally decided to see what it would take for a divorce and looking online for some kind of DIY paperwork because I didn't have money and I was scared to involve my parents or anyone in the process. The reason I needed legal papers was because Cody was not being rational when it came to the kids and he wouldn't agree on any terms. I told Cody it was time and he broke down and was on his knees and begging me to stay and that he was going to do better.

July 4, 2015 I took a pregnancy test because I had missed a period and was feeling sick for a long time and I just knew that is what it was. I feel terrible about this, but I was not happy about the pregnancy and it was very unexpected. Cody hadn't even wanted to touch me in months and we call her our miracle baby because we don't know how it happened. But it gave us both a wake up call. I thought that I was going to be able to work and make it on my own without Cody but now with being pregnant it changed the whole game. I could not work being pregnant because I get HG and become debilitated and sick for months of my pregnancy. I now needed Cody desperately because I could not take care of the kids being sick.

I soon starting throwing up 5 or 6 times a day and was trying to keep my kids fed and still trying to sell things to make money and my body was not handling it well. My mom was doing politics at the time and she helped when she could. My mom is always willing to help her children and has always held me together, but during this time she was busy and I just had my dad to help. My dad would vacuum or just come play with the kids or just come and talk to me and see how I was doing. He brought me some soup and I don't know what I would have done without my dad. And then I was assigned some new visiting teachers and these ladies were so selfless and brought me food, came and cleaned my bathrooms, and dishes once or twice a week. They were angels from heaven and they took care of me. I have a testimony and understanding of the importance of visiting teaching because of these ladies and the service to me.

I felt like Cody was away even more because of all the stress he had to help me at home and with the kids and when I didn't think things could get worse, they did.  Cody was going on a fishing trip with the kids for his dad's birthday. We had yet another fight about drugs, and why he was always tired and I told him I was scared he was going to fall asleep at the wheel and begged him to not go. He left anyway and I was just sobbing for hours with just Rae and me throwing up by myself worried about my kids.
I get a call from Cody long after I was expecting him home. He was crying so hard he couldn't talk to me. He just said,"Katie we had an accident." My heart sank and my brain went cloudy. The EMT took the phone from Cody and she said,"Your family was in an accident and we need to meet you at the Provo hospital." I asked if they were okay and she just said your son is going to need some checking over. So of course I think the worst and starting freaking out and called my mom and I couldn't even tell her what happened because I was crying so hard. My parents dropped everything and came to my house. They were there in probably 10 minutes but it was the longest 10 minutes of my life.
When my parents got there they calmed me down. They were telling me that I can't panic or lose it until I know what had happened. I knew that at least Cody was okay. I wanted to strangle him and hold him at the same time. We got to the hospital and it was an eternity waiting for the ambulance to get there. When I saw Cody he wouldn't even look me in the eyes. Cody went with Zion and I went with Sage. They checked sage over and the EMT's kept saying things like, "These kids are so lucky." and "Those seat belts saved these kids lives." and "This could have been so much worse."  I was still sick from being pregnant and I was just trying my best to not throw up. Once they assured me that Sage was okay with just some cuts and bruises, I ran to Zion's room and he just looked horrible. They had him stripped to his underwear and checking everything over.
When I came to the bedside I saw Zion's face go from terrified to comforted when he saw me. I tried not to panic or cry seeing him because I needed Zion to know that he didn't need to feel scared. I just asked him questions about fishing. If he caught any fish and what color life jacket he got to wear this time and he was just giving me nods. He finally says, "Mom, my stomach hurts really bad." I wanted so badly to comfort Zion and take all his pain away. I felt helpless and didn't know what to do for him. I tried to give Cody a hug and he wouldn't give me one back and it hurt because I knew Cody was not going to open up to me after fighting about this exact thing that I said would happen.
They did a cat scan on Zion to check for internal bleeding and the waiting was so hard. We just had to wait for results and were not sure how bad his condition was. Once they gave us the okay to go home we finally took the kids home and I couldn't sleep that night. I was watching them breathe as they slept. I was scared that something was going to happen.

Cody and I tried to talk that night but he was in shock from the accident and obviously PTSD because he was so gone mentally. He told me the story of the accident. He had gotten tired so he pulled over and took a nap with the car running. He woke up and started driving and fell asleep again and he lost control and went off a jump and the van rolled 4 or 5 times. He kicked out the window and people were right there to help him get the kids out. The people helping just happened to be two EMTs off duty and knew exactly what to do. They pulled some blankets and laid everyone down and the tried to send Zion via helicopter but Cody insisted they all stayed together. I thank god that these angels were there to help my family.

After the accident Cody was even more distant. During all of this difficult time and pain I knew that Cody was suffering but it was a deep pain for me and I didn't want to bring up all the other problems that was going on. I continued to pretend that everything was going to be okay and put on a fake face for everyone. I tried so hard to not let my kids see the pain in me and I didn't want all of this mess to affect the kids. So many decisions and pressure was on me and I just wanted everyone to be happy again.

Cody believed that he was keeping all of this secret from me. That is the thing that I wish most is that Cody didn't try so hard to keep it a secret. Addictions thrive in secrecy and I was trying to understand why he wouldn't tell me. I would be sobbing and begging him to tell me what was going on with him and no matter what I did he wouldn't talk to me.  It felt like that he didn't love me anymore and didn't want to be around me. I still loved him but I didn't want to try so hard to make a marriage work if he was desperate to leave. I thought that a divorce would finally free Cody. But when I talked about it he wouldn't have that for our answer. I really didn't want to but I didn't know how to go on. We had started to go to a life coach and this was the only way I was able to get through my days. After this was probably the hardest time for our marriage.



Addictions are so hard, and they affect the people around you. I have had problems when I was young with drugs and alcohol, and I have had family members who have struggled with addiction but having your spouse as an addict and also with children. is totally different for me. It is the person who you need and want to hold you during such difficult pain, and they are the same person who is causing it. This experience gave me emotions I never thought was possible. And learned to only go through life one hour at a time.

 If you are struggling with an addiction I beg you to stop living in secrecy and ask for help. It is the only way you can start your path to recovery. The affects of addiction can get extreme really fast and you don't need to wait until something bad happens before you decide to get better. It could be too late.
If you are willing to get help I found the best place to go is here. Go to a meeting place near you and they will have the best support and guidance for you in your recovery. There are many people who want to help and are waiting with open arms but you have to ask.

Everybody wants happiness, nobody wants pain, but you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain.

Unknown

natural remedies

I have been wanting to write about the natural stuff that goes on at the bushell house for a while now and I just haven't done it. so I have decided I need to stop putting it off and just jump in. I think I was hesitating because I have so much info that I am not sure where to start. We gave a couple sick people in the house so I thought I would write as we go and show you what we did at our house.

+++NOTE+++
I am a mom of four and I have used most of these remedies on my family. If I haven't tried it I will say that I don't have personal experience. I am hoping that by sharing my experiences that I may be able to help another family. What I have come to understand about the human body is that NO TWO ARE THE SAME. Where one remedy may work wonders another person will get different results. It is always important to get all the possibilities and use the right one. If your instincts tell you to use natural or modern medicine please do so. I know that most good parents are just trying to do what is best for their children. Please do not hold me accountable if something doesn't work out for you. I am not advertising for any specific brands. but I typically use dr. christopher's tinctures and formulas and the oils I like are young living, doterra, ameo, and garden essence.


What do we know about cold and flues? We know that they are a virus. And there isn't any known cure for viruses such as these. There is type A,B, and C. A is one that can be transmitted through animals (bird,swine) and type B is only transmitted through humans. C is less severe and sometimes you don't know you are carrying it. B and C do not cause epidemics.
A cold is caused by a rhinovirus and there is so many strains that there is really nothing the body can do to be immune the the common cold.
So what do we do? build our immune systems!
Wash your hands often. It is simple but a very good "natural" way to prevent illness. If your family does get sick, you are not a bad parent and you didn't do anything wrong. Even when we do every possible thing to keep us from getting sick sometimes we do get it. We are mortals. So I will tell you how to try and prevent and then what to do when it happens.


Good diet:
 The number one thing I do for us is do not eat any processed foods with preservatives and other chemicals. Our digestive health does have a lot to do with our immune system with the gut flora and digestive enzymes. When our bodies are too busy trying to break down foods that are too harsh on the intestines all of the energy is going towards digestion and leaves our body weak in other areas.


Essential Oils: (please note that I PERSONALLY use oils on my kids and you may find other information that says otherwise. please make sure you do research before you put EO's on your children)
 My favorite for immunity is Thieves from Young Living and On Guard from Doterra.
Another brand I started using is Garden Essence and their immune booster is called X-Plague.
Another thing I use regularly for my kids is an eucalytpus salve that is like a natural "vicks."
At night I use that and the essential oils on my kids feet and put socks on them during a time where I think they are exposed to any sickness and also continue this remedy when they do get sick.
Another oil that I love is the oil called "breathe" it has worked miracles for Sage. One time Sage got a cough and it lasted weeks if not months. Every single night Sage would wake up and just cough and it was preventing her from getting a good sleep. I had considered asthma and looked everywhere for mold or something that she could be allergic to. I went to the health food store and they didn't have that many ideas for me. and so I went to a Naturopathic Doctor (ND) and he said that her lungs do sound a bit weezy and could have acute asthma. I prayed about it and asked if I could find the answer for sage's condition and I found Doterras Breathe. I used on her feet with the "On Guard" and salve and that very night she slept like a baby.

I would also invest in a good diffuser. I use this thing every day. For a long time I was using the On Guard and my kids were still getting sick so I thought how could this work if my kids are still getting sick? I asked a friend who was a Oil distributor and she asked how often I used it. I told her I didn't know, maybe every once in a while. She told me that I needed to use it everyday as a defense because it quickly absorbs into the skin and needs to be reapplied to get the results. So I decided to have it going in my diffuser and I put it in my cleaning supplies and I found a much bigger difference.


Supplements:
I use  Dr. Christopher's Kid-E-Well as well as his Immune response formula. It is basically liquid echinacea. for babies this one is perfect because you can drop it in their mouths. I use it when they are not sick and when they are.

For a Cough

I use honey and cinnamon on a spoon for a cough and it quiets it immediately. Honey is your new best friend when you are sick. I also recommend a elderberry syrup or tincture.
NOTE: DO NOT USE HONEY ON CHILDREN UNDER ONE. There are a bacteria in honey called "spores." It can be deadly for a child that comes in contact with it. Over that age it is a very beneficial tool. It is extremely rare for a child to be allergic to honey. In fact it is a natural way to combat season allergies and also if you have food poisoning take honey to help ease the stomach.



When I get sick I immediately run for garlic. It is the most powerful food and it is a strong antibiotic. The best thing about it is that it is an antibiotic that will not kill off the good bacteria you need like a synthetic antibiotic does. The greek culture used to give garlic to their champions in the olympics because they believed it made them strong. They would just eat the raw garlic cloves.
The easiest way to take garlic is dried and capsule that you can get at the health food store. But if you really need to get better fast you can try and stomach a garlic clove and it will kick your sickness fast. Or what I have done is add a few cloves to a smoothie and drink it. It is very strong and really not that great so I have just choked it down. But having four little kids I just can't get sick. They depend too much on me and I need to be healthy for them.
I also drink echinacea tea and pound lots of vitamin C like emergenC and vitamin C supplements. if I have a sore throat I make lemon tea with honey. 

Garlic is also going to be your go to for ear infections. I have personal experience with this because I have had very bad ear infections. Fortunately, my kids have never once got an ear infection.
I get garlic oil from Dr. Christophers herb shop and warm it up under hot tap water, and put some drops into my ear and lay down. An important thing is to put the oil in both ears. When I had a very bad infection and put it in it started to burn. I thought I was going to die for a minute and thought that was the worst idea. but after about 10 minutes all of the pain was gone. I didn't feel anything and it was the only relief I had felt in about a week. I put oil in both ears and laid down about 10 minutes in each side and about a week later I had cured my infection.

Rashes
The worst thing is when your child develops a rash because it can be very simple and it can be very dangerous so as parents we immediately panic when we see it. It all depends on the many factors as to where it is on the body, is it itchy, does it go away when you rub the skin, is it raised, or is it bumps. Once you can understand what the good and bad rashes are you can help the rash at home. Some common ones are lavender essential oil, diluted on the skin. Again remember use EO's carefully. Oatmeal baths are great. You can put some oatmeal in a cheesecloth and tie it and then put it in the bath with them and also epsom salt baths. And also we know that aloe vera is a great way of relieving sun burns, it is also about to help cure hives or the hot heated rashes.

cuts/burns
What I have used on my kids is a goldenseal root powder that you can put on your kids cuts and it will dry it out to make sure it doesn't get an infection. A good thing to have in your First aid kit at home is cayenne pepper. I am not talking about the store bought kind on the spice section but from a health food store. If you have a gushing open wound and you cant get it to stop bleeding throw the cayenne powder on the wound. It will actually be a pain reliever and also clot the blood and stop the bleeding fast. And then I would get them to a hospital to see if they need stitches.
If you child burns themselves on the stove or a curling iron. Immediately grab for your lavender. The sooner the better but if you coat the burn in lavender it will lessen the pain and speed up healing.

There are many great alternatives to curing common ailments in your home and I think it is an important thing to learn as a mother to heal things at home. When you have basic knowledge about viruses, fevers, rashes, infections,etc You won't panic and make fast decisions when it comes to their health. My personal decision is to treat things first naturally and then go from there but if you're child needs medical attention then it is important to understand when it is an emergency.Teaching your children that they have wonderful bodies that know how to heal itself and encourage your own body's natural healing it can help them as adults, and empowering for them to trust in themselves.

I hope this helps!
peace and love xoxo

Challenges of Mompreneur

Last time I talked a little about my personal life and reflecting on how I got to the place I am today. Writing things down has helped me get my thoughts together and maybe understand them myself. Things got so ugly so fast and I am still figuring out how I let my life get so out of control. I am still finding that path of what career I am going to take, but there has always been one thing for sure and that is I was going to be a mom. It has always been my calling.

I went to my first Tuesdays Together meeting and it is entrepeneurs coming together and giving each other advice and talk about our businesses. The topic that month was the "why" and how we started. And what makes us do the things we love about our business. My very first thought for all of my business ventures was for my kids.

During the times of having babies I was working on and off with massage therapy and I was glad that I was always able to fall back on that when we needed it. But I have a passion for knitting and crochet so I started making a thousand beanies and scarves and got the idea to sell them. I am not a business woman so it was a long and difficult process and I would put in many hours into this business with very little results. I decided I needed to add something to my business and started a clothing line "It's Ok Apparel." I had intentions for this brand to start a movement and I really wanted to make a difference with my clothes and be able to donate to charities.

We moved to Utah and I was for the first time in a while really happy. We had made money from selling our house, and we were going to be close to our family. I was excited to take the kids hiking and camping. I had bought tons of camping gear including a trailer. We were having so much fun as a family and Cody wasn't working because we both agreed he needed some time off. But when he started spending a lot of money and wasn't having any income I started to panic and got really serious about my clothing line. I depended on Cody to print the t shirts and so it was getting stressful and really affecting our relationship. When I would get an order and he wouldn't get it done I would have unhappy customers and then I wasn't able to sleep and was so stressed. I felt like I deserved his support when he was choosing not to work.

 I was cyber bullied when I made the decision to donate to a charity that I wanted to be a part of. I had done a few of them before with my shirts but I donated to parents who lost their child that got hit by a car and he was only 4 years old. I had followed this mom's blog and my heart ached for her so I made the decision to donate the profits of some shirts and posted a picture that I was smiling in on instagram. So many people were calling me bad names that I still can't really understand. I guess because my picture reflected that I was happy about this unfortunate situation and looking for a way to benefit my business. They also said that "It's Ok" is the worst thing you can say to someone who is grieving. Which really hurt me because that is the direction I was going with in my business. I then believed some of the things they were saying and I had a lot of negative thoughts about myself. I began to wonder about my intentions and if I was a good person or if I was just donating to get praise or fame from it.  It was such a horrible experience. I even got lots of new followers that were just trying to follow the drama of it and I had to stop posting for a while.  It was stomach wrenching pain and is hard to look back on. I think of this quote.

"Some people hate you only because of how other people love you."

 I tried to talk to Cody about how hurtful this was and he was not any help in this area of my life during this difficult time. I was starting to feel us drifting apart and it scared me.

I had to make a really important decision for our family and I had prayed about the business and what part of me I should be putting into it. I remember the very night that I chose to quit the business and it was such a relieving feeling. I felt the weight off my shoulders and I had to trust that God was going to take care of me. I was financially stressed and I was nervous about letting go of our only little income.
 It was a depressing time for me because all my spare time and money had been put into this business.  And I really loved doing it. I got to use my art skills for designing the shirts and I loved going to the mountains with my kids to take pictures and enjoy time together. It was a really hard thing for me to let go. but I knew that my relationship with Cody and being a less stressed mom to my kids was much more important. I still sometimes wonder if I would have kept doing it where I would have been or what would have happened. but it was then I realized how bad Cody and I's marriage had gotten and I felt so far away from him and I really needed him back.



"Loneliness doesn't come from having no one around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that are important to you. "
-Carl Jung


So then I decided to throw myself back into my knitting because I could do this mostly on my own without needing his help and hoping to relieve some pressure off of him. I re-branded myself and named it Cold Pine Knits.  There was pressure to make money and I felt like I was starting to lose myself with who I was as a designer. I was also afraid to put myself out there again in fear of failure. It is hard to put yourself out there and really show who you are and hope that people will accept it. I couldn't afford to pay for models/photographers so I was awkwardly posting selfies of myself and trying to not reflect how horrible my circumstances were turning. I was trying hard to keep my family together as much as I knew how and I was able to come in contact with amazing people who were very supportive and wanted to help my brand. These people are always in my prayers and I still thank them to this day. From photography, website design, with setting up for markets, and buying my products. I started feeling a little hope that I could maybe make it. All winter long I was doing lots of handmade markets and made enough money for Christmas and helping with keeping the water, lights, gas, and some groceries. I was humbled that I was able to find a talent that I could utilize so I was able to make it through this hard time. I believed that it was going to be a short season of financial struggles so it kept me going that I only had to hold on a little longer. but it turned out to be much longer than anticipated and progressively getting worse all the time.
During all of this I was trying so hard to get Cody back into my life. He was always gone and he was lying about where he went. When he did come home we were just fighting. He also started to not sleep in our bed anymore and I really needed him. I was sleeping alone for a while and things slowly spiraled from there. We started going to a life coach that was really helping me get through some hard times.
All of the events soon took a turn and it made me see the strength in myself and found a new way to be creative in making money. I looked around my life and trying to see things for what they were and I had started to sell off my furniture,clothing, toys, decorations, etc. because I needed money desperately. I was also too prideful to ask for help from anyone around me and no one knew for a long time about my situation. And it was entirely my fault that I made myself be so alone.  I saw how I was blessed to have so many things and I really didn't need any of them. I just needed my family and nothing else mattered.
I have always had a passion for weddings and saw my antiques as being able to rent them and still keep some of my favorite collections and not sell them off. I had hit bottom I am grateful for it because it inspired me to find myself and who I want to be. I am crossing my fingers that it will work out for me this time. and that is how Havenwood Wedding Rental & Design was born.

www.facebook.com/havenwoodweddingrentals

Be Careful about what you think, your thoughts run your life.
proverbs 4:23

photos by Courtney Campbell Photography

dark cloud

There has been a very dark cloud over my head for a really long time. I am finally seeing a glimmer of light and trying to sort things out. As I have been doing some recent soul searching and figuring out how to heal the wounds, all I am getting is God telling me to write. I do not know what he wants me to write or how much he wants me to share, but I am just going to start doing it. I am going to share some personal things in hopes that I may be able to relate to someone, or help someone understand that everything can be healed with our heavenly father if we seek it. But I don't think I am ready for getting all the criticism you get from posting things on social media.  so bear with me as I write some things that are hard for me to write about.


Ether 12

 25 Thou hast also made our words powerful and great, even that we cannot write them; wherefore, when we write we behold our weakness, and stumble because of the placing of our words; and I fear lest the Gentiles shall mock at our words.

 26 And when I had said this, the Lord spake unto me, saying: Fools mock, but they shall mourn; and my grace is sufficient for the meek, that they shall take no advantage of your weakness;

 27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.
So where do I even begin telling my story? I think I should start with childhood I suppose.  My parents have done their very best with what they had. They have gone through some tough times and they always come out the other end. I was one of those challenges that they had to trust God through because I was an awful kid. I rebelled for the sake of rebelling.
I would run away and make my parents worry sick about me all night long. My poor dad went through so much anxiety every night I would leave, wondering if I would be home on time. He would knock on everyone's door that I knew looking for me. I know that my dad would never give up trying to find me. I hated it at the time because I didn't want to be found, But how lucky am I to have parents that care so much about me? There is nothing that I could do that would make my mom not be there for me, or fight for me.

 I have never wanted to admit the depression that I went through in my younger years because I see it as a weakness. Even now as an adult I don't like saying that I am depressed, and refuse to believe it or I fake my way through it. Recently someone told me, "Katie, you are always smiling but you are so sad in your eyes. I can see it and you can't fool me with it. Start owning your feelings and say I'm not okay." I have never had someone be so honest with me before and at first I was pretty shocked. And I just started bawling. She said ,"You need to take care of yourself or you are going to fall apart." And I went home and was determined to take care of myself but the problem is, I don't even know what that means. And then I was bummed again. I can't take care of myself because I don't have a clue as how to do that. and I guess that is my current journey in finding that healing I need and blogging might be the first step in getting there. And as I continue to find those things I will blog about it, in hopes that I can help others take care of themselves in the most healthy way.

 I started turning to drugs and alcohol when I was 11 years old. I remember the first time I took a drink and I really enjoyed it. I wanted to numb the pains I had and I started taking any mind altering substance I could  because I just wanted to feel nothing.
Junior high is hard for a lot of kids. I know most of you remember the awkward moments where you are trying to find your friends and figure out who you were. I was so self conscious about myself that I couldn't even socialize without having some kind of drug. I felt more confident and it made me forget the pain for a moment.  I think that was probably one of the loneliest times of my life because I felt like I had so much to hide. I wanted attention so bad, but yet I didn't want anyone to look at me at the same time. I really didn't know what I wanted and I was getting it from all the wrong places. I had way too many stupid boyfriends or bad friends that were just not who I needed in my life.  It is a time in my life that I really don't want to go back to but I think that the things I have been going through now, I realized that some of the hard things I went though then has prepared me for some of the darkest things to come.

When I reached a point in my life that I really wanted to give up Cody all of a sudden came into my life at the most important time. I know that it was fate and everything fell into place. He was my sun and I really didn't need anything but him.
We fell so hard in love.
I just knew he loved the real me and I felt like I didn't have to hide anymore. I knew everything would be fine now that he was with me, and I felt safe. We were in this together and there wasn't anything that would keep us apart. While I was finishing the last few months of high school it was difficult because all I could think about was Cody. I would drive down to Vegas and he would drive up to me even if it was for a few hours. About a week after graduation I moved down to live with him and he was a total bum and unemployed but I just wanted to be with him. I saw the potential in him and talent he has.
In the beginning years it was a rocky road.  We were very different and believed in and wanted different things. It took us a while to realize that all of those little things didn't matter because we were so in love, and we got married after living together for three years. It was the time right after high school that you had to figure out what political party you were a part of, and what college to go to, and what jobs we had to find to pay the rent. We were teaching each other about everything we had figured out so far. It was difficult but I am glad that we had each other to figure all that stuff out. It was after we had Zion that we realized we weren't young kids anymore and we really had to figure out life,because we had to teach little people about the world. It was when I realized I needed to find God again and needed guidance through this life. Cody got baptized and we got sealed together right after having sage. It was a beautiful day that I will never forget. 

Cody has always been a good provider and supporter of me through my adventures. He supported me while I went to massage therapy school. He allowed me to stay home with my kids because that was something important to me. He always listened to my outrageous business ventures even though they were totally lame sometimes. I still want to invent a self filling thermos though.
 He always wanted to work but his job required times of not having work and getting laid off for half the year. When Zion was born he was unemployed.when Sage was born he was unemployed. When Rae was born he was unemployed, and yes even when Betty was born he was unemployed. And I can complain and say how hard it was and the times we really didn't know how our financial situation would work out.  I would have to go back to work pregnant, or find ways to get cash to stay at home with the kids but all of it has shown us how much strength we have and I am sincerely grateful for those challenges we had to go through.

I don't think I am ready to share some of the recent personal experiences that I have gone through just yet, or at least not all the details. I will slowly revisit some of the wounds over the past couple of years with you, and also the spiritual growth that I have had to face. but I can say that I have learned even more, I have seen my strength even more, I am grateful even more and I have loved Cody harder than ever before.
When you see someone going through something hard the very best thing for you to do is be there for them. Instead of advice tell them you will be by their side with whatever they chose to do. And that they are doing a great job given what their circumstances are. When you are in a deep despair you will believe all the negative things that satan is telling you. And it is needed for someone to say that you are a strong person and you can do this. All of this I have learned because I went thought this. You don't need to go through the same things as someone to understand that there are going to be hard times. And the same rules apply to anyone going through a hardship and that is showing unconditional love.
One day at a time, sometimes even one hour at a time. If everything is falling apart, then find one thing that is right and hang on to it. Try to let go of whatever is bringing you down, and completely give your trust in God and believe he will take care of it. We don't need to ask our Heavenly Father to correct the situation but simply asking him to ease the pain a little and sit with you for a moment can just be enough to get you through your hour.

  I need thee every hour; stay thou nearby;
temptations lose their power when thou art nigh.

 I need thee, O I need thee;
every hour I need thee;
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to thee.

I am going to try and blog about once a week and share what I feel like I need to, but not sure if I can do it. Currently rae just spilled chocolate milk and sage and zion are fighting. So to start with I will post when I can. And this post took me like three days.

I am very into quotes and I think they are great for you to read to help you get through tough times. and I will end my post with this one.

“Go back?” he thought. “No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!”
          -bilbo baggins 

The Perfect No-Fridge Sugar Cookies

So I decided I need to blog again. I just turned 27 and I am not sure how I feel about it. I have never really cared about getting old or having birthdays. I have always looked so young that it has actually been annoying and frustrating that I am 27 and people just stare and gawk at me at the grocery store with a bunch of littles hanging on me. but now I am in my "late 20s" and I don't think I get the credit for all the experience I have had because people assume I am 16.
On my birthday I realized that I did everything that I ever wanted to do and I have accomplished a lot.
I have always considered myself a glass half full kind of person but I realized that I wasn't as much as I thought. I am going to be the person I want to be and that is being more positive and counting the blessings that I have instead of dwelling on the things that are always going wrong.
I am going to try actually blogging because I think it would make me happy to share with you all some of the things that I have learned, believe in, have discovered, DIY stuff I try. No particular theme or purpose at all. I also just got my first iphone and I have iphone syndrome where I think I am a photographer.
So I was so happy that it snowed finally here in utah and it sparked me with delight. and we made sugar cookies with every kind of cookie cutter we had. every holiday so we can celebrate everything and we put on lego movie to cuddle.

One reason why I want to quickly blog tonight is because I was too lazy to look up my many pins on pinterest for sugar cookie recipes so I decided to whip out my own and see how it worked out.

This is how it went and they turned out PERFECT no fridge required


2 sticks Sprouts brand organic unsalted butter (soft)
1 cup raw sugar
2 1/2 cup white UNbleached flour (sprouts has sales for 69 cents a lb)
1 tsp vanilla (I make my own with alcohol and raw vanilla beans)
1 tsp baking soda
2 eggs


IMPORTANT:  blend sugar and butter first and mix well. add the eggs and vanilla and mix until smooth.

in another bowl add 1 1/2 cup flour and the baking soda and stir. add the mixture to the wet mixture.
when mixed slowly add another 1 cup of flour to the mix until it is a fluffy soft mixture.

use flour on the counter to help the dough not be sticky to cut out your shapes and use spatula to place on cookie sheet.

bake at 350 degrees for about 10-12 minutes.

(other recipes bake at 8-10 at 400 but I think it makes them softer if they cook slower)

here are a few pics with my phone


I hope you try them!


Happy February 21st

Sage's 3rd Snow White Party

Sage's third birthday party was a blast. It was a lot of work but that is how I do things. Stressful. Everyone around me is like "why don't you go to costco and get some cake, balloons and paper plates? "
That just makes me cringe to think about. I know that works for most people and I just can't do that. Things have to be handmade and unique and different, and I am not sure what I did without pinterest. So many cute ideas. I haven't thrown sage a party before because we didn't have family and because it wasn't worth the stress when she wasn't really old enough.
Sage loves all princesses and she is a bit obsessed. She also would rather dress up as a princess than play with a princess doll or barbie. I don't mind it because I love growing up loving disney and I think it is so fun for little girls. but I hate when girls want to dress up for halloween as princesses and princess parties because they are princesses everyday. I think the same thing about zion and his batman.
I really wanted to do a magician themed party because she loves Sofia the first and she loves the magic and Cedric. but I priced a magician and it was just not in our budget at the time. I loved talking with sage about what colors and what cake she wanted and sage was really into her party.
So I was excited about sage's party because I chose Snow White themed and sage was currently obsessed with snow white. I bought her a darling dress from Zulily and I based the entire party around that.
The colors were red, yellow, and blue and I did a woodland theme for a more "snow white and the huntsman."
And I need to thank over and over again my friend Natalie because she drove down to make Sage's party absolutely perfect. She dressed up as Rapunzel for us because she had the costume from a halloween a while back and I thought of her for sage's party. I didn't care what princess it was because I mean, it doesn't matter to sage.
So I had sage in her beautiful snow white dress I bought and when she made her grand entrance she wore her sofia dress she got from grandma. She still looked absolutely darling but it kind of threw off the theme. but when I took pictures of her with rapunzel they turned out so perfect.
right before rapunzel got there someone was yelling to me that sage got stung by a bee! I ran inside and put some clay on her foot and wrapped tape over it. Sage is such a trooper she stopped crying and felt better quickly to enjoy her party. when we went back out rapunzel was there to greet her and her face was priceless. she wouldn't leave her side the whole time.

 

Rapunzel was such a hit! The girls and boys loved her. Even Zion and that is saying something. They all talked about her for days afterwards. I know there are party rentals that you can hire a princess and they can be pricy so I am really grateful for her. 

We also had a "party crasher" that we had no idea who the kid was. And he was stalking Rapunzel the whole time. I kind of felt bad for her but she thought it was funny. 

Food

I thought really hard about the food. because I wanted it to be snow white.

of coarse I had candied apples because you can't have a snow white party with out apples. We went on a hike with the kids to find the sticks and we made them a couple days before and just covered them.

we did deli sandwiches to make it super easy. and I got the idea from pinterest to do the veggies in a cup.  

 I loved the milk bottles for the drinks but there wasn't enough. next time I will make sure we have a lot of paper cups on hand as well.

balloons, plates, and straws were from zurchers party store. I like them because they have every color you can imagine. 

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The party hats I handmade and they really weren't worth it.  I got some felt and made the hats with the kids. the pom poms were the worst part because I hand sewn them on. The idea behind these were the "dwarves" and they would be running around in their cute little hats. I was trying to save time so I didn't go buy stretchy string just regular and that is what made them so hard to stay on. so they were cute anyway!

the bean bag game was really fun for all ages 

I wish I would have got more pictures of the centerpieces because they were super magical and fun. We had vases with flowers and owls and bunnies. I wanted to light candles but thought it would be a bit dangerous with the kids. and also cans of popcorn for snacking on too. 

My husband didn't like this idea because he had to do it. but I found some hay bales for about $6 a piece. they were originally going to be tables for the kids to eat at, but they turned out to be seats and it was better because there wasn't many places to sit. so we threw out some blankets in front and it was a good way for socializing.

 The cake was absolutely beautiful. Better than I would have thought. I had cody's sister Kristie make it because she is a talented chef and she is such a sweetheart for doing it for her. For some reason I thought that she was going to make cupcakes too so we would have some to pass out so I didn't make any. I thought we would have a bunch of angry sugar seeking children that we wouldn't have enough cake. My husband is such a good daddy and goes into the kitchen and looks up a recipe and makes home made cupcakes in about 30 minutes. The kids loved them and they were hopped up on sugar with blue covered mouths.

sage's blue covered mouth and worn out from her evening of turning 3.

Uinta Mountains Oct 2014

Every post I always say...."I need to get around to blogging more." and again...I hate blogging because computers are not my friend. but I will post about our hike to the Uintas because it was a long drive and very beautiful up there and it is worth sharing. I live-eat-breathe for mountains and I feel like I am trapped if I do not get to be elevated. It is so important for me I can't even describe it. I am so happy to be back in my element and have lots of adventures with the kids in Utah. When we moved here I spent money on camelbaks, hiking shoes, a baby carrier, and all the essentials for adventuring. I plan on getting a huge collection and force my kids to go. Although I don't have to because they love the mountains just as much as me. We have drug them through hot Zion national Park hikes and freezing hikes and they are always good sports and never complain.

I was trying to go to a lake called Dean's Lake that I went to in High School but I had no idea where it was and I think it is a couple hour hike. So I googled easy hikes for kids in the Uintas and everyone said that Ruth Lake was an easy fast hike to a great lake. 

So I packed lunches and off we went. We got a little lost at first because it's been a while since I've been there but we found the canyon and we got to drive a long long way until we got to Ruth lake. We got to enjoy all the gorgeous fall trees and colors and then when we didn't see anything but pines and snow I knew we were going to be high up. we had a few jackets and hats in the car so fortunately we were some what warm. 

When we got to the lake it was so fun but very quickly turned freezing cold and had to run back down. I was holding Raelyn close to me for warmth because I was so worried about her but as I was running down the hill the bouncing must have been relaxing because she fell asleep. I wasn't trying to be careful at all, but she dozed right off. 

We got some good pics and good times and drove home. We knew we wouldn't make it before dark through the canyon so we stopped in heber at a little cafe and got some soup and scones. It was a good day and I hope that we have many more like that. We left all the other stuff behind and for a couple hours we had nothing to worry about but getting up and back down the mountain. Things have changed since we have had kids, and at times I feel like my life is over. No boarding, no long hiking trips, no camping or traveling anymore. It is only a very short while that they are tiny and pretty soon they are hiking along side you and you can teach them. Soon you realize they are wiser than you and you need to learn from them. It is quite an adventure.