Treatment

I have been busy the past few months and I had plans on writing a motherhood blog for Mother's Day but now it has come and gone. I will just say that I did not have a good Mother's Day. Addicts are typically self indulged and thinking of someone else's needs for a day can be challenging for them. Which leaves us feeling unappreciated, unseen and lonely.

So here is an update with what is going on with us lately. I haven't written about Cody and I and our addiction recovery for a while so I thought I would give an update. Cody relapsed last fall and it was another long hard struggle trying to balance our life again. It was a VERY rough Christmas.
We have a great family who was able to help us get through it.
 There was many family relationships broken, and lots of trust shattered. Past trauma opened back up. Fear and anxiety took over our home once again. Trying to keep it from the kids is another challenge in itself.
Being a mother is hard but I felt like our unusual circumstances were traumatic and started getting down on myself that I wasn't able to give my kids the life I wanted for them. I want them to not feel the dark circumstances. I felt super stuck. I felt like there was no way to stop the achy pain in my chest. The emotional pain was actually starting to feel "physical."  It starts to become a cycle that you feel like any hope you might have will come around in a full circle and just never end. I had to fully rely on clinging to my faith in Christ and that he was going to carry me through, because I couldn't trust anyone, even myself.


What I want to share with you that I learned is that the most dangerous thing you can do, especially as a mother, is to feel alone. I can promise you this, whatever struggles you have and whatever feelings that arise, there is someone out there in this world who knows that struggle. That is the beauty of this earth is there is billions of people and there is someone out there that has experienced your feelings and emotions. Sometimes we want advice or help with our struggles. But most of the time we just want someone to say "I know how you feel". You may say to yourself that other moms have it better, because of their social media. They look happy so they can't possible understand you. I don't like it when people say blogger moms are being "fake" when they appear happy in their pictures but they are really struggling behind it. The truth is, why would anyone post pictures of them struggling or having a messy house? No one wants to see those pictures. So mamas out there, stop judging instagram feeds. And you might say that your struggles are different and people don't understand you. You are right!
But so does everyone else. I was playing that victim of no one understood the struggles of being a mother with an addicted husband. It would cause me to not open up about my struggles to other moms. But if you find someone you can trust to talk to, you will find that person has a lot of struggles themselves. They might be different but we can relate to each others as moms if we understand that no one has a picture perfect home. And just because their kitchen is sparkling clean in all of their instagram posts does not mean they are being unreal.
Focusing on our blessings is something to help you get through the hard stuff. Even if it is only one or two things. Hold onto those. And when you are counting blessings do not compare them to others. For example I recently heard someone say about their own struggles, "things could be worse, I could be a drug addict."This is a common comparison. What that implies is that 1. that is the worst thing that could happen. Well I am living in the mess of an addict so am I living the worst life? It can certainly be worse. And 2. saying things could be worse/better is not being appreciative and the wrong perspective. You should say "I am so grateful for ... (fill in the blank.) Which is how prayer should come into your life.
Comparing blessings to someone or hypothetical is not the best way to get your happiness. Also not blaming other people for your unhappiness. Trust me I am working on this issue myself. It is so easy for me to blame Cody for a lot of my problems. It makes things difficult and symptoms of PTSD arise when I think I will go through those traumatic experiences again, but that does not mean I can let it control my life.

The second most dangerous thing to do as a struggling mom is to keep all your feelings a secret.

TELL SOMEONE.

Tell someone about your addiction. Tell someone about your pain.  Tell someone you are just angry and don't know why. Tell someone that you are overwhelmed and are scared.
You have to admit to yourself that you have lost control, of your thoughts or your actions. My very first blog post about Cody's addiction was a very hard one and lots of anxiety came from it, wondering what people would think. But it was also the most weight lifted off my shoulders that I didn't have to keep it a secret anymore. That it was okay to have struggles and be open about it. We can help each other by sharing what we are going through. That is the whole point of struggles is to be there for each other. I recently put it into my instagram profile feed "wife of a recovering addict." and I sat there forever wondering if I should put that. But I left it there. It is front and center of my profile as to what my blog is about. The reason is, I hope someone will see it and say "hey, I am a wife of an addict too. She is sharing it with the world and so can I." Or even just for myself to understand that there is just no more secrets. Satan wants you to keep it a secret.

Truth will set you free. 

Truth is everything. 

If you have an addicted spouse I am going to share this with you so that you don't feel so alone. And maybe people who don't have this experience might not understand. And that is okay, just know that this is something we have to go through with an addicted spouse and that it's painful.

 Any holiday whether it be Christmas, birthdays, mother's day, valentines day, anniversary's, or whatever special day it might be, it becomes an incredibly painful experience for the spouse.
When you have an addict this can make memorable moments into a bad one, and you usually have photos to remember forever how bad it was. I am going to try my best not to "husband bash" in this post but I want to share this pain with you.

Typical Christmas - Cody begs for cash to buy me a present. He goes to my parents + $50 he went to his parents + $100 he goes to his sister + $200 he asked me for money for presents + $200.
When Christmas came and there was zero presents and his lie was that he ordered a target purse for me and it was on lay away and he needed more money to get it. The addict fed his addiction leaving family and his wife feeling unloved, unappreciated, undeserving of a present and total trust and hearts broken.

Typical kids birthday party- We are of course broke so I have to do work to make a couple extra bucks for some balloons and a cake and stay up late making crafts and getting glitter everywhere to make it special. Day of event, addicts believe they "deserve" a little extra of their drug of choice that day because its special. So they are usually high and hiding from you. Or completely disappear and doesn't answer his phone. So instead of setting up for a party I am driving around with the kids finding my husband, who went to meet his dealer up the street and had to bring him back and tell him to shape up for one hour for his daughter. And then I put on a happy face and blow up balloons for a party. Leaving me feeling overwhelmed, unappreciated, unloved, and another disappointment.

typical MY birthday- Cody asks for money for a present, I tell him I want a massage or go to dinner. He asks again for a birthday present because he loves me and I deserve the moon but only wants just $200 for a present. I tell him I don't want a present. He begs again to give him the trust back that he lost.
I finally give in, and my anxiety at its peak because I know what he will likely spend it on, wondering if this will be the time that he overdoses, or goes to jail (PTSD kicks in). I can't function as a human or mother because my fear is taking control of my life.
It only results in many lies, many fights, trust lost, heartache, financial struggles, fear and anxiety and it makes all birthdays dreadful and scary to even think about. This year in February my birthday and Valentines are around the same time so he has to do double duty.
He took lots of money from the account, purchased an $10 necklace and put it into a "Kay Jewelers"
box and tells me that its a real diamond necklace so to be careful with it. He also said that there was a guy at work that could get a good deal so he had to bring him cash and was meeting up with him at a parking lot. So he also believes that I am idiot and would believe that he isn't getting drugs he is just doing a drug deal but getting a necklace instead.
Okay....this necklace had no diamonds I assure you. And it was probably the most hurtful thing he has done to me on a holiday. What was even more hurtful is the person that was helping him come up with this lie was someone I was knew. And it hurts even more to know that this person has no problem with coming up with such an elaborate scheme for the sake of the addiction.
And then somehow I become a bad guy because I didn't appreciate his efforts, and that he has tried everything and I just don't give him any trust.

typical Cody's birthday- he celebrates by getting high and then we can't function as a couple or family.

typical Mother's day- I just want a day to relax, maybe a card. my kids will color me pictures, go pick flowers in the yard, (sorry neighbor) but my husband will not say a word to me all day, and just sleep the day away because he is tired from working, or sick.

Addicts make you feel unseen on holidays. If you have an addicted spouse and you have felt this way on these holidays YOU ARE NOT ALONE.


 If it makes you feel better at all I want to tell you that I see you. I understand you. I know the hard struggles that come from mothering what seems like without much help. I know that you have to pull extra weight when you spouse is not able to. And then feel unappreciated when you do. You feel like your two hands will never be enough and feel guilt about not being able to do it all yourself.
I also want you to know that your addict still loves you. We can't make excuses for them, but we can understand their decisions are much harder when the addiction takes over.
We need to continue to develop healthy boundaries, protect ourselves and our children, and still love them unconditionally through their bad decisions.

Just keep going.

On St. Patrick's Day march 17 2017, I cornered Cody and gave him a decision.
I said you can either continue your lifestyle on your own, or I will give you the option of an outpatient treatment center and get help.
He finally agreed to an outpatient so that he would be able to go to work, see his children, be with me and still get the treatment he needed. For the first time ever I saw hope in Cody's eyes.
 He was pretty sick so I basically had to carry him in on a stretcher emergency style (not really) but we got him help.
He has been able to do it for 8 weeks and he has been doing really well. There is still bumps along the way and many years of pain that need to heal. But we are on a slow uphill road that I am trying to be hopeful that it will be a true recovery.
The treatment center is extremely expensive and that is one reason that it has been a hard decision to make to check him in.
When we went to sign him up I had an overwhelming feeling that it was the right decision and to not worry about the money. I knew that it would work itself out somehow, and things have been working out and right now we are hopeful. We still have some of the challenges that come with it.
Because he is at his treatment most of the week I am alone a lot more and taking the kids with me everywhere I go. It makes it more stressful for me but at least he is getting better, and hopefully temporary. So Cheers to that!



xoxo

"Truth is everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for."
- Bob Marley 

                                            Photo Credit to Taylor Holley Photography 

Motherhood with Blanqi

For the next couple of blog posts I am going to specifically talk about motherhood. The real stuff.

The truth of it is that motherhood is hard. We can all agree on that one that there are challenges with motherhood. But why? We love them. They are the cutest squishiest little people that love you unconditionally and they make you feel so special. So why is it so hard you ask? 

I will tell you why it is hard. 

You are not teaching them how to be adults,
 they are teaching you how to be adults. 

It is hard because when they are upset about something that we see as small, like not getting the cookie that their sister has, we think of them as just kids or over reacting. But we have to look at ourselves and see that we just had the same tantrum over not having our neighbors green lawn, or car they drive. 

Kids have are the same struggles as ours. Once we realize that these little people have the same pains, same feelings and emotions, then it is easier for us to understand them. 

Relate to your kids instead of try to teach them. When you feel like someone doesn't like you it is the same as when you didn't get picked to be on the soccer team, or got third place in the science fair. These experiences HURT and they are the same as when we have our "adult" issues. 

Our kids are teaching us how to be more patient, more understanding, more forgiving, and they are doing a lot of work on us. When we make mistakes they have already forgiven us, it is our job as parents to do our part in forgiving ourselves so that we can continue to be a better mother and person.

I am humbled by how much my kids have helped me get through hard times. I can see them get through hard things and they are still happy and playing the next day. So why can't I be like that? Well, you can you just have to learn from them. Stop worrying about your "adult" issues. They are just issues. They are hard. It is okay. 

There is one thing that I have learned to help me in this chaotic world of motherhood is getting yourself a minimal Mom-friendly Closet. Being a mom on the go I really struggle with finding an outfit that checks off all my mom clothes list. 

1-flattering on my body

2- my style and taste 

3- modest 

4- nursing friendly

5-comfortable

6- easy to clean/care for 

7- Fits me! I am so tiny there is nothing that fits 

8- affordable

9-easy to make an outfit

10-quality 

It doesn't seem like too much to ask but for some reason I have the hardest time coming up with clothes that I want and it is a constant battle with myself every morning. I get inspiration for clothes from other moms, and then find out that it too much money, or its a maxi so it will drown me or the color or print just will not work.

I will constantly buy things and then take them back or sell them to people or take them to thrift stores because it just doesn't work out. The past couple months I have been on the hunt for the 

"mom on the go" must haves. 

I have found the perfect pair of leggings that every mom can wear and will be a key piece in your wardrobe. The Blanqi leggings are good quality and super comfortable. A black pair of leggings is flattering on most body types and black goes with everything. You can throw on some sneakers or some heels and can be worn with any top or jacket you have. The most brilliant part of these is that they are high waisted so they hug your pooch after having a baby and also makes it easier for you to feel comfortable nursing because you are covered. I have had a lot of experience now with four kids but it finally took me until Betty that I can comfortable nurse without a cover and not look every direction and flinch when I think someone might be judging me. 

I have never been completely exposed, but I will always be a supporter of however a mom wants to feed her baby in public. 

I am a busy mom I can not always go into a bathroom with a bunch of kids and sit on a toilet, or go to my hot car. I have once sat in the middle of Ikea rug area on the ground and just nursed my baby. I just couldn't wait to walk through miles of tupperware with a screaming baby just to feed her. Some people would peek around the corner and just keep shopping. It was when I did that I finally felt free of that judgement. I did it without anything happening. It was okay to feed my baby. 

I think Blanqi leggings have given me that confidence to feed my baby more discretely and less exposed. 

It is something that is very important to me as a mother. We need to feel COMFORTABLE. We are tired, we are stressed, we beat ourselves up over our parenting mistakes.We don't need more worries. Just do your thing.

That is why I really love the Blanqi tee shirts. The shirt says "motherhood is my muse,"
It is the truth. All my creativity and all my energy and motivation is because of them. 

I am hosting a giveaway on my blog this week for FREE LEGGINGS!

I am so excited to be able to have the opportunity to work with a brand that I love and think every mom needs. 

All you have to do is tag three friends and like my photo. Follow

Blanqi

and

Cold Pine Knits

and you are entered in the giveaway. I will announce the random winner Saturday the 11 and Blanqi will ship you out an awesome pair of leggings. 

One thing I did notice about these leggings is that they can not be dried. They will get piling on them. Once I realized that they have kept their quality and shape and they are amazing leggings.  

XOXO

photo credit to Madison Montgomery 

Whiskey bar styled shoot

 I had other plans for my next blog post, but tis the season for Love so I am going to talk about Cody and I for a minute.

Last personal post I talked about how Cody moved out. It was not because we wanted a divorce, or because we were mad or hated each other. I think people can assume the worst when we say we are separated. This isn't the first time and we are just used to the pattern.
When we are separated we can appreciate each other more, have some distance to think about things. And my hopes is that it will give Cody more motivation and understanding of how his actions can hurt and they just can not be continued for our family.
When he is gone it makes everything harder. I want Cody home. He is my best friend and it is very lonely when he is not around. I just want to talk to him. I want him to comfort me. Our relationship is just so hard to explain. We love each other desperately. We know that even though we are total opposites we just work together. We know that we can not replace each other. We both know that we have a connection.

Apart from Cody's behavior when it comes to his addiction, he is a genuine person. Seeing past an addictive person can be hard at times because their actions speak loudly and makes you feel like they don't care about your feelings. But when he is himself,  he treats me really well. Even if I am acting like a complete psycho path he knows me enough that he knows what I need. At night he will stroke my hair and then I melt and pretend that nothing ever happened.
Nothing else matters than making a hard relationship work when there is such a strong love involved.
If  we didn't have that connection then we would have called it quits a long time ago. I could have said “see ya in the next life”. When things aren't very good and we are fighting I have often wondered about what other people would think. If I stayed in our relationship would people think that I was being one of those women who stayed in unhealthy mariages or would they think we were being strong? If I divorced would they think that I was giving up, or would they think good for her to stick up or herself? That was a big mistake, because it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. There is not one person who understands and knows what we are, except Cody and I. Once you drop out the whole world in your decision making things can become more clear.
I have made my choice to stick with Cody not because I want my husband happy, but because he wants nothing more than for me to be happy. I know there is such thing as healing and it doesn't come from a pill, or a quick fix. There is no such thing as a short cut to happiness. It takes a lot of work. I think that is the most appealing thing for an addict is that their solution is quick. It takes the pain fast. It does not help, or cure. It is a very temporary fix that you must get over and over again.
My kids watch trolls all the time and I can't help but see the similarities with it. They think that there is no such thing as happiness unless they eat these trolls. And in the end, they just see that is within themselves to find true happiness and not the troll. And the people behind it making you believe you need the troll are just in it for power and money. Classic.

But I am going to brag about Cody because he is such a strong person. I do not give him enough credit for what he has accomplished. How far he has come from where he has been. He would do anything for me. And he proves that to me every day. I don't deserve someone so special. I couldn't live without him. Love is such a cool thing. And it is so strong.

He is extremely talented with his building and craftsmanship skills. I learn most of my trivia from him because he knows everything. And if I can’t figure something out I know he has the problem solving skills to do it.
He is funny and joyful to be around and he makes people feel good about themselves. I feel like I can be myself with him and not feel judged even when I am at my worst self. People think that I am good with my crafty skills but the truth is I make my attempt at it and then Cody always perfects it. He is a jack of all trades and handy to have around. He is just smart.

Our updated status is that Cody’s clothes have been trickling back into the house and he is sleeping here every night. So he found his way back home and we are still working on some things. It has been a rollercoaster the past few weeks but I am just trying my best to feel hopeful when I sometimes feel like there is none.

You are SO Enough.

I am going to share some photos from the styled shoot I did and everything started falling apart. Like literally. The barn wood arch was falling apart because the old wood is just so soft and needed to be handled better. So we broke that, and also broke my 100 year old whiskey barrel. Talk about embarrassing, and it was such a mess. I really just wanted to curl into a ball and cry. but I had already paid for the florals, the photographer was traveling far, and I couldn't find models who could commit. Cody says "Katie, I will do whatever you need me to do. "
So he shows up sweaty from working construction all day and takes a  bath in the bathroom sink and is such a good sport about being a model for the day. He didn't know that he would be shared with thousands of people on many instagrams and blogs. I was very honored for this photo shoot to be featured on one of the best ones Ruffled Blog.
I was also told by my friend (the cake artist) that if you search on pinterest Moody weddings or Moody cakes you will find the Ruffled blog post and it has been shared a lot! It feels good when people can appreciate your work.

Whiskey Bar inspired Shoot on Ruffled Blog 

But that is the kind of husband he is. Even when he doesn't feel good and he has a hard time moving forward he will go to work all day and come home and help me with what I need. Yes he is the worst at cleaning up and helping with the dishes, and he leaves his cigarette butts all of the the yard, and I can complain about all the wifey things that we all can't stand but those are little things that can be worked on over the many years together. Each day together is important and I myself need to work on making Cody feel appreciated, and special. I get so caught up in making him do what I need and paying attention to my feelings that I forget to be more thoughtful and aware of his.

Marriage is hard. Marriage is important. In my opinion the most important. Being a wedding planner it is so rewarding to witness something so sacred. It is such a life changing experience to find someone you love so much it hurts your bones.

I love you Cody like Snape loves Lily.....Always. 

venue-Brick Room Provo
photography - summer taylor photography
florist- albedo floral
cake -Emily Pearblossom
dessert- art city donuts
paper- lynn and lou
styling rentals- havenwood design co