I have been talking about my life the past 3 years in the past couple of blog posts. My last post was about the car accident and the struggles we had during that time.
During the time of the accident I was newly pregnant I get severely nauseous. I get HG and it is very debilitating and so it was even more difficult to take care of three little kids under the age of 5. After the accident Cody was much worse with his addiction and it was very scary. He was either not home or mostly unconscious. I talked to my dad because he was the only one I trusted to talk to at the time and asked him how we could get Cody some help. He suggested the LDS recovery program but I wasn't going to get Cody to go. We talked about doctors and natural remedies but it seemed like there wasn't much we could do for him unless he was willing to go. But he was not willing to do anything because he was still trying to hide his problem from me.
On our anniversary last year we stayed at a hotel and Cody was so bad that day that I was close to calling the police. I was at a wedding that day and I was trying to pull it together and not throw up and when we got to the hotel I was just extremely sick. Cody was trying to kick me out of the bathroom and he was being scary. He tells me that he is going to go outside to smoke and two hours later I was calling his phone over and over again and I couldn't leave being sick and having my kids asleep. He finally answers the phone and says he fell asleep in the car and he was coming in. When he got back he went straight into the bathroom and locked the door. I was banging on the door and screaming at him to get out. He just kept yelling he would be out in a second and to just go to bed. I tried to go to bed but hours would go by and he wouldn't come out. I tried knocking and he wasn't responding. I was yelling and screaming at him to please open the door and there wasn't any response.
It was the moment that I knew the reality of how things have gotten and I was in so much fear my husband was dead. He had done things like this before so I just laid down in the hotel bed and starred at the wall wondering if I should call the police or if I should call his dad, or if I should just sit in pain and silence and do nothing. The fear was so overwhelming and I don't know how to describe it except dream like.
Cody finally came out of the bathroom about 4 or 5 AM and just laid next to me.
I wanted to strangle him and hug him and then punch him and then kiss him and I didn't do any of those things. I just laid next to him and was happy he was alive. I remember just trying to enjoy his smell, and the sound of his breathing because I was certain he was going to die soon.
Shortly after this was when I found out that a number of family members had been lying about me, using me, talking bad about me and it was all in the same month. I already felt betrayed by my husband and scared to talk to anyone and when people on both sides of our families were uncaring I totally lost it. My depression had gotten so bad and I was in so much pain. I began to worry about the baby and the health of her because of all the stress I was under. And then that made me more stressed out.
At this time Cody was not working and we were barely making it with me selling my furniture and practically begging people to buy my knits and just feeding us. It was a very scary time but my depression and anxiety and stress had gotten so severe. It was either my body was totally numb and I couldn't function and I felt like a total Robot or I was uncontrollable crying and my eyes were always blood shot. My poor kids were so worried about me and I didn't know how to comfort them. I have a spot in my room that I would hide from my kids and Zion always knew where to go and he would just sit with me and he would say,"Is it dad again?"
That broke my heart because I was so consumed with how bad my life was and how hard everything was I felt like a bad mom neglecting my kids when they were going through this too. They were having a hard time not having dad around, and we were fighting all the time, and every time we would go to do something as a family it would fall apart. My kids did amazing through all of this stress and they kept me going. I am trying to be sensitive to them because I understand that this was a very hard time for them too.
The beginning of September Cody's dad comes over to my house and says he wants to talk to me. He told me that he and Cody were going to need to travel to Las Vegas and start working for the union again at their old job. He said that they couldn't find work in Utah and they needed to go back for just a couple of months. At first I told him I wasn't sure it was a good idea because of Cody's health and I told him that there was something wrong with him and I needed his help to get Cody better. He told me that he was going to take care of it and I wasn't going to have to worry about it anymore.
I know his dad was doing what he thought was the best option and he has always treated me like his daughter. But with being pregnant and taking care of little kids at the same time I was nervous about Cody leaving for long periods of time. I told him that I needed to sleep on it and talk to my parents because they would have to be able to help while he was gone. He told me that there wasn't really any other option.
I didn't like that because I felt like Cody and his dad were making really important decisions for my family and I was not apart of the decision making. And then he said we are going to leave on that coming Monday.
I started to panic a little bit and I was not happy with what was going on. Even though Cody wasn't really around and causing so much stress. I felt like there was no way that we could work on our relationship or get him healthy if he was gone. I had prayed about the decision to send Cody to Las Vegas with his dad and I got a very clear NO. I told Cody' about this and he told me that it was just me being scared about being alone and I needed to just trust him and he was going to take care of it. I kept asking what he was going to take care of and he wouldn't tell me. He just said this was the best option.
We decided to go to our counselor one last time before he left and I was able to have one of the most spiritual experiences of my life. We tried to work things out together but Cody was so closed off and the counselor could see it so he decided to just talk to me. During our session the main focus was just hearing what God needed to tell me and how I was going to be able to have comfort in the hardships that were about to come.
I had a vision that was so vivid and clear that I know that it was real and it will change my life forever. I have never met my grandparents on my dad's side because my grandma passed when I was one and I was named after her. Her name was Shirley and I am Kathryn Shirley. So I have always felt like I have a little connection with her in that way. My grandpa passed when I was 6 or 7. I have heard stories of my grandma about how brave and amazing she was and she struggled with different mental disorders.
My grandma appeared to me dressed in a white dress and she wrapped her arms around me. And she said to me,"I know, I know." She kept saying that. Then my grandpa appeared next to her dressed in white and he just gave me a quick pat on the back and then stood next to my grandma. I knew it was his personal way of giving me his comfort. And I just sat there with them and then The counselor asked if I wanted to know why they were there. And I said yes, and he said ask them how often they are there for you. So I asked my grandma and she said to me "all the time. " She wanted to let me know that she was always there for me to comfort me whenever I asked because she was already there. And then when I asked God if there was anything else he needed to show me. I then saw a sea of people in white and they were gathered in a circle. and God was showing me that I had an army of ancestors and people who loved me on the other side and they were there for me for guidance and comfort. I left feeling like I could do this with God and his armies to help me.
So the first week he was gone I thought it would be bad but it was actually relieving. For the first time I didn't have to worry about money being gone, him lying about where he was going and be gone for hours. Or him locking himself in the bathroom for hours at a time. For the first time I just said I can't do anything anymore and its not my problem. I just took one day at a time and tried my best to take care of my pregnant belly and those three littles. Zion had started Kindergarten so it was a new schedule for me to take him to school everyday. I was also trying to keep up on my knitting game. It would take me all morning to get dressed and have to take a breather and rest in between, then get Zion off to school and then take the kids to run errands and waddle my belly getting yarn and supplies, and running to the post office, and the grocery store. It helped to keep myself busy and a routine everyday so I knew what to expect and make time go faster.
When he came home on the weekends it was more meaningful to see him and we would try to spend time together. In the beginning though he was still disappearing and it really hurt because of the short amount of time and he would be neglecting the kids. and then we would just fight and then go a week without talking to each other.
It was very heartbreaking to talk to my kids tucking them in at night and we would say, "only 3 days left" and we would talk about what we would do with daddy when he was home. And then when we couldn't do what we planned we had to talk about why and that Daddy still loves you he just didn't get time. Week after week was getting harder and harder. I was still a hurt about not being able to be in this decision of working in Las Vegas. I felt like someone else was running my life and I was just too scared to speak up. I began to really lose myself in the depression, and I isolated myself from everyone. I didn't even tell people that Cody was gone. I was so embarrassed about out situation. I was just a zombie and trying to put on fake faces for the kids and take them to pumpkin patches and pretend like life was going on like normal. The time that they said it would take to work in Las Vegas was longer and longer and I was wondering when he was finally just going to come home. I felt like that was going to be our new life and I wasn't ready to do that because I was just hanging on by a thread.
Cody had finally accidentally left the door open to the bathroom and I saw what he didn't ever want me to see. he was finally caught and he had no way of lying or scheming his way out of it.
He just said he needed help and needed to know if I would forgive him and stay with him.
I know Cody's fear of losing me was making it difficult for him to tell me. But it was actually the moment of truth that I found freedom and that I was able to make an educated decision for myself and the kids. I told him that I couldn't promise forever but I was willing to take one day at a time as long as he was willing to get clean we would do this together.
Then I found out that his parents had been hiding it from me that they were weening him off of drugs during the time he was working in Las Vegas.
So I felt even more pain and betrayal that so many people knew and didn't tell me. And not only didn't tell me but didn't even care to think about how I was doing or how I was handling being on my own or how painful it has been with Cody being sick. No one had even come to say "how are you? "How can I help?"
Much later I did find out that Cody was still buying almost $700 worth of drugs every weekend when he would come home and told me the money was going towards rent and food in Las Vegas. So while he was working there he was still giving me very little money and it was also a way for him to get enough money for his drugs. His family believed they were helping me get financial gains and his recovery. If I could turn back time I would have been more aggressive and speaking up for my family. This was a dangerous thing for him to do, and I still stand by that this was not the best decision.
That week was the hardest because the pain was so bad and the only person that I wanted to comfort me was Cody. So I had packed our bags and drove myself and the kids by myself down there so I could be with him.
I got down on my knees and was begging God for comfort, the ability to forgive, and direction with my marriage and the kids, and what I should do next. I didn't want to leave Cody because I have always loved him even through all the stuff he pulled. And I was so afraid to be alone but I wanted to make the best decision for us and also what was best for Cody's recovery. The pressure of making the decision was giving more stress than anything else. I asked Heavenly Father if Divorce and separation for the kids and me was the best option.
I had another spiritual vision and it was a clear picture of Cody and he was like a glass doll. He then shattered into a million pieces like it wasn't able to be put back together. I was grateful I had a fast and clear answer for me and I continued to stand by going back and forth to Las Vegas and weening him down from the drugs.
Cody finally changed everything. His attitude towards life and towards me were so much better. He was trying harder with the kids and you could see it in him that he had a desire to change. I felt like he was finally relieved that I knew because it was taking so much effort to lie. He finally knew that I would accept him for his flaws and we were going to do this together. There was still a rough road ahead of us but we were finally on the one to recovery and that was all I was asking for.
Next personal post I will talk about Betty's beautiful birth in a birthing center in the water.
Thanks for following my story if you have read my other posts. and I appreciate all the love and support.
XOXO
