I went to my first Tuesdays Together meeting and it is entrepeneurs coming together and giving each other advice and talk about our businesses. The topic that month was the "why" and how we started. And what makes us do the things we love about our business. My very first thought for all of my business ventures was for my kids.
During the times of having babies I was working on and off with massage therapy and I was glad that I was always able to fall back on that when we needed it. But I have a passion for knitting and crochet so I started making a thousand beanies and scarves and got the idea to sell them. I am not a business woman so it was a long and difficult process and I would put in many hours into this business with very little results. I decided I needed to add something to my business and started a clothing line "It's Ok Apparel." I had intentions for this brand to start a movement and I really wanted to make a difference with my clothes and be able to donate to charities.
We moved to Utah and I was for the first time in a while really happy. We had made money from selling our house, and we were going to be close to our family. I was excited to take the kids hiking and camping. I had bought tons of camping gear including a trailer. We were having so much fun as a family and Cody wasn't working because we both agreed he needed some time off. But when he started spending a lot of money and wasn't having any income I started to panic and got really serious about my clothing line. I depended on Cody to print the t shirts and so it was getting stressful and really affecting our relationship. When I would get an order and he wouldn't get it done I would have unhappy customers and then I wasn't able to sleep and was so stressed. I felt like I deserved his support when he was choosing not to work.
I was cyber bullied when I made the decision to donate to a charity that I wanted to be a part of. I had done a few of them before with my shirts but I donated to parents who lost their child that got hit by a car and he was only 4 years old. I had followed this mom's blog and my heart ached for her so I made the decision to donate the profits of some shirts and posted a picture that I was smiling in on instagram. So many people were calling me bad names that I still can't really understand. I guess because my picture reflected that I was happy about this unfortunate situation and looking for a way to benefit my business. They also said that "It's Ok" is the worst thing you can say to someone who is grieving. Which really hurt me because that is the direction I was going with in my business. I then believed some of the things they were saying and I had a lot of negative thoughts about myself. I began to wonder about my intentions and if I was a good person or if I was just donating to get praise or fame from it. It was such a horrible experience. I even got lots of new followers that were just trying to follow the drama of it and I had to stop posting for a while. It was stomach wrenching pain and is hard to look back on. I think of this quote.
"Some people hate you only because of how other people love you."
I tried to talk to Cody about how hurtful this was and he was not any help in this area of my life during this difficult time. I was starting to feel us drifting apart and it scared me.
I had to make a really important decision for our family and I had prayed about the business and what part of me I should be putting into it. I remember the very night that I chose to quit the business and it was such a relieving feeling. I felt the weight off my shoulders and I had to trust that God was going to take care of me. I was financially stressed and I was nervous about letting go of our only little income.
It was a depressing time for me because all my spare time and money had been put into this business. And I really loved doing it. I got to use my art skills for designing the shirts and I loved going to the mountains with my kids to take pictures and enjoy time together. It was a really hard thing for me to let go. but I knew that my relationship with Cody and being a less stressed mom to my kids was much more important. I still sometimes wonder if I would have kept doing it where I would have been or what would have happened. but it was then I realized how bad Cody and I's marriage had gotten and I felt so far away from him and I really needed him back.
"Loneliness doesn't come from having no one around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that are important to you. "
-Carl Jung
So then I decided to throw myself back into my knitting because I could do this mostly on my own without needing his help and hoping to relieve some pressure off of him. I re-branded myself and named it Cold Pine Knits. There was pressure to make money and I felt like I was starting to lose myself with who I was as a designer. I was also afraid to put myself out there again in fear of failure. It is hard to put yourself out there and really show who you are and hope that people will accept it. I couldn't afford to pay for models/photographers so I was awkwardly posting selfies of myself and trying to not reflect how horrible my circumstances were turning. I was trying hard to keep my family together as much as I knew how and I was able to come in contact with amazing people who were very supportive and wanted to help my brand. These people are always in my prayers and I still thank them to this day. From photography, website design, with setting up for markets, and buying my products. I started feeling a little hope that I could maybe make it. All winter long I was doing lots of handmade markets and made enough money for Christmas and helping with keeping the water, lights, gas, and some groceries. I was humbled that I was able to find a talent that I could utilize so I was able to make it through this hard time. I believed that it was going to be a short season of financial struggles so it kept me going that I only had to hold on a little longer. but it turned out to be much longer than anticipated and progressively getting worse all the time.
During all of this I was trying so hard to get Cody back into my life. He was always gone and he was lying about where he went. When he did come home we were just fighting. He also started to not sleep in our bed anymore and I really needed him. I was sleeping alone for a while and things slowly spiraled from there. We started going to a life coach that was really helping me get through some hard times.
All of the events soon took a turn and it made me see the strength in myself and found a new way to be creative in making money. I looked around my life and trying to see things for what they were and I had started to sell off my furniture,clothing, toys, decorations, etc. because I needed money desperately. I was also too prideful to ask for help from anyone around me and no one knew for a long time about my situation. And it was entirely my fault that I made myself be so alone. I saw how I was blessed to have so many things and I really didn't need any of them. I just needed my family and nothing else mattered.
I have always had a passion for weddings and saw my antiques as being able to rent them and still keep some of my favorite collections and not sell them off. I had hit bottom I am grateful for it because it inspired me to find myself and who I want to be. I am crossing my fingers that it will work out for me this time. and that is how Havenwood Wedding Rental & Design was born.
www.facebook.com/havenwoodweddingrentals
Be Careful about what you think, your thoughts run your life.
proverbs 4:23
photos by Courtney Campbell Photography
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