Sage's 5th Rainbow Birthday Party

I think all my kids are special but Sage is such a spirit. She is definitely our Rainbow in a storm. We always say we want to live in Sage's world.

Picture Lisa Frank posters with unicorns, glitter, rainbows and magical kittens. 

We want to freeze her cuteness right now and bottle it up because she is the best. I don't want her to ever know how evil the world is because she doesn't belong on it.

Photos by Maria Camila 

Sage wanted a magical unicorn party and so that is what we gave her. We were definitely on a budget but Sage just makes me want to go all out so I did.  

We had one of our favorite bakers make her a pastel rainbow cake and Annie Pugmire made the cake amazing and it definitely tasted like a magical rainbow cake. Any time I have asked her for a cake for a wedding or event she has delivered what I needed. 

Annie you rock!

you can check out her cakes  HERE. 

We planned this party to be outside so I had some amazing stuff planned but it rained. And it bummed me out but it did not Sage, because that is the type of person she is. 

So we took down the decor on the wall above the couch and put her decorations up there and the unicorn balloon and put the cake and banners in the kitchen and we were ready to party!

I got the most adorable paper plates, cups, utensils, Rainbow Dash balloon, and the banner from Zurchers. I love that store but I love it even more now shopping for sage's party. They had one isle for birthdays that had the cutest stuff and I could not decide what to get because they were all so dreamy. 

So I let sage decide, and they were all magical, of course. 

I didn't know how we were going to fit all the people we invited in our tiny house, and I was self conscious about it because it was messy. I wasn't planning a party inside. But we put a folding table and chairs in front of the couch and it all worked out. 

Sage is already showing signs that she is passionate about art. She was frustrating at times because she knew what she wanted at this party and I was getting impatient with her. But I know how being a struggling artist where you have a vision in your head and when it doesn't manifest itself it is so frustrating. So I decided to let her be a part of the planning and try hard to not take over the reigns. It was costly this way but I am glad that I did because she really enjoyed the process. 

The biggest part of the decor was the rainbow. I just went to the craft store and bought three posters and some poster markers, I taped them together and drew the rainbow and the night before I let sage do most of the coloring then cut it out. She really loved it because it was HER rainbow. Raelyn tried to help so it was a little messy but it was mostly about the fun of making their own decor. Add some white balloons for the "clouds" Boom. 

I bought some of those pipe cleaners at Michael's because they are so stinking cheap and let them play with those and make things out of them. It gave them something to do after we ate the cake and opened presents. There was so many kids there and it showed how many people Sage makes friends with. 

I had a friend of mine Hannah Russell come and video the event because I saw another video she did for family and it was so darling. I have always just taken pictures and they don't always turn out or we have lost birthday pictures because we broke our phones. So I am doing this at every birthday from now on. 

This video shows their happy faces, and their reactions to things is so much better in a video than a picture. She is very talented. If you want her to come film your kid's party contact me. I am sure she would love to come!. 

Love you Hannah! 

Enjoy the video of Sage's 5th Rainbow Party...

CLICK HERE

Halloween Fall Porch 2016

Porches are my favorite thing to decorate on the holidays. You can tell if people are "festive" by their porch. Like if they have one pumpkin on the porch that their grandma probably gave them and put it there, or people who have a whole haunted house in the front of their house. 

What inspired me to do a blog post about my porch was I wanted to paint my door blue. I actually bought the paint a year ago and was bugging Cody to paint it.  So I finally busted out the paint and made Cody do it this year before it got too cold. It was more work than we thought but totally worth it. The Wreath is a handmade one I found at a yard sale and it is made out of corn husks. I love the simplicity of it. I kind of hate the fall wreaths with all the leaves, pumpkins, corn, pine cones and obvious "fall" things on it.

My style has changed over the years I have had to find my "Halloween porch identity." I have done cutesy and super scary and I think I finally found my niche as far as my Halloween porch. 

And the word I have found to use is PRIMITIVE. 

Some stuff are old purchases from ROSS and I loved them but I gave most of them away but I kept my cute little skeleton. Even though he is falling apart. The two tin pumpkins were also another ROSS find that were on sale and they have made it on my porch decor many years. 

My grandpa found this cute little rolling shelf at an antique flea market and gave it to me and I knew that I wanted on my porch for fall with pumpkins on it. I love the different colored pumpkins to give it some character and I also just went grape picking that same day so I put some grapes in a cute vintage galvanized pot. I thought it gave some cute texture. The Knit pumpkin is one that I made this year and it is also another cute texture idea to give something extra on your porch. I am also obsessed with pine cones so of course some pine cones made it on there in a cute vintage box. 

The side table is an Old farm tray on top of a vintage military seat. And the big blue metal pot is another antique that I thought could be my "witches brew" and I may put some dry ice in there for Halloween night. 

I have been looking for the perfect chalkboard for my porch and I finally found one at Sun River Gardens and it is the perfect size and style for my porch. I drew on the "We are all Mad Here" and Sage helped me. When I told her what I said she was so upset. She said, "Mom, but we are not all mad." I tried to explain it to her but she just didn't get it poor thing. 

Sage is just as festive as me when it comes to decorations and events. She asked me everyday for two weeks when we were going to put the webs up. She remembered doing it last year and thought that it was just the tradition we were supposed to do. She didn't feel Halloween ready without putting up the webs. And I have to agree, it gives it just enough spookiness. 

 This antique chippy ladder is another vintage find, and I found the cute hanging pots at Taipan trading Co.

And the cute vintage metal basket I used for my pumpkins because I loved the idea you could see through it. 

The "BOO" sign I made with a piece of old reclaimed barn wood. My grandpa has a collection and when I was rummaging through it I found that and I immediately saw Halloween. I printed off the letters on paper and cut out my own stencil and then taped and painted them. 

I got the gorgeous reddish, orange mums from Sun River Gardens. 

The darling bench I picked up on KSL used and it was a great deal. The wool blanket is a vintage blanket that was my grandpas that he let he have because it looked so dreamy on my bench. The Wander Pillow is from Sun River Gardens.  

       

These are my favorite purchase this year I found some Rose Hip Branches at Sun River Gardens and I knew I had to have these on my porch. They are an element that I have been missing every year. I think they make my porch look more "Homey." 

                

                

This mat is from Sun River Gardens and the only cuter mat is the other ones that are there now. I wish I could have three or four on my porch because they are all so dang cute. A good Mat on your porch can make a difference.

The pumpkins have been slowly collected over pumpkin patches and given to us, and also Sprouts had the beautiful grey pumpkins. I mean, why have I not been buying those all along right? I feel like orange pumpkins are boring now and just want white and grey pumpkins. This rusty pot hanger I also got from my grandpa's collection of antiques and I threw a pumpkin in there and it fit perfect. 

So that is how our porch came together and hope it gives you some inspiration for your porch. Creep it Real Witches!

Outfit Details 

Sweater- Thrifted Vintage 

Pants -Thrifted Jeggings 

Socks- Target 

Boots- Thrifted Vintage 

Watch- JORD wood watches 

Porch Details 

Porch Mat 

Pillow 

Rose Hip Branches 

Mum florals 

chalkboard 

 -  Sun River Gardens


photography Judd Lifestyle Photography 

Home Baked Apple Pie

I am not the best cook but I have always been a pretty good baker. I like the process of it and the feel of dough in my hands. It has definitely become much harder and less enjoyable a times when you have little hands to help. I try to be patient but when certain ingredients need to be just so and your toddler and your 6 year old is fighting over who gets to pour the vanilla and stir in the eggs, it becomes a HUGE mess and you wonder if you will ever bake again.

Well, for our relief society event this month we did pie making and I got to leave my kids with Cody and just enjoy making a pie. It was actually pretty hard still because we had about 30 women making pies and trying to get the ingredients and measuring cups from each other but it was really fun.

Here is the recipe that they gave us

PIE FILLING- enough for 1 pie

 -4-6 apples (heaping pile of apples) peeled and sliced
-1/3 cup sugar (depending on your sweetness) I put less sugar
-2 tablespoons all purpose flour
-1 tsp fresh cinnamon (don't eat grocery store cinnamon it's not good for you) I get mine at the health food store when I remember to get it.
-nutmeg (optional) I did not use this

1 tbsp butter(for top of pie)

Stir all the ingredients except butter in large bowl and let sit while you make the crust

PIE CRUST-enough for two pies

- 4 cups flour
1 3/4 shortening
2 teaspoon salt

Cut together with a pastry blender, this is important because you need to get the shortening really mixed with the flour and it needs to be "flaky" so it will end up being a good pastry.
NOTE: do not use your hands because you don't want your crust to be warm. So touch it as little as possible. 

in separate bowl combine

-1/2 cup ice water
-1 tablespoon vinegar
 - 1 Egg
stir with whisk

drizzle the liquid in dry mixture while stirring with a fork until the dough is into a big ball. not too sticky and not too dry. Then pack it together with your hands and press up against the bowl to press it together, but use your hands as little as possible.

Cut the ball into four equal parts.  (two bottoms and two tops)

When you roll out the dough with your rolling pin make sure to use light flour to make it so it doesn't stick and lightly roll out and coax it instead of pushing hard. When you are done get a spatula or knife to let it free from the table and fold it up on four sides to make it easy to pick up and put into your pie dish. Unfold it cut the dough off of the edges about 1/2 inch. if its not perfect take pieces from the extra and smash it into any spaces.

 Put your pie filling inside the pie. After you put the pie filling then add chunks of butter all around, like about 5 pieces of about a tsp of butter.

Roll out the top crust and do the same as the bottom one and gently put on your pie filling folded up and place it on the middle and then unfold the four corners and cut off the extra.

To make the cute little edges you will roll the top crust under the bottom crust all the way around. Then you still press your thumb away from the pie and your thumb and pointer finger will push the dough against your thumb. And put a criss-cross in the middle for venting and bake in the oven at 425 degrees. I would say between 20-30 depending on your oven and the way you like it. I like mine with some brown crispiness.
I put the pie straight on the rack and put til foil or baking sheet under it for drips. Then place on a cooling rack so you don't get a soggy bottom. 

Wait to cool and enjoy!

Pregnancy under Pressure

I have been talking about my life the past 3 years in the past couple of blog posts. My last post was about the car accident and the struggles we had during that time.

During the time of the accident I was newly pregnant I get severely nauseous. I get HG and it is very debilitating and so it was even more difficult to take care of three little kids under the age of 5. After the accident Cody was much worse with his addiction and it was very scary. He was either not home or mostly unconscious. I talked to my dad because he was the only one I trusted to talk to at the time and asked him how we could get Cody some help. He suggested the LDS recovery program but I wasn't going to get Cody to go. We talked about doctors and natural remedies but it seemed like there wasn't much we could do for him unless he was willing to go. But he was not willing to do anything because he was still trying to hide his problem from me.

On our anniversary last year we stayed at a hotel and Cody was so bad that day that I was close to calling the police. I was at a wedding that day and I was trying to pull it together and not throw up and when we got to the hotel I was just extremely sick. Cody was trying to kick me out of the bathroom and he was being scary. He tells me that he is going to go outside to smoke and two hours later I was calling his phone over and over again and I couldn't leave being sick and having my kids asleep. He finally answers the phone and says he fell asleep in the car and he was coming in. When he got back he went straight into the bathroom and locked the door. I was banging on the door and screaming at him to get out. He just kept yelling he would be out in a second and to just go to bed. I tried to go to bed but hours would go by and he wouldn't come out. I tried knocking and he wasn't responding. I was yelling and screaming at him to please open the door and there wasn't any response.
It was the moment that I knew the reality of how things have gotten and I was in so much fear my husband was dead. He had done things like this before so I just laid down in the hotel bed and starred at the wall wondering if I should call the police or if I should call his dad, or if I should just sit in pain and silence and do nothing. The fear was so overwhelming and I don't know how to describe it except dream like.

Cody finally came out of the bathroom about 4 or 5 AM and just laid next to me.
I wanted to strangle him and hug him and then punch him and then kiss him and I didn't do any of those things. I just laid next to him and was happy he was alive. I remember just trying to enjoy his smell, and the sound of his breathing because I was certain he was going to die soon.
Shortly after this was when I found out that a number of family members had been lying about me, using me, talking bad about me and it was all in the same month. I already felt betrayed by my husband and scared to talk to anyone and when people on both sides of our families were uncaring I totally lost it. My depression had gotten so bad and I was in so much pain. I began to worry about the baby and the health of her because of all the stress I was under. And then that made me more stressed out.

At this time Cody was not working and we were barely making it with me selling my furniture and practically begging people to buy my knits and just feeding us. It was a very scary time but my depression and anxiety and stress had gotten so severe. It was either my body was totally numb and I couldn't function and I felt like a total Robot or I was uncontrollable crying and my eyes were always blood shot. My poor kids were so worried about me and I didn't know how to comfort them. I have a spot in my room that I would hide from my kids and Zion always knew where to go and he would just sit with me and he would say,"Is it dad again?"
That broke my heart because I was so consumed with how bad my life was and how hard everything was I felt like a bad mom neglecting my kids when they were going through this too. They were having a hard time not having dad around, and we were fighting all the time, and every time we would go to do something as a family it would fall apart. My kids did amazing through all of this stress and they kept me going. I am trying to be sensitive to them because I understand that this was a very hard time for them too.

The beginning of September Cody's dad comes over to my house and says he wants to talk to me. He told me that he and Cody were going to need to travel to Las Vegas and start working for the union again at their old job. He said that they couldn't find work in Utah and they needed to go back for just a couple of months. At first I told him I wasn't sure it was a good idea because of Cody's health and I told him that there was something wrong with him and I needed his help to get Cody better. He told me that he was going to take care of it and I wasn't going to have to worry about it anymore.
I know his dad was doing what he thought was the best option and he has always treated me like his daughter. But with being pregnant and taking care of little kids at the same time I was nervous about Cody leaving for long periods of time. I told him that I needed to sleep on it and talk to my parents because they would have to be able to help while he was gone. He told me that there wasn't really any other option.
I didn't like that because I felt like Cody and his dad were making really important decisions for my family and I was not apart of the decision making. And then he said we are going to leave on that coming Monday.
I started to panic a little bit and I was not happy with what was going on. Even though Cody wasn't really around and causing so much stress. I felt like there was no way that we could work on our relationship or get him healthy if he was gone. I had prayed about the decision to send Cody to Las Vegas with his dad and I got a very clear NO. I told Cody' about this and he told me that it was just me being scared about being alone and I needed to just trust him and he was going to take care of it. I kept asking what he was going to take care of and he wouldn't tell me. He just said this was the best option.

We decided  to go to our counselor one last time before he left and I was able to have one of the most spiritual experiences of my life. We tried to work things out together but Cody was so closed off and the counselor could see it so he decided to just talk to me. During our session the main focus was just hearing what God needed to tell me and how I was going to be able to have comfort in the hardships that were about to come.
I had a vision that was so vivid and clear that I know that it was real and it will change my life forever. I have never met my grandparents on my dad's side because my grandma passed when I was one and I was named after her. Her name was Shirley and I am Kathryn Shirley. So I have always felt like I have a little connection with her in that way. My grandpa passed when I was 6 or 7. I have heard stories of my grandma about how brave and amazing she was and she struggled with different mental disorders.
My grandma appeared to me dressed in a white dress and she wrapped her arms around me. And she said to me,"I know, I know." She kept saying that. Then my grandpa appeared next to her dressed in white and he just gave me a quick pat on the back and then stood next to my grandma. I knew it was his personal way of giving me his comfort. And I just sat there with them and then The counselor asked if I wanted to know why they were there. And I said yes, and he said ask them how often they are there for you. So I asked my grandma and she said to me "all the time. " She wanted to let me know that she was always there for me to comfort me whenever I asked because she was already there. And then when I asked God if there was anything else he needed to show me. I then saw a sea of people in white and they were gathered in a circle. and God was showing me that I had an army of ancestors and people who loved me on the other side and they were there for me for guidance and comfort. I left feeling like I could do this with God and his armies to help me.

So the first week he was gone I thought it would be bad but it was actually relieving. For the first time I didn't have to worry about money being gone, him lying about where he was going and be gone for hours. Or him locking himself in the bathroom for hours at a time. For the first time I just said I can't do anything anymore and its not my problem. I just took one day at a time and tried my best to take care of my pregnant belly and those three littles. Zion had started Kindergarten so it was a new schedule for me to take him to school everyday. I was also trying to keep up on my knitting game. It would take me all morning to get dressed and have to take a breather and rest in between, then get Zion off to school and then take the kids to run errands and waddle my belly getting yarn and supplies, and running to the post office, and the grocery store. It helped to keep myself busy and a routine everyday so I knew what to expect and make time go faster.
When he came home on the weekends it was more meaningful to see him and we would try to spend time together. In the beginning though he was still disappearing and it really hurt because of the short amount of time and he would be neglecting the kids. and then we would just fight and then go a week without talking to each other.
It was very heartbreaking to talk to my kids tucking them in at night and we would say, "only 3 days left" and we would talk about what we would do with daddy when he was home. And then when we couldn't do what we planned we had to talk about why and that Daddy still loves you he just didn't get time. Week after week was getting harder and harder. I was still a hurt about not being able to be in this decision of working in Las Vegas. I felt like someone else was running my life and I was just too scared to speak up. I began to really lose myself in the depression, and I isolated myself from everyone. I didn't even tell people that Cody was gone. I was so embarrassed about out situation. I was just a zombie and trying to put on fake faces for the kids and take them to pumpkin patches and pretend like life was going on like normal. The time that they said it would take to work in Las Vegas was longer and longer and I was wondering when he was finally just going to come home. I felt like that was going to be our new life and I wasn't ready to do that because I was just hanging on by a thread.


 Cody had finally accidentally left the door open to the bathroom and I saw what he didn't ever want me to see. he was finally caught and he had no way of lying or scheming his way out of it.
He just said he needed help and needed to know if I would forgive him and stay with him.
I know Cody's fear of losing me was making it difficult for him to tell me. But it was actually the moment of truth that I found freedom and that I was able to make an educated decision for myself and the kids. I told him that I couldn't promise forever but I was willing to take one day at a time as long as he was willing to get clean we would do this together.
Then I found out that his parents had been hiding it from me that they were weening him off of drugs during the time he was working in Las Vegas.
So I felt even more pain and betrayal that so many people knew and didn't tell me. And not only didn't tell me but didn't even care to think about how I was doing or how I was handling being on my own or how painful it has been with Cody being sick. No one had even come to say "how are you? "How can I help?"
 Much later I did find out that Cody was still buying almost $700 worth of drugs every weekend when he would come home and told me the money was going towards rent and food in Las Vegas. So while he was working there he was still giving me very little money and it was also a way for him to get enough money for his drugs. His family believed they were helping me get financial gains and his recovery. If I could turn back time I would have been more aggressive and speaking up for my family. This was a dangerous thing for him to do, and I still stand by that this was not the best decision.
That week was the hardest because the pain was so bad and the only person that I wanted to comfort me was Cody. So I had packed our bags and drove myself and the kids by myself down there so I could be with him.


I got down on my knees and was begging God for comfort, the ability to forgive, and direction with my marriage  and the kids, and what I should do next. I didn't want to leave Cody because I have always loved him even through all the stuff he pulled. And I was so afraid to be alone but I wanted to make the best decision for us and also what was best for Cody's recovery. The pressure of making the decision was giving more stress than anything else. I asked Heavenly Father if Divorce and separation for the kids and me was the best option.
 I had another spiritual vision and it was a clear picture of Cody and he was like a glass doll. He then shattered into a million pieces like it wasn't able to be put back together. I was grateful I had a fast and clear answer for me and I continued to stand by going back and forth to Las Vegas and weening him down from the drugs.
Cody finally changed everything. His attitude towards life and towards me were so much better. He was trying harder with the kids and you could see it in him that he had a desire to change. I felt like he was finally relieved that I knew because it was taking so much effort to lie. He finally knew that I would accept him for his flaws and we were going to do this together. There was still a rough road ahead of us but we were finally on the one to recovery and that was all I was asking for.

Next personal post I will talk about Betty's beautiful birth in a birthing center in the water.


Thanks for following my story if you have read my other posts. and I appreciate all the love and support.

XOXO

Fall Style Inspiration

This is my very first style blog! I made a few beanie styles for the pop up shop on October 8. If you haven't heard about it yet then you are missing out.
So these hats will be available to purchase in provo but if you want me to ship to you  Shoot me an email at coldpineknits@gmail.com and I will invoice through paypal. I can make any size!

So I actually bought new clothes for this post because it has been a really long time since I bought anything that isn't from a thrift store or at a yard sale site. There is nothing wrong with buying clothes from there but sometimes you want to get something trendy and new.

My first purchase was these wide leg jeans.They are a bit 70's inspired and I have kind of always been a hippie. I love a good pair of skinnies or boyfriend jeans but I am kind of ready for a new style. When I thought of buying some new clothes I thought about all the old stores that I used to shop at in High School. I found some at pacsun on sale and they were only $40. but....after I bought them they went down to clearance for only $12.00 so I got jipped but you should go and purchase these for only $12 today! I promise they are comfortable, good quality, flattering, and they are something you should have for your fall wardrobe. I am always happy when I find stores that carry smaller sizes. I am wearing a size 23 and I think they are pretty true to size. I also was too lazy to try and get them hemmed so I just gave them a chop and will wear them frayed.

 I have been watching this lace up trend and I fell in love because that is what I wore back in the early 2000's and I wanted to bring that back. So I went to the trendiest store ever forever 21 and this shirt is only $10.90. It is so comfy and has a rib texture so it stretches. I normally wear an XS but I am wearing a small and it is the perfect amount of bagginess so its not super form fitting.
Also the lace up gives a normal tee something extra to make it stylish.
When I look at colors I am definitely a neutral girl and I don't like too many colors on me. But I found this powder blue and it is a perfect neutral for fall that doesn't scream its autumn and I am wearing everything fall now.

I splurged on my shoes because well they are kork ease. They are super comfy and they are easy to walk in. Packing kids around I can not wear high heels anymore but being less than 5' I need some height. These are the best option for a mom on the go.

Sunglasses I just happen to find browsing in downtown provo at the cutest little store called Unhinged. It is pretty much my dream store. They are also only $12.

And all the beanies are made by me! My inspiration for my new fall stuff is definitely 70's inspired and I am always down for some good vintage.

I hope this helps give you some inspiration when you are getting some new fall threads. And I would love to hear some of your favorite trends now and what I should be looking at next. 

Sunglasses // Unhinged in Provo
Top // Forever 21
Wide Leg Jeans // Pacsun
Shoes // Nordstrom 
Beanies // Cold Pine Knits 

car accident 2015

The past couple of posts about my personal life have been leading up to this post about what has been going on in my life for the past couple of years. I have been going back and forth about whether I want to share any of this but I am just going to do it and get it over with. I never know who knows our situation and who doesn't, so I am going to make it clear to people who may not understand why Cody and I have had such a hard time recently.

My husband has struggled with a prescription pill addiction.

This is what inspired me to start my blog again. My intentions with sharing is not husband bashing or sympathy, but I want one of my readers to relate and feel hope in a similar situation that I have been in.
 I am appreciative of this challenge because I have learned and grown so much. I know there are many people out there that struggle with addiction and we need to talk about it because it can be very painful and sometimes you aren't sure what you are supposed to do. There isn't a right answer for everyone and it is a hard struggle because sometimes it feels like there isn't any hope.
It has tested my faith and also my marriage, and I know now that I can love my husband through sickness and health. I want you to know if you are going through this that there is hope. And  you are not alone in those feelings and emotions that come with living with an addictive spouse.


My last post about being a mompreneur I talked mostly about the year 2014 when we moved from Las Vegas to Utah and things were starting to go downhill for us. I lost my t shirt business and rebranded myself to make money.

The year 2015 turned even harder than I thought could even be possible. We have had challenges and struggles but this struggle of my life made all other trials seem minimal in comparison. Cody and I were doing really bad and I was seriously considering divorce for the first time. I had never pictured my life without him. I realized how much I depended on him because I was starting to fall apart and it was because I felt like I wasn't whole. When I looked into Cody's eyes he was not there. Everything about him and who he was as a person was gone and it felt like mourning the loss of my husband.
 I had suspicions of drugs and asked him numerous times if it was and he would look me in the eyes and tell me that it wasn't. I was on a mission to get him to confess or prove he was doing drugs and he just wouldn't admit it. I would even catch him doing things and he would still come up with lies. My dad was telling me that it was drugs and I was trying to convince him that it wasn't because I didn't want anyone to think badly of my husband. And I didn't want to believe that such a good person could do something so wrong. I was trying to treat Cody innocent until proven guilty, but I could't prove it so I was focusing myself on just being there for him when he asked, but he never did.

At this point we had $0.00 and I was far too afraid to ask anyone for money. I had looked around my house and saw a lot of STUFF. I have always been an stuff collector.  I sold off a lot of my things. At first it was hard to let go of some of the things that I really loved and wanted to keep but I saw it making money so I kept doing it. This is how I found one of my most dear friends today because she was buying a lot of my stuff. The more I sold the more I felt good about the fact I could make money and also made me feel good to clear out all the clutter in my home. Things became just stuff to me and I didn't care anymore. My bedroom became bare, down to just a mattress and clothes on my floor, my living room down to a couch and a TV on the ground, and we even didn't have a kitchen table but my grandpa let me use an old pioneer table of his. And I kind of loved it. It was such an humbling experience. Because I still had enough and my family.

I was on an emotional roller coaster where one day I would be certain that I was going to stick to my marriage and then the next day I was very certain that it just had to end. When I prayed about it I was asking for a very direct answer but didn't get any real direction. The feeling I got was that it was my decision and he was going to help me through whatever I chose. I was such a mess emotionally and I didn't want to see  anyone so I pretty much isolated myself. Cody was always gone, and when he was there we would just fight. I had finally decided to see what it would take for a divorce and looking online for some kind of DIY paperwork because I didn't have money and I was scared to involve my parents or anyone in the process. The reason I needed legal papers was because Cody was not being rational when it came to the kids and he wouldn't agree on any terms. I told Cody it was time and he broke down and was on his knees and begging me to stay and that he was going to do better.

July 4, 2015 I took a pregnancy test because I had missed a period and was feeling sick for a long time and I just knew that is what it was. I feel terrible about this, but I was not happy about the pregnancy and it was very unexpected. Cody hadn't even wanted to touch me in months and we call her our miracle baby because we don't know how it happened. But it gave us both a wake up call. I thought that I was going to be able to work and make it on my own without Cody but now with being pregnant it changed the whole game. I could not work being pregnant because I get HG and become debilitated and sick for months of my pregnancy. I now needed Cody desperately because I could not take care of the kids being sick.

I soon starting throwing up 5 or 6 times a day and was trying to keep my kids fed and still trying to sell things to make money and my body was not handling it well. My mom was doing politics at the time and she helped when she could. My mom is always willing to help her children and has always held me together, but during this time she was busy and I just had my dad to help. My dad would vacuum or just come play with the kids or just come and talk to me and see how I was doing. He brought me some soup and I don't know what I would have done without my dad. And then I was assigned some new visiting teachers and these ladies were so selfless and brought me food, came and cleaned my bathrooms, and dishes once or twice a week. They were angels from heaven and they took care of me. I have a testimony and understanding of the importance of visiting teaching because of these ladies and the service to me.

I felt like Cody was away even more because of all the stress he had to help me at home and with the kids and when I didn't think things could get worse, they did.  Cody was going on a fishing trip with the kids for his dad's birthday. We had yet another fight about drugs, and why he was always tired and I told him I was scared he was going to fall asleep at the wheel and begged him to not go. He left anyway and I was just sobbing for hours with just Rae and me throwing up by myself worried about my kids.
I get a call from Cody long after I was expecting him home. He was crying so hard he couldn't talk to me. He just said,"Katie we had an accident." My heart sank and my brain went cloudy. The EMT took the phone from Cody and she said,"Your family was in an accident and we need to meet you at the Provo hospital." I asked if they were okay and she just said your son is going to need some checking over. So of course I think the worst and starting freaking out and called my mom and I couldn't even tell her what happened because I was crying so hard. My parents dropped everything and came to my house. They were there in probably 10 minutes but it was the longest 10 minutes of my life.
When my parents got there they calmed me down. They were telling me that I can't panic or lose it until I know what had happened. I knew that at least Cody was okay. I wanted to strangle him and hold him at the same time. We got to the hospital and it was an eternity waiting for the ambulance to get there. When I saw Cody he wouldn't even look me in the eyes. Cody went with Zion and I went with Sage. They checked sage over and the EMT's kept saying things like, "These kids are so lucky." and "Those seat belts saved these kids lives." and "This could have been so much worse."  I was still sick from being pregnant and I was just trying my best to not throw up. Once they assured me that Sage was okay with just some cuts and bruises, I ran to Zion's room and he just looked horrible. They had him stripped to his underwear and checking everything over.
When I came to the bedside I saw Zion's face go from terrified to comforted when he saw me. I tried not to panic or cry seeing him because I needed Zion to know that he didn't need to feel scared. I just asked him questions about fishing. If he caught any fish and what color life jacket he got to wear this time and he was just giving me nods. He finally says, "Mom, my stomach hurts really bad." I wanted so badly to comfort Zion and take all his pain away. I felt helpless and didn't know what to do for him. I tried to give Cody a hug and he wouldn't give me one back and it hurt because I knew Cody was not going to open up to me after fighting about this exact thing that I said would happen.
They did a cat scan on Zion to check for internal bleeding and the waiting was so hard. We just had to wait for results and were not sure how bad his condition was. Once they gave us the okay to go home we finally took the kids home and I couldn't sleep that night. I was watching them breathe as they slept. I was scared that something was going to happen.

Cody and I tried to talk that night but he was in shock from the accident and obviously PTSD because he was so gone mentally. He told me the story of the accident. He had gotten tired so he pulled over and took a nap with the car running. He woke up and started driving and fell asleep again and he lost control and went off a jump and the van rolled 4 or 5 times. He kicked out the window and people were right there to help him get the kids out. The people helping just happened to be two EMTs off duty and knew exactly what to do. They pulled some blankets and laid everyone down and the tried to send Zion via helicopter but Cody insisted they all stayed together. I thank god that these angels were there to help my family.

After the accident Cody was even more distant. During all of this difficult time and pain I knew that Cody was suffering but it was a deep pain for me and I didn't want to bring up all the other problems that was going on. I continued to pretend that everything was going to be okay and put on a fake face for everyone. I tried so hard to not let my kids see the pain in me and I didn't want all of this mess to affect the kids. So many decisions and pressure was on me and I just wanted everyone to be happy again.

Cody believed that he was keeping all of this secret from me. That is the thing that I wish most is that Cody didn't try so hard to keep it a secret. Addictions thrive in secrecy and I was trying to understand why he wouldn't tell me. I would be sobbing and begging him to tell me what was going on with him and no matter what I did he wouldn't talk to me.  It felt like that he didn't love me anymore and didn't want to be around me. I still loved him but I didn't want to try so hard to make a marriage work if he was desperate to leave. I thought that a divorce would finally free Cody. But when I talked about it he wouldn't have that for our answer. I really didn't want to but I didn't know how to go on. We had started to go to a life coach and this was the only way I was able to get through my days. After this was probably the hardest time for our marriage.



Addictions are so hard, and they affect the people around you. I have had problems when I was young with drugs and alcohol, and I have had family members who have struggled with addiction but having your spouse as an addict and also with children. is totally different for me. It is the person who you need and want to hold you during such difficult pain, and they are the same person who is causing it. This experience gave me emotions I never thought was possible. And learned to only go through life one hour at a time.

 If you are struggling with an addiction I beg you to stop living in secrecy and ask for help. It is the only way you can start your path to recovery. The affects of addiction can get extreme really fast and you don't need to wait until something bad happens before you decide to get better. It could be too late.
If you are willing to get help I found the best place to go is here. Go to a meeting place near you and they will have the best support and guidance for you in your recovery. There are many people who want to help and are waiting with open arms but you have to ask.

Everybody wants happiness, nobody wants pain, but you can’t have a rainbow without a little rain.

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