BWRT Utah

I do believe that God puts people in your path that you need in your life. I was fortunate enough to meet a really awesome friend who is a fellow wedding planner and since day one of our friendship it felt like we have known each other forever.
She has always helped me with whatever I need. Our girls have become good friends. And her husband is also a kind and amazing person.

His name is Matthew Coles. He is a videographer for BYU sports and he also has a passion for mental wellness. Because they have become aware of our situation with Cody's addiction they offered to help our family and share with us a new therapy technique that I think is an amazing opportunity to be a part of.

This therapy is called BWRT Brain Working Recursive Therapy.

It is something that has made more sense to me than anything else has before. The brain has a memory response to trauma that is through the neurological pathways in the brain. It explains why we sometimes don't have free will over our mental processes. It will always respond in the same way until you change the pathway to a positive response.

For example, if someone is deathly afraid of spiders and every time they see one they go into a panic, before their conscious mind and body are even aware of the situation. Your emotions are out of your control because your brain is wired to always respond in this way.


The difference with BWRT and other type of therapies is that you do not have to talk about the uncomfortable details of the fear or trauma. The session is short, and you will see permanent and significant changes in your brain pattern. This therapy changes the way the brain responds by replacing the negative emotion with a positive one.

Matt explained to us that this technique is ideal for addicts. Because after taking the drug for a long time the brain changes and becomes dependent. When stress or life happens your brain is wired to go directly to your source of relief before you are even conscious of the choice. I have always known that addicts have a hard time stopping but this explains to me why. Until their brain responds differently to stress it is going to take a lot of effort and therapy to train the brains response to stress.
I was so thrilled to find such a new and awesome technique that could change lives of many people.


Shortly after Matt talked to us about this therapy I wanted to use it. I have been through so much betrayal trauma and the way I respond to the betrayal is full of fear and anxiety.
So while I was talking to Matt about possible treatments for me I had got an opportunity to be on TV on KUTV fresh living for Zurcher's Party store. I was so honored that I got such an neat opportunity. But being on camera terrified me. I was losing sleep, and freaking out.
Matt asked me if I wanted the BWRT for the fear of being on camera, and I was like YEAH! I will do anything to be able to be on camera without making a fool of myself.

You can view the video here

http://kutv.com/features/fresh-living/how-to-perfect-holiday-centerpieces

I wasn't able to go to his house at the time and so he was able to do it over facetime. This was the day before I went on TV and the next morning I was actually calm and collected and thought wow this could probably work. Then as I was driving there I was getting nervous, then finding the building I was getting more scared, then watching all the other people go before me I was getting more and more nervous each minute and was like I am going to tank. As soon as we got to my segment and the camera was on me, my heart slowed down, I breathed slower, and I was able to get through it with minimal fear. I can honestly say that without this treatment I would have been stuttering, sweating, and they probably wouldn't even air it. Years of being afraid of being on camera changed when I did this therapy.

I plan on doing more with Matt, with all of my emotional traumas and stress. I want to take control of my emotions and better my life. I believe that medications numb the healing process and doesn't help you. Your brain is an organ that can be healed like any other part of our body. This techniques shows your brain how to heal. I am also hopeful that this could be helpful in addition to Cody's other treatment.

If you want to learn more about this technique you can visit.

www.bwrt.org

If you are someone who suffers with anxiety, phobias, stress, depression, PTSD, emotional trauma or any other brain related illness then this technique is for you. Which I think is basically everyone.  You won't regret trying it. So far the testimonials has been effective every time, and only positive experience. If this doesn't work for you then it won't hurt you and you can try something else. Don't let anyone tell you there is one way to do things. There is so much opportunity out there and we can experiment with what works for us.
BWRT worked for me and I will continue to share with you more about my sessions and the improvements that I see.
I believe in this therapy so much that I am helping Matt with his social media and website. Because I believe that this technique needs to be heard about for anyone who is suffering.


website

www.bwrtutah.com


Instagram is

www.instagram.com/bwrt.utah



Tell Matt that I sent ya and you are ready to take control of your life.

xo xo

Why your brand needs a stylist

I started Havenwood Design Co. coming up on two years ago. I started with wanting to rent out my antiques for extra cash because I needed to find a way to make some dough from home.
When I did some of my first styled shoots to show off my rentals, people immediately noticed my skills at styling. Very quickly I got many inquiries for styled shoots and vendors wanting to be a part of the magic.
I was so flattered that so many people are wanting my skills. I decided to re-brand the rentals to styling and rentals. I have always loved weddings so I thought, I will be a wedding planner. I have already been doing it for friends and family and thought it would be a good fit for me.
So I reached out to weddings vendors and sent lots of emails to people trying to get my name heard. And it worked! I started working with people that I only dreamt of meeting and soon found so many new friends. For the first time I felt like I found my place and knew where I was headed.
In my attempt at building my portfolio and proving to the public that I knew what I was doing, I was getting brands of all kinds asking to be a part of my styled shoots.
And one of the things I learned is that although I love planning weddings and being a party of something so huge in someones life, I also really love being a small part in building other businesses and branding their products.

So Katie Creative director was born and I also plan on re-branding once again. It will be a slow process because I am taking some time to slow down and really make sure I make the right decisions as far as my business is concerned. I want to work with people that are cohesive with my brand and also appreciate my talent and my aesthetic. So in other words, I don't want to just work with anybody I want to be an exclusive designer! I am so excited for the things to come with my brand.

So I am going to toot my own horn for just a minute and help people understand the need for a stylist. What do stylists do and why you need one for your business.

Pretend I own a company and I sell kids pajamas. You can call up a photographer and find some people that are attractive and put them together and get some images. Then you put them up on your website and social media. You might believe that since you used a professional photographer and not just your phone for your social media that it must be awesome and represent your brand well. And then you wonder why you aren't maybe getting the clients that you want.

The truth is that every website you shop from whether it is nordstrom, urban outfitters, pac sun etc. They do not pick a photographer and call up a model and put them together. Someone put that together. Someone styled the outfit, picked the model for the right theme, chose a photographer that goes along with the desired feel, they styled the hair and make up, they picked a location that fit the styling of outfit, they told a story for the customers to read. Most people don't know that when they are mindlessly online shopping,  that the items that are most appealing is not a hot model, it is not awesome photography skills, it is how the image made them feel. It made the customer feel like the wanted and NEEDED to be in that picture. They needed to be in that location, with that cozy blanket, with that pair of jeans. And what makes someone feel that way?

STYLING. 

Before you hire anyone else to represent your brand, whether it is a web designer, logo branding, photography, etc you hire a stylist FIRST.
If my brand sells kids clothing and you use mainly soft neutral colors, you want your photographer to represent that brand with light and airy/whimsical images. You won't hire a moody wedding photographer. A stylist will pick the right look for your brand with the right photographer. And if you sell pajamas you don't want the children to be outside in a field. That does not feel realistic for a child to be wearing pajamas in a field.
The biggest mistake that brands make is believe that if they pick a pretty outdoor spot for their product they will have great photos. You can't do all outdoor photos if your brand is not typically used outdoors. You have to pick the location that tells the story of the brand.
If I have a outdoor clothing brand, you want the majority of your photos to be outside. If you own a soy wax candle company, you want your items to be styled in an indoor setting. It just makes more sense.
Of course as a stylist I love challenges in editorial and artistic type photo shoots. Sometimes you do things out of the typical norm to create a magical environment. The trick is it STILL has to make sense. It has to feel realistic in its own artistic element. It has hard to explain to people who do no style, which is why it is important that you hire a stylist.

Another mistake brands make is believe that their entire feed has to be their product. If you own a company selling handmade wreaths, you don't have to have a million pictures of wreaths. Life styling branding with a stylist, will create a reason that people want to buy YOU. Not your wreaths. You can do flat lays with wreath making supplies, you can have yourself in action, you can even have a few things unrelated like baking in a kitchen with a wreath in the background. And make your item come to life. And make people HAVE to have your product.

Since I have been doing this kind of styling for so many brands, I have neglected my own company. I am going to team up with some really awesome people and create this for my own brand. And I invite any of your entrepreneurs and husselers to join me on creating your new company or re-branded business to slow down and create something right the first time.

You can see some of my recent work on my design page instagram

And I have been slowly adding more killer photos to my website, and you can check it out

www.havenwoodesign.co 

Bloggers, Brands, Companies, Small business owners, events, newly weds, Call me up because I can style your next adventure.

xoxo

How you can help someone in need

I know that I have promised a blog post from Cody, which we will still do. But we have been extra crazy busy this month and I also needed to take a break from blogging. I have been dealing with vertigo for a couple years and it is just hard to get things done when I have the sickness.

I also want to first thank all the people who were involved in our auction for Cody's treatment. We were both so overwhelmed by people's generosity. There were some who donated large amounts of money that totally blew me away. And we had so many friends who were willing to donate and support us. It is a great experience to be able to receive help from people and so humbling. 

Which leads me to the post I want to talk about today and it is how to help the needy. It has also been on my mind since all of the natural disasters and I know it has affected everyone with inspiration of trying to be more of service to people. We shouldn't wait until there is a large disaster like that. We should ask ourselves how we can be helpful to those around us. 

When I think of being of service my mind automatically think of the homeless shelters, natural disasters, and helping people move. Maybe helping people move is a Mormon thing. 

But we have visiting and home teachers for the reason that we may be able to help someone on a very personal level. To be helpful in many ways from being a listening ear, a person you can ask if you can borrow some sugar, or someone who can help you will a real life crisis and get you through it. 

I know in previous posts I have talked about my visiting teachers and how awesome they were. I was too scared to ask for help and even though they didn't know my situation they served anyway. 

The past couple of years we went from being totally independent to completely needy. And it was a very hard transition. Especially for me because I felt like it was totally out of my control. And always being an independent person it took a lot for me to ask for help. When I did there was so much weight off my shoulders. I could finally breathe and not hold it all in.  The people around you that you believed would judge you or wouldn't understand, are the ones that are first to your aid. And it turns out to be a bonding experience with people when you allow people to share burdens with you. 

So as I went through this experience I want to share with you my thoughts on what I found being helpful and what I felt was more problem for me than help. Now things can always get twisted, and I want to be clear that I was so grateful for ALL the help we got. 

But there was things that I found was enabling Cody's addiction, and I also felt some things were discouraging on my end trying to be an mom of four kids and attempting at staying afloat. 

number 1

Give fresh food that can make meals 

Do not give someone needy your old groceries or cans of food. This was true for me, and I have also seen it be true for natural disasters. Sometimes it takes more stress and time to try to make a meal out of some random groceries. Or when we get random cans of different foods that we can't really make a meal out of, it is very disappointing. We have gotten moldy strawberries, or cheese that tastes kind of questionable, and when you are stressed about feeding your family this is seriously the worst. Just because someone can not help themselves it does not mean that they deserve your old food. 

 Also being LDS, we see often the relief society bring meals for after you have a baby. This is the best when we are able to receive so much love and support from our sisters. Most people are very considerate and helpful, and other times we have received things that my kids would never touch, or just not nearly enough food. When I am bringing a meal to someone I want to first make sure there are no diet restrictions, allergies, or things that they hate eating. It is not helpful if you bring something the kids are not familiar with and be too difficult for them to make a change in diet when they are already having a big change with a baby. 

When it comes to canned food drives for homeless people or during the holidays, It is actually causing more problems with finding help sorting and organizing all the cans, and they have to be distributed out evenly so not one family gets 10 cans of green beans. It is hard to donate to charities because we have seen so many corruption and people who abuse peoples charity in stealing peoples money. but donating money to a charity that is able to buy fresh food that will be organized in giving to families it is more helpful than canned goods.  

See this here to explain more about canned food drives. 

The best thing you can do is find a reputable source that will make sure the money gets the right products for the right people. One charitable organization that I trust is my church's organization. 

Latter day saint Charities 

If you read through these charities and understand how the church is organized, you will also see that the LDS family services is there for members to get help with addiction treatment, and family counseling. I want more people to be aware of this because we shouldn't have suffered as long as we did. And even though there are many options for addiction help we should feel love and support when you are so vulnerable and needy when you have an addict in your family. 

number 2

Do not use needy people as your dumping ground with your old clothing, toys, or unwanted items.  

I am so grateful for my ability to thrift. Meaning find good stuff at thrift stores because clothing four kids is no joke. And they are growing every 3 months. When people found out that we were financially struggling they wanted to help and so they went through their old things and gave it to us. The people close to us knew us and our kids sizes etc so it was always so helpful to have donated clothing. 

Other times when someone donated us toys, clothing etc they did not have our needs in mind it was more of a box of things going to a donation and gave it to us instead. This causes more stress on the needy person because if they can not use any of your clothing, like not the right season or size, then we are the ones who have to get rid of the items for you. 

I also recently saw on the news somewhere about now people who were trying to donate to the natural disasters recently were donating things that we simply not helpful. Like winter coats to Florida, or old books. When you are thinking about people who are needy you must thing of what THEIR needs are. Not what you are able to get rid of. That is the thing I want to emphasis the most. It is not up to you to decide what is helpful to them. You ask, you hear, and you decide what in those areas you can help with. If you can't then you can ask someone else who would be able to help in the area of need. And do not tell someone that they don't need something. If someone needs help in a way that you don't agree with, it does not mean you can tell that person that they don't deserve that help. 

Number 3- Do not enable someone to not help themselves

This is a hard one for addiction. Behind every addict is an enabler. In most cases, addicts can find multiple enablers to get what they want. And it is very tricky to understand because enablers believe they are being helpful and it is hard for them to see the help as problematic. And this also goes hand in hand in codependency. 

When you get into a codependency relationship the enabler becomes over worked, and the addict becomes under worked. It is total unbalance and you can't have a healthy relationship. When you enable you feel like when the needy person is in distress you feel like it is your responsibility. And you do things you normally wouldn't do to help their situation. One reason why stopping enabling isn't easy is because the addict will get very upset. And they can blame you for their problems. 

If you find yourself in having this type of relationship with your spouse, sibling, child, or whoever it may be, you have to stop immediately. 

How you do that is put up your boundaries. There are lots of books and ways of understanding codependency and how to establish boundaries. And I would do that TODAY if you have this kind of situation. It will slowly crush you. But you first have to admit that your complete sacrifice and service is not really helpful at all. 

You could be one helping act away from putting them into their grave. Sometimes they have to lose their job, lose their family, or live on the streets.  When you love someone you don't want to see that happen. But you have to allow them to see their consequences. Becoming a person who doesn't enable takes a lot of faith and courage. You have to trust God that he will be the caretaker for that person in their time of crisis. And it is also important that we take care of ourselves and not become victims of the addicts behavior. 

When specifically talking about enabling an addict here are some examples. 

Do not give them money 

Addicts ask for money quite often. Usually it is a very reasonable request. Like gas money for a job interview, or money for food to meet a boss or lunch. It will always be a reasonable request but if you know that this person struggles with addiction you should NEVER give them cash. Sometimes you justify that just this one time they are probably telling the truth.  If you give them money you won't see it again, and you could potentially be helping them kill themselves. It is very important you do not give an addict money. 

Do not clean up their mess 

When they puke all over your porch, or come to your house drunk/high and need a warm bed, you are essentially enabling that person by not giving them consequences of their actions. They need physical evidence of what their addiction has led them and if it is being in the street throwing up all over the place ( I know this is gross ) or go to jail, they need to experience this. It feels like helping when you love the person and don't want them to suffer those consequences. But until they hit their bottom they will not get themselves back up. They will just continue to abuse you and take everything you've got. 

The definition of enabling is : taking away the natural consequence of someone else's behavior. 

Do not do things for them that they could normally do themselves 

This is classic enabling is doing acts for people so that they can not do it themselves. Moms are notorious for doing their children's laundry, finding them jobs, registering their cars, calling for doctors appointments, etc and we all know the intentions are from pure love of a mother. However, it is making that person not be able to learn life lessons on their own. It is the old saying "If you give a man a fish he will eat for a day, if you teach a man to fish he will eat for a lifetime." We need to be helping each other learn how to be independent.  Sometimes we do need help from family, and you must learn the difference between helping and enabling. 

I am going to admit that I was enabling Cody. It was a freeing experience to understand that I was. So when I was giving all my energy to Cody's addiction I had not room left for myself and the kids. I was finding myself needing help because I wasn't using boundaries.  This is the domino affect of addiction. 

Your addiction affects your whole entire family!!!!!

So I hope that some of these thoughts will be helpful for the next time you want to be service to someone. It takes true charity to understand someone else's needs. You have to crawl down into their hole and really see and understand what that person's needs are. 

thanks for reading!

Love you all. 

xoxo 

LOVE BUG probiotics

People who know me personally know that I am a health nut. It is not always easy because of the way our culture has made it into a hovering parent or simply unnecessary to be so involved in our kids health.
The most important thing I want my kids to understand about their health is that it is THEIR body. Meaning it's their job to take care of it. I want to teach them tools and understanding of what is healthy and what is not. It is their responsibility to make good choices for their health so that they will be able to develop and grow. As well as learn healthy eating habits and health awareness when they are older.
I can't even express how important it is to take care of your body. I have first hand experienced being very healthy with lots of energy, and putting everything else first before my health and slowly watched myself fall apart.

For adults and children, the most important health choices is about our gut health. If we have an unhealthy gut, our bodies are not able to heal, give us proper energy, or makes us have a low immune system. What we need for good gut health is probiotics.

They are something you can take on a daily basis and can help your body find balance. I found this product. Love Bug Probiotics. My favorite part of their brand is that they have different types with herbs that fit your needs. Because I am a nursing mom still, I check labels and question if I should take it nursing. They have one for pregnant/lactating moms called labor of love.
and also other women's health formulas.

I have been taking it every morning for about a month and the first thing I noticed was I became more regular with my digestion. I had less stomach and gas pains. I had more energy because my body was not using the energy to digest food.

They also have a formula for colds and my husband has been grateful that we had them handy when we had a plaque hit out house.

What is even better about Love Bug is they have some for kids that are special for the kids age!
it is seriously brilliant because the older kids have tiny little pills that they can swallow. I tried to give some to Sage but she acted like she was gagging every time and I was torturing her to take a pill.

So she started liking the baby and toddler kind that is a powder that you put in water. You can put it into a bottle or sippy and it tastes like water! I am so happy that they didn't try to flavor it and it is flavorless because they don't even know that I put it in there.

I have seen an improvement with all the kids taking these every morning before school and I am very happy with them. I will definitely be a solid customer of this brand.

Smile Brillant -Teeth whitening part 1

I am a coffee drinker.

I am sorry but I live for an iced chai tea when I am a mom on the go and need my energy. My husband bought me a french press for Christmas and I started getting out of control with the coffee. I think it is part of the reason I wasn't coping well and started getting vertigo. Coffee is just not good for you. I have gone off and on it since I was 16 and worked at Callie's Cafe. I started drinking it since it was free and I was a tired high school student trying to work and do school at the same time.
My whole life I have always been in a hurry to do everything.

I also believe that is part of the problem with caffeine addiction and any other addiction really, is that we are pushing ourselves to do more than we should. I think that instead of accepting I can't do it all I will push even harder. But you guys, Caffeine withdrawals are no joke! I thought that they would only last a week or so with the headaches and the tiredness, but you could be fine for a couple days and then your body reminds you again that you are low on caffeine, and you must have it now or you won't get through your day.
Since I have been getting sicker I have more motivation to quit drinking it and I have not been drinking it on a daily basis. I have had a couple chai lattes here and there but I am doing much better and starting to feel like I can beat it.

Well after I finally realized what the affects of coffee are I have noticed my teeth are not as sparkling as they once was and wasn't ready to accept the damage I have done.
But then Smile Brilliant wanted to send their teeth whitening kit. Hallelujah!
I can erase the damage I have done and start fresh.

I haven't bleached my teeth since I was in high school. I have also been really scared of using any of the crap at the grocery store. And I always use the whitening toothpaste and it's totally a scam. I have never seen any improvement. But, I was nervous about opening up the box and it would be super complicated to use.

The instructions are very clear on how to use it, and it is really a simple process.
First you have to make the molds for your teeth whitening trays. They are custom to your teeth so you know that it will cover all over your teeth.
You mix the blue and white mixtures together and stick it in the teeth tray, then stick it in your mouth and hold 30 seconds (I forgot to hold that long.) and then pull it out.
Luckily mine both worked on the first time, but there is another set in case you made a mistake. And of course while trying to make my molds the kids think it is play-doh and just want to touch it.  Watch the video of Raelyn sticking her sweet little finger in it.

Then you mail them in to the company with the envelope they provide for you, and wait or your trays! It was a very easy process. I am still waiting for my trays to come back and then I will start the whitening process.

In the video I am talking to my friend Taylor. As she was filming me I was actually telling her about how I started using CBD oil and I love it. (more on that one maybe in a later post)

If you want to see more of her work of photo and film.

www.tsphotoandfilm.com 

I will also be writing a part 2 with the teeth whitening, of me using the gel and then also the before and after photos. You will be able to get a discount for the whitening kit.

If you want to get started on your own kit you can save 10% by clicking on the link below and get your tray creation kit. The coupon code expires 8/31!


www.smilebrilliant.com/g/itsoktowander

Love is the Drug - Auction for helping with addiction treatment

Hey guys!

We are doing okay. We are making it through the days with what we have to deal with but we are humbling asking for our friends and family's help. 

When I signed Cody up for the treatment center back in March I knew that it was the right decision for our family at the time. When we signed up for it we knew that it was going to be a big expense, but I was ready to pay any amount of money to help my husband beat his addiction. I was very afraid everyday that he could die any day from an overdose.

I had an overwhelming feeling to not worry about the money, that something would work itself out. Within the first two weeks of treatment Cody was doing so much better, and we both felt a little hope for him. 

Before I took Cody to treatment I asked our Bishop for help. I asked if he could help us with couple's counseling, as well as individual counseling for both of us. We currently don't have insurance so we thought this might be a good option for save our marriage. 

He gave us the phone number to a counselor and I made us an appointment. When we showed up there was some mix up of the scheduling. Cody had taken off work to come to the meeting, and I had to get a babysitter, and I made us both stand there like idiots on the wrong day of the appointment. I was so ready to have some help that I went home pretty devastated. 

When we went back on the right day we talked to the counselor and from the first minute I did not have a good feeling. My gut was telling me to run as fast as I could out of that building. I did not feel sincere help. So we did not go back. 

Then when I decided that I wanted to check Cody into treatment I went to my bishop and asked him to help us pay for some of the cost of the treatment.  The Bishop was not happy that we did not go to the counselor he chose for us, and was even more unhappy that I made a decision to put him into treatment without talking to him first. Well, when I checked Cody in he was in pretty bad withdrawals and there wasn't much room for anything but getting him immediate help. We couldn't be in state funded waiting lists, or waiting for the Bishops approval. 

I felt as though the Bishop was not sympathetic or understanding of the situation. He was being very hard on Cody and his exact words were, "I don't think you are worth the church member's money." 

I turned into mama bear and I defended Cody in saying that he was worth it to me, and he is also worth it to my family so we would find help somewhere else. 

He told me to calm down because he loved me and was happy with my church attendance and efforts, but not Cody's. I told him that if he wasn't willing to help Cody then he wasn't helping my family, because Cody IS my family. He had set his terms on how he was going to help us and then we walked out leaving with the impression he was going to support us in this treatment. 

Well, about three months went by without the bishop's payments and the bill was starting to get higher. We have to pay for the medications out of pocket and it has made our budget even tighter. 

We were getting nervous about how to pay for it since we are struggling to make ends meet as it is without all the added expenses of the treatment. 

Cody talked to them about doing trade work for the treatment center since he is a carpenter and handy man. He has been hanging dry wall and doing small repairs in trade for the expenses. So I thought that was going to be our saving grace, that we would be able to work off the money and we wouldn't pay out of pocket anymore. 

Cody's schedule during the week is this

Monday - work 6:00-2:30- work at treatment center 3:00-5:00 treatment class 5:30-8:30

Tuesday- work 6:00-2:30- works at treatment center 3:00-5:00 treatment class 5:30-8:30

Wednesday- work 6:00-2:30- works at treatment center 3:00-5:00 treatment class 5:30-8:30

Thursday - work 6:00-2:30- works on treatment center 3:00-7:00 comes him for me to go to meetings or work for my new business and watches the kids 

Friday- works on treatment center 3:00-7:00 comes him for me to go to meetings or work for my new business and watches the kids 

Saturday- works on construction side jobs 9:00-6:00 

Sundays- Church and helping me with the crazy kids

If you have followed all of that, Cody and I see each other at nights, and sundays. which also means that I have the kids most of the time, and can be hard for me since I have made the decision to start my design business. I have been willing to balance it all because it was all for a good cause and because Cody is getting better. But after many months it has started to get stressful. The kids are also really missing their daddy. Even though Cody is working every spare minute at the treatment center, we haven't even dented 5% of the cost and it increases every month. We are both running on a treadmill that stays in one place and running out of energy. It would be worth it if we were getting somewhere but it is just getting more discouraging. 

We went back to the bishop a second time and asked him if he was still going to help us, and he totally forgot that we even came to see him about it. He agreed to give us some money but it would be only a one time payment and also was only going to be a very small portion. We graciously accepted because we were happy to get any help we can get, and then he has never made a payment. 

I am not going to say that this is what happens all the time with LDS bishops. I know there are other bishops who are understanding and helpful. We unfortunately have not had a pleasant experience asking for help and has made us both very scared to ask anyone. We have not asked money from family because of fear of judgement and all the questions they will ask. 

Understandably I think people will be afraid of paying for a person who they aren't sure that are really interested in getting better. Or enabling an addict to not take responsibility for their behaviors. 

I was crying to my sister about how frustrating all of this is and how I was so unsure of what we were going to do. I am afraid that the treatment center will not let him keep coming when he still needs treatment and he will relapse. And then we will still be owing all that money. 

She offered to help me host an online instagram auction to help us cover some of the cost of the treatment.

 At first I was hesitant because 

1- there are so many auctions these days for everything. 

2- it is straight up embarrassing 

Of the few people  I have told about the auction I have got responses from family about how embarrassing it will be, and they won't help us financially if we agree to this. So As I write this post, I am going to tell you that this is something not easy for Cody and I to do. 

We also agree that when we get our treatment costs covered, we want to continue to do the auction to help organize money to help other addicts get the funds to go to a reliable treatment center. This is such a problem in the US and Utah and we want to share out story to help others. I would love to help other grieving spouses and family members of addicts because it is such a long and scary road. We can't predict anything in the future and we just want to help our loved ones. 

I would love to help carry the load and burdens of other struggling families.

 I think that the Go Fund Me and auctions are a great resource to help people raise money. 

Unfortunately there are too many people that use it for the wrong reason and makes people not want to donate money anymore due to so much fraudulence. I even stopped donating to anything unless I knew that person personally. 

My sister Annie and I will be hosting the auction. Annie will be handling all of the money and also be paying the treatment center and posting the receipts publicly so there will never be any question as to if this money will be going to the right place. 

I have donated my knits goods to many auctions throughout the years. And every time I have I felt good about my small part in helping people. When everyone helps a little bit it can make a huge impact. I will also be donating knit beanies in my own auction but I won't do just one. I will make chunky beanies that are easy for me to make, but if people will purchase them I will be able to make money for the treatment center and will post all the payments going to the treatment center. 

So we are humbly asking for donations of any kind to host our auction. We don't have a date set yet but more information will soon come. It can be anything to Vintage items, handmade items, boutique clothing stores, services, photography, baking, hair stylist, gift cards etc. 

If you have something to donate or have any questions about what we are doing here or how you can help you can email 

loveisthedrug08@gmail.com

or send a DM on instagram 

Love is the Drug Auction

xoxo 

Are you going crazy because of your spouse's addiction?

My last post was about Cody's negative actions when it comes to his addiction. I don't want to put emphasis on Cody's weaknesses and wrong doings, but it is very difficult to face the realities without facing the dark parts as well.

It is his 30th birthday next week and I want to celebrate Cody and all his efforts he has done in the past few months. You would think that I would be less stressed and feel hopeful now that he is in a treatment center, but I have found it the complete opposite.

I have started to see my mental and physical health go way down and I started letting it get out of control. I have been acting pretty childish. When he does something I don't like I will pout and let myself do things I normally wouldn't do because I "deserve" it. I will eat junk food, not get chores done, or live off granola bar, jerky, and caffeine to get through the day.
And I kept justifying my bad behavior on my circumstances and that it isn't my fault. Cody calls me a ticking time bomb, because the slightest movement will set me off. I am jumpy and run off very little sleep. When I do fall asleep my body wakes me up in a panic like a loud noise woke me up. I am very irritable and I snap if someone is chewing too loudly. I usually get pretty severe PPD after having a baby but after the year mark, this is something much different.
And I am not going to make excuses for myself anymore. The negative talk and the excuses only lead to guess what? Shame, guilt, depression.

I have wallowed in self pity because nothing is enough. I blame others for my unhappiness. I have to make up for his absence and I get very overwhelmed. The people that I have kept close to me have always been super supportive and listened to me. Some of them are usually praising me on how strong I am. At first it was nice to feel acknowledged for the strength I have been forced to have. But I just keep telling people that I am not special. I haven't graciously accepted my trial. I have been angry and selfish. I have been letting my past hurts come out and affect my life in an negative way. I have acted out negatively towards Cody. When he was at his worst his actions were strictly addictive related and trying to get away with his actions. Cody has never verbally or physically abuse me and he never would. He treats me like a queen and I have not given him that same respect. So I will admit that I am not the perfect wife, or mother, and have made some really bad mistakes.
Cody hasn't given up on me.

 I have my own personal beliefs on anxiety/depression disorders. Since there isn't any evidence on mental health with its genetic factors, they call it a pre-disposed condition. Well, I believe it comes from mainly the experiences and circumstantial factors we go through. Although we can all get anxious, nervous, stressed at times in our life, it is when we let it get to the point of debilitating our lives is when it becomes a real problem. Because I am also religious, I believe that there can also be spiritual factors as well as mental and physical factors that can affect our health. Just like our physical bodies can heal, our spiritual and mental health can heal but it takes more effort to get to the root, because we can't physically see where the wound is.

The reason that we look to biblical trials, ancestors, and ancient medicine is because people would stop using treatments that didn't work, and continue to use the ones that are helpful and found healing. I would trust thousands of years of trials and errors, than the opinion of someone who doesn't know your situation. If you ever feel like no one can understand you, turn to Christ, because he is the one who does. We know that in the scriptures people found hope in their depressive times through Christ.

6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 

7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

1 Peter 5:6-7

I have been dealing with dizziness and vertigo off and on for the past year. It will happen every couple of months, and mainly when I am at my highest stress level. I have tried to direct it to any other reason on google. Ear infection, BPPV, dehydration, vitamin deficiency, and convinced myself I have a brain tumor.
When it comes to my mental health I have been too afraid to open the wounds and will avoid it if at all possible. In my last post I talked about how I have developed a type of post traumatic stress disorder. When certain things happen that feels like I will experience the same pains and emotions I have gone through when it comes to the addiction, I will respond into a fight or flight response that feels uncontrollable. Poor Cody has not known how to handle my outbursts. I have also tried my best to understand what is wrong, and even though I've tried to change my attitude it just seems to get worse. Even though he is in treatment for his addiction and continues to improve every day, I am constantly afraid. Fear of the future. Fear of what has not happened. I wrongfully believed that if I changed Cody's situation, that if he got better then everything would be better. I also wrongfully believed that if he was gone, then the pain wouldn't linger. Nothing outside of going to the root cause of the pain and healing it will make it go away. Sometimes I scared myself into thinking that nothing would make the pain go away. When I would get into my full blown panic mode it would feel like someone was sitting on my chest and made it hard to breathe. And I would panic that I couldn't make it stop.

 Don't do that. Have hope that things can change.

When I get vertigo I can't even stand up, and if I try to keep going then it makes me nauseous and I get hot/cold flashes. And because I can't stand up I will just lay like a sack of potatoes and don't drink water, and don't eat and then it makes it 100 times worse. It feels like the room is spinning and even lying down doesn't help. I want to cut open my head and take out whatever is making me spin.
Because I haven't been feeling well it makes my stress and anxiety even worse because I can't get the things done that I need to and then I take out all my stress out on Cody.

 Cody has been a very strong person. He has been going to the clinic three nights a week, working at the clinic to pay off the fees, and then doing side jobs when he can. Then he comes home and helps get the kids to bed, and tries to spend time with me because I get needy and want him to comfort me. And I am also in the start up phase of my business that is very exhausting, and I feel like I have eyes rolling at me all the time because it doesn't seem necessary right now with the position we are in. He is always willing to do whatever I need to and has been supportive.

I could not do any of it without him. I don't tell him that enough. Sometimes I pout and tell him that I don't need him and I can do it myself. My dad would call it, "cutting off my nose in spite of my face." Its a gross analogy but my dad tells me that I do that a lot.

There has been times in our marriage where I contemplated divorce and if I did people wouldn't blame me for it. But I didn't because Cody has never given up on me. Sometimes thinking about divorce sounds great, I would be able to have the credit and money to buy my own house and fix it up with recycled hand painted tile, wide open windows, hexagon shaped dining nook,  and afford boutique candles. My house is much cleaner without him around. But thinking about life without Cody is unbearable. That dude loves me with every cell. Even in his worst times, his lying would be to cover up his bad actions, but he would never verbally or physically abuse me. Cody would do anything for me.

To make this clear to any other spouse with an addict, it is impossible to have a healthy relationship while they are still addicted. You can not have a relationship with two selfish people who won't see the others needs. I am trying my best to find advice and read up on things to save a marriage after addiction just like you probably are. That is why I am writing these blog posts. I am not an expert on marriage. I am just going through this and want to give hope to people that I believe it's possible to save a marriage after addiction. But, I also think it is nearly impossible if you don't add Christ in the picture to heal the wounds and see each other the way God sees us.


 “That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.”
president Thomas S Monson 



If you are in my same position, with a addictive-alcoholic spouse, and you feel like you might be going crazy. I am going to give you the answer. YOU ARE.
If you try to control or save them, you are drowning yourself. In your efforts to support your addict you have to first take care of yourself. I have heard many different sides and opinions when it comes to addiction.  I personally believe addiction is another sort of mental illness waiting to be healed by Christ if we allow it. It is also a spiritual disconnect with giving away our free agency. Also allowing yourself to mentally and physically lose control you are also letting go of your freedom.
 Don't do this. It only leads to unnecessary suffering. How do you love them without losing yourself?
boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. My boundaries were, he was not able to use in the house, he was not to lie to me, he was not to be left with the kids while under the influence, but none of these boundaries were able to help myself. Because we are in a different position my boundaries have changed, and I am going to use those boundaries to better help my situation. To allow Cody to have his time to unwind and relax, and likewise for myself. It doesn't need to cost a lot of money but we both need our down time. I plan on getting my summer routine, and taking me time more seriously. I am finding my healthy ways of coping with stress.



For caregivers, in your devoted effort to assist with another’s health, do not destroy your own. In all these things be wise. Do not run faster than you have strength.7 Whatever else you may or may not be able to provide, you can offer your prayers and you can give “love unfeigned.”8 “Charity suffereth long, and is kind; … [it] beareth all things, … hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth.”9

quote from Elder Holland 


Thank you Cody for seeing me past my faults and mistakes. For being patient with my craziness. You're the cream to my corn , you're my Robert Plant, my partner in crime. And all the other sappy sayings.

Xo Xo

"When Mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me."
-Led Zeppelin 

                                                           photos by April and Trish