January- recovering
February Betty was born
March-may we were making it
June Relapsed
July Okay -maybe
August Relapsed
September continued relapse
October continued relapse
November worse
December total disaster
Something like that. Because of course, there is a lot of lies and blurriness in there.
Today my whole body is numb because I have let Satan take control of all of my thoughts and allowed him to steal my joy and make me believe that my husband just can't be saved. I hurt. I hurt for my husband. I hurt for my kids. I'm scared. I feel alone. Emotions that I didn't even know existed. Emotions that make your body physically hurt.
This is the second night Cody is not living here officially and just praying that I am going to be able to be strong enough to not enable him and give him space to find his healing and recovery. I go from trying to control him, to not want to be around him, to want to just hold him, to just anger, then the feeling of I need to control him and my co dependent self just won't stop the cycle and neither will he. I've had to set boundaries that he will not be able to use in the house or around the kids and he has pushed boundaries that has forced me to follow through with my threats. It is the most important part of having a spouse as an addict but it is also the hardest one of all. Sometimes I just think that everything is so unfair. That our addicts can be total fools and hurt us so deeply and we are just asked to forgive, to be patient, to be loving without enabling and I'm like, How is that fair?
Because we have been doing so bad lately I have really lost my relationship with God. Sometimes it is easy to pretend that we can do this on our own. The truth is I could never go through this without God in my life giving me guidance, comfort, and just help me understand truth.
I want to be clear about this. Cody is a good person. He is a great husband and father when he is not using. The addiction is strong and has taken the person that he once was. I love the person inside of him not the addiction. Sometimes it is hard to differentiate the two. He has helped me this year tremendously helping me build my business and doing whatever I needed of him. It wasn't always easy but he has been there for me. I know he loves me but I can't understand why you would hurt someone you love. The answer is because of the addiction. In hopes to help Cody I have tried my best to really understand addiction.
I am going to tell you some things that I have come to understand about addiction and most people are really not going to like this. So I am putting up my shield while people through fruit at me. Because there are very common misconceptions about addiction. I have talked with many addicts, recovered addicts, spouses of addicts, family members of addicts, and they have all told me similar things. "Addiction is a disease." "Once an addict always an addict." "how will you ever know if he will stop when he has relapsed so many times before?" "He is going to be a recovering addict his whole life."
I am going to tell you right now if you have said these falsehoods to anyone I am begging you to STOP.
Addiction is not a disease.
IT IS A SIN
God has told us the he who indulges in self pleasure and sin will not inherit the kingdom of God. So if someone has a disease do you think they will not be allowed in the present of Him? I think God would not judge a diseased man. There is no room for corruption and that includes addiction.
Now, I am not talking about mental illness because that is a different story. Yes people with mental illness may be more drawn to addiction but I am not talking about that. I am talking about addiction itself. Drugs, alcohol, pornography, gambling, social media, video games, food, sexual addictions. They are all a consequence of being led astray of our Heavenly Father and being subject to immoral sin by the temptation of Satan's demons.
So what is a disease?
a condition of the living animal or plant body or of one of its parts that impairs normal functioning and is typically manifested by distinguishing signs and symptoms : sickness,malady
I also understand that man can heal the sick through the gift of Christ with the laying on of hands anointed with oil. We have seen in the scriptures Jesus healed the sick and afflicted.
I have yet to see the laying on of hands with an addict and they be cured of their disease. You can't be cured of a sin. He can only give you strength and wisdom to overcome your trials and temptations.
Matthew 9:35
And Jesus went about all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues, and preaching the gospel of the kingdom, and healing every sickness and every disease among the people.
I also fully believe in the atonement of Jesus Christ. That he suffered for our sins before they have even been committed. He has asked us to in his name come to him in humility, with a change of heart and he will forgive our sins and heal our pains. But he won't do that if we do not do the work ourselves of coming to him. Everyone has sins. Everyone is expected of the same thing. To try our best to be who we were meant to become. We are judged by no one but our one and only God. Nothing else matters besides the relationship and understanding we have with him.
So if I believe that we can be cured and forgiven of ALL THINGS unto him then the phrase. "an addict will always be an addict" makes absolutely no sense in my mind. So someone is just going to walk around like a zombie the rest of their lives just trying to not sin? absolutely not. We are given specific instructions through the scriptures and our living prophets on the path to happiness. We can have happiness. We can be saved but we have to continue to make those decisions to follow him so we don't go down that path again. You can do it but only with Christ in your life. This life is too hard to do on our own.
I will tell you one story that happened this year. When Cody was doing really well and we were just happy for a short while we were trying to do more things outdoors and going fishing. Cody tried to take us to Utah Lake. I despise Utah Lake but I was trying to allow Cody to do his promises to me to do more stuff as a family. We got everyone out of the car and our poles, blankets etc and we started down this long path to the lake. The whole time I was like this isn't going to work. This is the wrong path. But I didn't really want to turn around because that was a long walk back too. So we decided to just keep going. And going. After walking through bugs and rocks and mud I was ready to just make camp because there I was not about to walk back with the kids. But then Cody says nope we need to find a new spot. And I reluctantly went back with the kids. I know what your thinking, what is the point of this?
At one point I thought we had made a point of no return even though we were half way there. I made up my mind that I was not going to go back. That the path back was too long and not ready to do it. The truth is, there is so such thing as the point of no return. We can ALWAYS return it just may not be easy or fun and bugs may attack our faces. It was just one step at a time.
I think the most dangerous part of telling an addict it is a disease is that it takes away the responsibility. It makes them believe that it is out of their control and the sins they are committing are not their fault it is the disease. This will lead them farther from recovery. The first step is admitting the problem and allowing a higher power to help them through this path. It first starts with a choice of recovery. No matter how much help, love, healing, light you give to an addict if they do not want to receive it they will not recover. That is what I have had to really come to understand about Cody.
I can love and help my addict, but I can not disrespect their freedom.
I just have to continue to have faith that God knows my heart, he sees my pain and knows what I need. Trusting him with things and letting him take control is a hard thing to do. Right now I am having a hard time seeing hope in our marriage but I do know there can be hope for Cody if he chooses it. I am a person who needs answers right now. I need to know what my path is so I can just start living. but I really just need to calm down and I don't need to make any decisions right now.
Everything takes time.
I need time.
Cody needs time.
This is a really long road and we are just trying to make it as less bumpy as possible. I have been lately hearing the primary song in my head.
The foolish man built his house upon sand
the wise man build his house upon a rock
The rock is Christ and I just hope we are not blown away and we can stay strong as a family. I also want to thank all the people that have helped us get through this year. It has been a tough one and we have had family and friends help us in so many ways. You all know who you are. We are blessed to have such good people surrounding us. I am also grateful for these hard experiences. When you have had challenges of needing to be served you are able to learn how to serve others. I am now more able to see what other people need even if they aren't saying that they need it.
It is amazing how many people who are willing to serve. Feed the hungry and cloth the naked. But also don't forget the people that appear to be healthy and fine but really are in pain and suffering on the inside. Serve ALL people but first start with your family.
Ask them how they are. Ask them how you can help. Hear them and help with what you see needs service. You help people in a way they need it not with how you decide someone needs your help.
We still have one more day left of 2016 and I hopeful that we can make it through this year.
Right now I am at the point of hanging off a cliff, hopefully in Zion Canyon. There is the choice of pulling myself back up and just move on. There is the choice of letting go and plummeting to my death. Or maybe there is a super awesome trampoline and I go for a sweet ride. I really just don't know.
One thing I know for certain is that God loves me. God loves Cody. God loves my kids. I love Cody. The kids love Cody. Cody loves me. Cody loves the kids.
I just pray that it is enough for us to overcome the hardest thing of our lives and become selfless in serving each other to keep our family together.
You are enough.
There is a friggin army of people waiting to help you when you are ready. Just ask for it. If you are an addict of any kind. Ask for help. Ask it today and start your new years of recovery.
We could use prayers tho....
Cheers
Happy New Year !
xoxo
